The Kitchen Aid
by sofasitter
Summary: Amanda teaches Liv that baking can be sexy. Last chapter is up folks, it's been fun!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**

**So, I've been trying to write a story for these two for a while, cos lets face it, these two women have some chemistry. Only I couldn't get it to work and I'm still not sure … there's more to this story if people think it has the potential to go somewhere, rated K for now but if it continues will most likely go up to an M cos, well, why not?**

**Disclaimers – characters not mine, I'm just playing with 'em. **

**Reviews are love **

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Amanda Rollins loved to bake. She figured it was the Southerner in her, all those lazy Sunday mornings as a kid watching her Mom baking from the kitchen table. The smell of spices and sweet icing sugar dancing in the warm air, like a bubble of happiness softly wrapped around you.

Baking felt romantic and Rollins liked romance, not that she would ever admit it.

So when her gambling group said she needed to find an outlet, something to replace the time she spent following the games, the playoffs, something different to her usual vices of running … and vodka, there was really only one thing which came to mind.

Every time she felt that lonely urge bubbling up inside her, threatening to overspill, she tossed a dollar bill into the jar on the kitchen worktop and switched on the oven, going wherever the creative mood took her. It was working, at last count the jar stood heavy at $198 dollars and the detectives of the 1-6 were getting fat.

Some of them, anyway.

"Oh yum …" Liv's eyes danced a little as they fell upon the familiar cake tin on Rollins' desk, "Is that crumb cake?"

Rollins smiled and nodded, as much as she loved to bake, she was self-aware enough to realise that all bakers are essentially narcissists who love to be adored and praised for their work.

She sat back in her chair, watching the brunette detective shake off her jacket and toss it on the back of her own chair before approaching the open tin with a customary amount of glee.

It hadn't escaped anyone that the overall satisfaction levels in the precinct had gone up since the first introduction of the cake tin.

"Om … m … gud …" Olivia spoke, through a mouthful of the delicious crumb cake, its sweet cinnamon goodness warming her insides on a cold November Monday. "You should really consider a career change!" She joked, before catching herself and her words. "Actually don't …" She added softly. "I don't know what we'd do without you."

Amanda's insides flipped over gently at the sincerity of the words, not letting herself be fooled into thinking that the older detective meant anything more than her participation to the squad. Still, what she wouldn't give to mean 'everything' to Olivia Benson.

"I can do both …" She mumbled softly, drawing her eyes away from the brunette's lest she notice the sadness hiding there.

Olivia approached her, laying her hand upon the blonde's shoulder as she gave it a gentle squeeze, the last mouthful of crumb cake disappearing fast. "That you can." She affirmed, "That you most certainly can, though if you keep this up for much longer I'm going to have to seriously up my exercise!" She added, softly patting her stomach with her free hand.

Rollins took a beat to censor the mass of thoughts suddenly spiralling through her mind, Liv's hand on her shoulder, standing so close she could smell the brunette's perfume and her shampoo. The gentle squeeze of fingertips against her shoulder like red hot pokers dancing along her skin, overwhelming her senses. She wanted to spill every word caught on her lacklustre tongue, be flamboyant with her praise for the brunette's trim figure, sexy butt, strong legs and toned abs, instead she squeaked, "Nonsense Liv, you look amazing and you know it."

Olivia frowned a little, and then blushed; the thinly veiled compliment a little misunderstanding to say the least. Sensing Amanda's discomfort she broke their contact and returned to her desk and a stack of underwhelming DD5's, resolving to ask Amanda later what the tension was about. She sat down with a sigh, telling herself she did not need to eat a second piece of that crumb cake.

* * *

Mid afternoon, opportunity arose when Cragen sent them both out to interview a young girl at Mercy General whose teachers had brought her in after seeing bruises during a sports lesson. As the made their way down the steps from the hospital, Olivia realised another few inches of snow had fallen since they drove there, somewhat hazardously, just an hour and a bit before.

"Looks like we're taking the subway," She noted, turning to Rollins for affirmation.

Rollins smirked and nodded. "I'm from Georgia," She pointed out wryly, "I've no plans to try driving again until the spring!"

Liv chuckled, their bodies jostling softly together as they set out walking towards the nearest subway, neither caring to comment on the awkward way they both tried to avoid it but enjoyed it nonetheless.

"So … who taught you to bake?" Liv asked, feeling perhaps after several months of enjoying Amanda's wares but never asking what precipitated their introduction – now might be that time.

"My Mom," Rollins replied, "She's a great cook, one of the best."

The tinge of loss in her voice tugged at Olivia's heartstrings. "Sounds like you really miss her?"

Rollins turned towards her, unsure. Whilst their relationship as co-workers had blossomed significantly over the past few months, their friendship still had a way to go before she'd even go so far as to call it that. "Um … yeah …" She replied hesitantly, "I guess I do …"

"I've no idea where you find the time." Liv noted, really just trying to fill up the air between them lest it be filled with emotions that were even more alien to them both. "I barely have time to do my laundry," She joked, mentally chastising herself that this was in fact true.

Amanda smiled, appreciative of the humour just a touch unsure of what to do with it. She could tell Olivia the real reason why she baked, to keep her disobedient hands busy, to stop herself from doing things she knew were bad for her, but she desperately wanted the older detective to think well of her. She baulked at the idea of Olivia seeing her as weak willed, battling her addiction just like Liv's own mother had battled hers.

And lost.

It was Fin who told her, after Liv and Amaro walked in on her in Cragen's office, her sky blue eyes filled with tears. Fin said that Olivia wouldn't care, wouldn't be the one to judge her, that Amanda could trust her – only given his reasoning Amanda couldn't be sure.

She realised it was minutes since she last spoke.

Liv was watching her as they walked, head bent – looking at her footsteps as they trudged through the grey snow, lost in her own thoughts. So when Amanda stopped abruptly on the busy sidewalk she noticed, and stopped too.

"What is it?" Liv asked softly, the cold air biting against her cheeks. "Amanda, what's wrong?"

Amanda's eyes lifted slowly. She missed home because the city felt so spacious she often wondered if she might get lost in it. Ironically she left Atlanta because the place felt too small and after what happened to her everyone was always looking and staring, asking her if she was okay. In New York no one ever asked if she was okay, and strangely, she missed it.

"Time isn't exactly my friend Liv …" She explained, words barely audible above the incessant hum of pedestrians and traffic.

Olivia grasped the blonde's arm and walked them both out of the path of foot traffic. She turned Amanda to face her, urging the blonde to make eye contact.

"I get that." She said, softly nodding in understanding. "I get what it's like to feel alone even though you have no free time in which to feel lonely …"

Amanda took a deep breath and sighed, before raising her eyes to meet a pair of sparkling chocolate orbs looking back at her. Her legs wobbled and she felt weak, suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to fall into the comfort and security Liv's concern offered.

"I …"

For a second, whilst her guard was down, Liv saw pain etched upon the blonde's face, it went against the smiling happy co-worker who provided delicious treats for her to eat that were making her belly softer and her insides happier.

"I've only got about 20 bucks to go till I can get my Kitchen Aid …" Rollins muttered in a rush, replacing the safety of the walls she'd worked so tirelessly to construct around herself.

Liv smiled back at her, perplexed, her hands still upon the smaller woman's forearms where they stood, in the cold, on the street. "Your Kitchen Aid?"

Amanda relaxed, her ability to cope no longer the topic of conversation, this was something positive, something good. "Every time I get the urge … to gamble …" She explained, her voice derisive over the last part. "I stick a dollar in this jar on my kitchen work top and instead of doing that … I bake a cake instead."

She let out a long overdue breath, realising what this admission meant for their friendship and working relationship.

Olivia softened, leaning her body against the wall. She let her hands drop down Amanda's arms to grasp her hands, gloved as they were, inside her own. "So all those cakes … every time …?"

Amanda nodded, a little ashamed, "Yup …" she dropped her head again, willing the ground to swallow her whole.

The loss of Olivia's grip was replaced by the feel of soft leather, gloved fingertips against her forehead, damp from freshly falling snow. Liv swept the strands of hair from Amanda's face and ran her fingers tentatively across her cheek, coming to a stop as she cupped the blonde's chin gingerly, acutely aware of the boundaries the motion crossed.

"Liv?" Amanda's voice was questioning, small, and almost fearful.

"You'll get that Kitchen Aid." Liv replied, by way of explanation. "I promise."

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**Reviews are love ... so ... should I keep going?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N – Thanks so much to everyone who has read and reviewed! I appreciate reviews *so* much and they definitely inspire me to write more so without further stalling – here's the next chapter. **

**I don't think a relationship between these two would be easy. I'm just saying. **

**Same disclaimers apply.**

* * *

A case that seemed to go on for days, and some of the worst November weather to hit New York for a decade, meant that Amanda's dollar jar didn't see any action for the rest of the week. By Friday, the detectives of the 1-6 were growing restless of each other's company and Cragen was more than relieved to send a couple of them packing.

"Benson … Rollins … take off … I don't want to see either of you for at least 36 hours!"

Olivia was about to protest, until she caught a glimpse of the blonde to her right, slumped in her desk chair with her eyes half-closed, her chewed-up pen hanging lifelessly from the corner of her mouth.

She looked exhausted and rattled at the same time, a dangerous mix the older detective happened to know well. The week had brought one of those cases that got in under everyone's skin, festering because the evidence needed to prosecute lay just beyond their grasp. So they went to war with themselves and the perps and the ADAs, but it seemed in the end they were the only ones left wearing battle scars.

"Hey …" Liv touched Amanda's shoulder hesitantly. "Cap said we should go … did you hear?"

"Huh? … oh …" Brought out of her trance Rollins seemed to consider this information for a moment before it registered. "Oh …" She continued. "The weather's still shit, I might just grab a couple of hours in the crib."

As much as Olivia craved a long soak in her tub, a glass of wine and a night on the sofa with her book, she sensed the blonde's reluctance to go home. "We could grab a drink?" She offered, trying her best to sound nonplussed. "If you help me dig my car out I'll even offer to give you a ride." She added, with a classic Benson wink.

Amanda grinned and rubbed her eyes slowly. "Detective Benson, I believe you have got yourself a deal."

* * *

After a futile twenty minutes using a combination of snow shovel and their boots, both detectives were willing to concede defeat; the black mustang was staying where it was for the night.

"Some date this is turning out to be!" Rollins joked, her thick accent heavy in her tired voice.

Olivia laughed; somehow the joke broke the tension of how the rest of the night could go. "Come on …" She said, grabbing the blonde by her arm as she tossed the snow shovel back into the trunk of the car. "I'll buy you dinner to make up for it."

Amanda couldn't help but chuckle as they sat opposite each other in a booth at the diner, Liv's choice of eatery couldn't have been any more unromantic and yet the atmosphere between them had an air of charged electricity. She knew exactly why that was; being with Olivia was like being the only thing in focus when the rest of the world seemed blurry and unsure. Being with Olivia was like being heard.

They ordered burgers and fries and a couple of beers, chatting amiably about the difficult week until the food arrived and suddenly both remembered their inability to accurately recall the last time they ate real food.

"Oh that's good," Liv groaned, tucking into her food with gusto.

Amanda smirked at her enthusiasm, and the elegant smear of barbeque sauce across her chin. "Liv … you've got a little?"

"What … where?" Liv grabbed a napkin and began dabbing.

"Your chin, here …" Without thinking, Amanda took the napkin from her and delicately wiped the offending mark, earning her a kilowatt smile.

"Thanks." Olivia grinned, suddenly falling silent.

Amanda drained the rest of her beer and signalled to the waitress for two more. Her mind told her that Olivia was doing a nice thing for a work colleague, her conscience more than likely still plagued by Amanda's confession to her earlier in the week. Her eyes told her the brunette was interested, if unsure, but it wasn't a risk she was willing to take, yet.

Liv thought about what it meant that they were eating dinner together, casually, on a Friday night. She wanted to believe that it was nothing more than light conversation and a catch up between friends but she and Amanda weren't really friends. Ever since the blonde walked into the squad room a year ago she'd found herself working extra hard to keep some distance between them, just to be safe.

Turned out the harder she tried to keep the blonde woman at bay, the more she did to find a way in under her skin.

Since hearing Amanda's confession on Monday, Liv's mind had been occupied at the most inopportune moments by visions of the softer side of Amanda Rollins, labouring in her kitchen to create delicious treats for her family and friends. She began to see the younger woman as something more than just the sum of her parts, and the 'parts' in question were pretty nice looking too.

"About the other day," Liv said softly, done with the majority of her burger she turned her attention to the fries. "I won't tell anyone, you know that right?"

Amanda continued looking at her food as she answered. "Yeah, I know …"

"But y'know I'm here … if you ever 'do' wanna talk." Liv continued, recognising her own dislike for the words she was using. SVU detectives, by nature, talk when they want to and don't when they don't.

Rollins nodded, eyes still on the fries. "Yeah … thanks."

"Just promise me you wont stop baking …" Liv continued wistfully. The change in her voice was enough to make Rollins lift her head and really look at the other woman, her eyes softer and her lips quirked into a delicate smile. "It obviously soothes you …" Liv added, reaching her hand out to touch the back of Rollins hand gently.

Amanda blushed, furiously, at the feel of the older woman's touch against her skin, beneath the intensity of their gaze. "It helps," She forced out, still occupied by Liv's fingers against her hand, by the developing closeness between them. "Having something to do …"

Olivia nodded, understanding the painful isolation of being married to a job like theirs all too well. "It's not too late for you, you know?" She spoke softly, hesitant and unsure. "You could do something else, have a life? … And that's not me – under any circumstances – saying that I 'want' you to leave, I don't, but I've seen what this job can do to people."

Rollins let the words wash over her, sighing deeply. She'd be lying if the thought hadn't crossed her mind on occasion over the past year. As awful as things were back in Atlanta, she'd had a home there, friends and people she cared about, people who were there for her when she needed to blow off steam, in a healthier way than she'd been doing in New York. "You mean Stabler?" Amanda supposed, a little intimidated at saying his name.

Olivia paused, a beat, before removing her touch from the younger woman's hand, its contact immediately missed. Amanda inwardly cursed, fearing that she shouldn't have gone there.

"Elliot …" Olivia began softly, her demeanour changed as she spoke his name, unwilling to admit how much she missed him every single day. "What happened to him was … hard," She continued, painfully reliving that day long before Amanda's time with SVU had even begun. "I'm not sure how I'd have coped if that had been me?" She added, reservedly.

They sat in silence for a moment, the mention of Elliot's name a significant turning point between the two.

"I'm doing okay Liv." Amanda reassured; she took another long swig of her beer. "It's just, sometimes, well, some days are harder than others, that's all."

"And if I hadn't forced you to come out this evening?"

Amanda chuckled; finishing up with her plate she pushed it to one side. "I'd have probably woken up in the cribs tomorrow morning." She laughed wryly. "Don't tell me you've never done the same?"

"Too many times." Liv agreed, smiling.

In a rare moment of vulnerability, Amanda found herself wanting to confess to the brunette, again.

"It's the weeks where I 'don't' go home … that are the hardest." She mumbled quietly, avoiding Liv's piercing gaze. "When I've barely got a moment to remember whether I ate yet today, everything's fine …" She chewed over her next words carefully. "It's the come down from that, that's hard." Her eyes sought out Olivia's, needing to see if the pity she expected to find in them would be there. "How do you deal with the sudden, all encompassing silence?" She paused, "You find another way to get that same rush … and let yourself forget."

Olivia leant forwards, grasping the blonde's hand again, harder this time, her touch saying everything her voice temporarily couldn't. Amanda turned her head away, trying to hide the tears that threatened to fall but Olivia's grasp wouldn't allow it.

"It's okay …" Olivia whispered, "Let me help you …"

Amanda's head shook, her walls threatening to crumble.

"Please?"

That one simple word, Amanda allowed the sincerity of it to pierce her tough exterior, believing – if only for a moment – that Liv meant her offer of support. If only it hadn't been followed by a wave of self-pity, self-loathing and self-hate. Here was a woman who gave her all to everything and everyone, who was taking care of her?

She rubbed the escaping tears from her eyes, sighing deeply in self-composure as she extricated her hand from beneath Liv's hold.

"Look, Liv …" Her steely blue eyes focussed in on the brunette's, willing herself to not give away her lies. "I appreciate everything you're doing for me, that you've done for me … but I'm fine, honest."

"If you say so." Liv replied, sadly. "You done?" She added, suddenly wanting to get out of there and home, away from the uncomfortable feelings swirling around inside her.

Rollins brought those ideas of wanting to nurture and care back into the forefront of her mind. Not since Alex, perhaps, all those years ago had she felt this way; simultaneously infuriated by her stubbornness, beguiled by her beauty and intrigued by her demons. Olivia Benson; friend, lover and protector, was back – the very idea of which frightened the life out of her.

She found herself hurrying to pay their cheque, her jacket, scarf and gloves already on as Rollins sat opposite still, looking confused.

She offered her help, promised to be there, always, then grew afraid of her feelings and wanted to run.

"I really am sorry …" Liv muttered, suddenly standing, ready to leave.

"Liv … what? … wait up …" Amanda's bewilderment evident in her voice. She followed the brunette hurriedly out onto the street. "Liv!?"

Olivia turned, eyes downcast, avoiding her partner's gaze. She approached the blonde cautiously, her body operating under autonomic control as she grasped Amanda's upper arms in her own. "I'm sorry …" She said again, the words all suddenly coming out in a rush. "You needed a friend and," She paused, unable to draw her eyes away from the blonde's soft rosy lips. "I am your friend and I'll always be your friend but I'm not sure I'm the best person to help you through this …"

Amanda opened her mouth to speak, intending to state her misunderstanding, be annoyed at how contradictory and confusing the older woman could sometimes be. Only her speech was cut off by the sudden and intrusive touch of Olivia's lips against her own, their bodies sighing together out of intense bliss before all of a sudden the blonde opened her eyes to find herself cold and alone on the street.

Olivia had run.

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**Reviews are love **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N – Okay, so – firstly thank you so much for everyone who is reading and reviewing, the reviews spur me on to write faster and I also appreciate hearing what people think about the direction this story is going in, since I feel like I'm winging it which is something I *never* do! There's something about these two that intrigues me, I feel like Rollins would allow Benson to connect with her younger self, how she used to be. The story's taking a sort of darker turn, going to be a bit angsty I think, I hope you'll all stick with me for the ride?**

**Also, I lost half of this chapter in a silly editing error. I'm not totally convinced I'm as happy with the re-write. **

**Reviews are *always* appreciated!**

* * *

She didn't sleep at all that night.

The apartment seemed colder, emptier, like there weren't several thousand people milling about on the streets beyond its walls. Her thoughts echoed inside her mind, rolling over and over, back and forth as she replayed the events leading up to their kiss, wondering how she'd not seen it coming and cursing herself for not having paid better attention.

Because lets face it, when Olivia Benson kisses you, you'd probably want to remember.

She rolled over and glanced at the clock, 3:45am, she ran a finger, hesitantly, across chapped lips, dry from the weather, desperately trying to relive the memory once again.

At 4am she rose, threw on a pair of sweats and an NYPD hoodie and made her way to the kitchen, placing a dollar bill from her wallet into the jar almost out of habit, since gambling was really the furthest thing from her mind – a new addiction had formed.

This addiction was far more severe, its implications dangerous and heady, a gorgeous brunette with the softest lips, chestnut brown silken strands and a beguiling body of luscious curves.

Rollins grabbed the flour and a couple of eggs from the basket and began to melt chocolate on top of the stove, wondering how it was her fridge stood empty aside from baking ingredients in abundance. She tried to analyse her thoughts but this grew wearisome, thinking over every millisecond leading up to – and after – that kiss. The brownie mix went into the oven – done 30 minutes later, a tray of chocolate glossy goodness staring back at her. She let it cool before placing the decadent squares into the tin, ready for work in the morning.

She would do as she had always done, she'd pretend it never happened and move on.

Of course, the similarities between them didn't end with their interest in each other, so it shouldn't have really been a shock to her that Benson had the exact same idea …

* * *

"Would someone care to explain to me when 36 hours suddenly meant 12?" Cragen asked, he'd not yet taken off his coat but was a mixture of frustrated and proud to see his two best detectives occupying their usual desks, heads buried deep in paperwork.

They both looked at him, but said nothing, and in the end he supposed it was probably best to keep out. 14 years of working with Olivia had definitely taught him one thing, he missed his wife every day but women weren't straightforward.

Rollins took Cragen's arrival as enough back-up to make her approach, picking up the cake tin from her desk she made her way across to Olivia, about to speak her first words to the brunette since the previous night. "Brownie?"

Olivia felt overwhelmed, knowing that Rollins had struggled overnight, she wondered if that had something to do with her, and their kiss?

"Don't read anything into it Liv." Rollins said curtly, "They're just brownies, you either want one or you don't …"

Her body language spoke volumes to the brunette, she wasn't forgiven, this wasn't over, but at the same time Rollins appeared to want to show how very much she was past it.

"Thanks," Liv replied, taking one from the tin. She missed the ease of their banter, the way she could read Amanda's mood by catching her eye. She hated the thought of being shut out. "Amanda … about …"

"I've got a ton of work to do." Rollins replied hurriedly, returning to sit at her desk.

Olivia sighed; clearly her ability to fuck things up hadn't lessened over the years.

* * *

The rest of the weekend brought no more opportunity to talk, then in the early hours of Monday morning the case broke and both women were answering their cells to Cragen reluctantly calling them back into work.

They had him.

Amanda felt a sense of relief as she watched him pace the interrogation room like a caged animal, knowing the bitter taste of having to release him earlier in the week was worth it if this time he went away for good. Six women were dead, one seriously injured at Bellevue; his victim's body wore the signs of how much she'd had to fight him for her life. It just wasn't fair. Her stomach turned over at the thought of it and she put her hand out against the glass to steady herself.

"We got him …" Liv said softly from behind.

Amanda turned, cross with herself at being caught exposed and vulnerable again in Olivia's presence. "How's your vic?" She asked, diverting the conversation away.

"Alive," Olivia replied, "barely … DNA's a match …" She added, ruefully. "He's not gonna walk away from this one."

Rollins nodded, preparing to enter the interview room, this one was personal, this one was hers.

* * *

"To Rollins!" Amaro lifted his glass, the second pitcher of beer on their table and the sleep-deprived detectives were all feeling a little merry.

The rest of them chinked their glasses together. "To Rollins."

The blonde smiled, but avoided the gaze of the brunette, her own glass filled with wine instead of beer – another reminder of how she was anything but 'one of the boys'. She'd obtained a full confession for the last attack and the six before it, and she should have been proud – instead she felt empty, regretting that they hadn't collared him sooner.

"Bastard got what was coming to him, in the end." Fin noted, sensing that something about this last case had gotten under his old partner's skin.

They all nodded in silent agreement.

Fin left shortly after, taking a drunk Munch with him, leaving Amaro alone with the two women and the palpable atmosphere between them.

"How's Zara doing?" Olivia asked, figuring that Nick's daughter was a fairly safe topic of conversation.

"She's okay." Nick replied, he swirled the glass of beer in front of him wistfully. "She loves her new school and Maria's job keeps better hours so it means they've got more time to spend together."

"That's good." Olivia mused.

"Yeah …" Nick's voice seemed sad. "A kid needs their mother."

"Hey …" Amanda was quick to defend him against himself. "I saw how you were with her," She said softly. "You're a great dad."

"Thanks. Another round?" Nick offered, keen to change the subject. He slid out of the booth and made his way over to the bar, leaving the two women alone.

The temperature suddenly dropped a few degrees.

"Amanda …" Liv's voice was hesitant, testing the waters. "About the other night …"

"Don't." Amanda's tone was warning, and forceful.

"It's just …"

"I don't wanna talk about it Liv," The blonde bit back, "Respect that."

Amaro returned with another pitcher of beer and a glass of wine for Liv. "What you guys talking about?" He asked, somewhat stupidly.

"We were just talking about how the job tends to get in the way of any kind of life outside of work …" Rollins said demurely.

Olivia didn't miss the gentle jibe at her, veiled within.

"You don't need to tell me that." Amaro agreed, still smarting from his separation.

"Which is why it's so important that we look out for each other," Liv said softly, swirling the stem of the wine glass in her hands.

Amanda glanced up, a warning glare on her face.

"You're right." Nick agreed, "I mean … if we don't have each other …"

Alcohol soothed so many ills, making him conveniently forget that just weeks before he'd accused them all of turning their backs on him, Liv especially. Amanda's pain was not so soothed, still raw, she chose that moment to remind him.

"That's convenient." She said stiffly. "How you've simply forgotten how come it is you two are no longer partnered together?" She gazed from Olivia to Nick and back again, settling her eyes on Olivia's discomfort. "I guess Liv has this way of getting her partners to 'forget' each time she screws them over …"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Olivia hissed, suggesting the bar was neither the time nor the place.

Rollins didn't really care; alcohol had finally lowered 'her' inhibitions sufficiently that she felt like talking now, where she hadn't before.

Amaro looked across at them both, wondering silently what he'd stepped into. He also wondered if they'd notice if he just quietly slipped out …

"We've all got demons Liv," Rollins said warningly. "You of all people should know that."

"I do …" Liv thought over her next words carefully. "I do and that's why I'm sorry if I made you feel like I tricked you, I never meant to hurt you Amanda, I swear."

Rollins suddenly noticed the absence of Amaro beside her. "When did he leave?" She asked.

Olivia shrugged, she didn't blame the blonde for being pissed at her, she'd encouraged her to let her guard down and then when she did, instead of sticking around to deal with the emotional stuff – she'd bailed. She leant forwards, her fingertips reaching out to touch against Amanda's above the tabletop. "Can we go someplace else?" She asked, silently urging the blonde to trust her.

Amanda felt herself giving in, drowning in that soft willowy voice. _How many others? _She thought, _how many others have fallen for you in this way?_

"Where do you want to go?" Amanda asked, her voice still frosty.

"Anywhere," Liv replied, softness creeping in, she held Amanda's gaze, willing the blonde to relent. "Anywhere that's not here."

"Your place or mine?" Rollins asked, withdrawing her hand and finishing the last of her beer. She'd allow Olivia another chance, but she'd do it on her own terms.

Olivia thought about it, realising there was only one place she wanted to go - she needed to see to understand, figure out what it was that kept Amanda Rollins so intriguing and out of reach.

She had to know what it was that made her drawn like a moth to a flame.

"Yours." She replied softly.

* * *

**Reviews are love and I love to hear what you think **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N - Thanks everyone for all the great reviews! I'm so glad people are enjoying the story :)** **This next chapter is a little darker, I hope everyone sticks with me. FWIW I've no plans to kill either of them off, or have them kill each other but what can I say ... accidents sometimes happen! (just responding to a few review points there!) hehe**

**Same disclaimers apply - drop me a review if you like ... I love them :)**

* * *

The cab journey was quiet, the three flights of stairs to Amanda's cute and compact walk-up even quieter still. Olivia had the distinct feeling the blonde was simply humouring her, perhaps too tired to continue the fight.

"It's lovely." Olivia noted, as Amanda showed her inside, gesturing through to the couch.

And it really was, small and cosy with just the one bedroom and a kitchen and dining living space. Little personal touches adorned the walls, like pictures of family and friends, and to the refrigerator was clipped a stack of cut out recipes from newspapers and magazines, alongside the contact details for the local gamblers anonymous.

Liv's eyes fell upon it, and lingered. "Are you still going to meetings?" She asked, not wanting to sound as if she was prying.

Amanda bit back her desire to be curt, to inform the brunette – less than delicately – that her sobriety was none of her business. She couldn't do it; she couldn't maintain the idea that Olivia didn't care about her when she knew deep down that she did.

"Eight months and going strong." She replied, showing Olivia the 8-month badge she kept in a small enamel bowl on top of the fridge. A reminder of the dark places she'd been to and the unspoken longing to never go back.

Olivia thought about what it meant to be inviting another person with an addiction into her life, questioning why she would ever do that when internally she viewed addictions as weak. Nothing about Rollins was weak, or in need of her pity. If anything she wore her heart on her sleeve easier than most, it's what drew Olivia to her, that recognition of her own attributes in someone else.

But she was still an addict, and Olivia was cautious.

"$199 dollars, a lot of cakes and only one serious beating …" Amanda continued glibly. "I think I got off pretty lightly if you ask me."

Olivia approached her, seeing the tense way she hid her pain from view of others. "I'm sorry that happened to you …" She said softly, as Amanda turned away from her, hiding her eyes.

"You want something to drink?" Amanda asked, busying herself with putting the kettle on the stove.

"Amanda …"

The blonde turned, hesitantly.

"Please … can we just talk?"

She signalled towards the couch and Olivia followed. "What do you want to talk about?"

Liv smiled, settling herself down to face the blonde. "I kissed you." She said softly. "And I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that …"

Amanda blushed, Liv's frankness a little off putting. "S'fine …" She mumbled, suddenly aware that her heart rate increased and her palms felt sweaty.

"It's not." Olivia pushed on. "I crossed a line and I shouldn't have …" She paused, "I had no right to presume …"

"You didn't presume wrongly …" Amanda blurted out, unable to stop herself.

Liv sat back in surprise. The kettle began whistling furiously on the stove and Amanda jumped up to attend to it, relieved to get away from Olivia's close proximity. Liv watched her from the couch, going about the routine of making them both tea as if nothing had happened between them.

"Amanda …" Liv approached her from behind, observing the tension in the younger blonde's shoulders, beneath the jacket she'd not yet taken off. She realised her invitation into the apartment had been an intensely personal one, figuring that few had come this way before.

"Don't." Amanda warned. She wasn't sure what she was warning Olivia against, her destructive inner need perhaps, the knowledge that no one she'd ever dated before had come out unscathed, the understanding that Liv would make herself available but to what degree of personal expense? "Just … don't."

"I can't not." Olivia husked quietly, softly stepping closer, she reached out her hand to brush away blonde strands from the back of Amanda's neck.

Amanda shivered, the touch of Liv's fingers against her skin burned brightly aflame. She bent her head, the simple act granting the brunette access to her request. Liv moved closer still, using both hands she gently urged the removal of the tan leather jacket from the blonde's shoulders, tossing it behind onto the counter top. Amanda's breath hitched in her chest, her heartbeat pummelling loudly as her fingers shook – she steadied them against the stovetop for support.

"I can stop …" Olivia whispered. "If that's what you want?"

Want.

Amanda had a number of wants, some more basic than others, some achievable, others not so. Either way, she'd never deny Olivia anything, but the fact that she asked, meant everything.

"Nnng …" The word came out like a strangled cry, lost in her throat as she felt the first touch of the brunette's lips against the back of her neck. "Liv …"

"Turn around …" Liv's command was soft, pleading almost; she needed to see Amanda's eyes, to feel the connection she knew she'd find there. Obediently the smaller blonde turned, her eyes downcast, afraid. "Look at me …" Liv asked. "Amanda, look at me?"

Blue eyes met brown, one set steely and in control, the other nervous and afraid. Whilst Amanda could trust that Olivia would be a good friend to her, a confidant, someone to step up when the going got tough or the stakes were raised. Her potential as a partner in their current disposition was less certain, after all, hadn't the brunette run out on her just days before?

"You're right to be wary of me." Olivia said suddenly, her fingertips tracing Amanda's cheek delicately. "I don't know what I want, I never have … and I've never been any good at knowing where to draw the line." She added, thinking of Cassidy and Alex and Novak and … Elliot. "But …"

"But what?" Amanda asked, finally looking up, holding the older woman's stare bravely. "What is it that you want Liv?"

Rather than reply, Liv thought it best to simply demonstrate. Leaning in, she drew the blonde up to meet her, crashing their lips together in a soft but forceful kiss. Amanda fell into the kiss yieldingly, her lips parting to allow the brunette the dominant access she craved. Never before had anyone unravelled Amanda Rollins with one simple kiss. It frightened her, terrified her to be truthful.

"Liv … Liv … wait …" She was pushing her away but the brunette continued on with the kiss. "Liv!"

Her tone finally shook Olivia, causing her to pull away. "What?" She asked, softly running her fingers across the blonde's chin, tracing her lower lip, recalling the sensation of biting onto it just seconds earlier.

"We can't do this … we 'shouldn't' be doing this …" Rollins affirmed, steadfastly.

"Bullshit." Liv challenged, she leant back into the blonde, her arousal taking over. "Seems to me you were into it just a minute ago?" She ran her tongue across her own bottom lip and followed it with her teeth, biting down softly.

Amanda groaned, her belly twitching in delight at the proximity of Olivia in front of her, making seductive moves, her voice drenched in sex.

"It's okay," Liv soothed, "I want this …"

Amanda felt the kitchen surrounding her grow fuzzy, her eyes slipping closed as Liv's tongue pushed against the thundering pulse in her neck, her lips following it and sucking hard – leaving a dark purple bruise as a lasting reminder. She pushed Amanda back against the stove, her hands gripping the younger detective's waist firmly and possessively.

"Liv …"

It was wrong, but it seemed as if Liv couldn't hear her. Their mouths meshed together, Liv's tongue dominating hers, gently exploring. When the brunette's hand moved beneath her sweater, slowly inching upwards to cup a pert breast, her thumb swiping expertly across the tip – Amanda's mind suddenly snapped back into focus.

"Liv …" She began to panic, the rational part of her brain gone, no longer dealing with Olivia but instead a nameless, faceless embodiment of the thing she was most afraid of, relinquishing control, having it happen to her all over again. "Olivia … stop … STOP!"

The scream startled Olivia and she backed away as if burned. Rollins stood pale against the kitchen stove, her body trembling, silent tears locked behind her grey soulless eyes.

"I think you should go …" Amanda forced out, frantically. "Please …"

"Amanda …" Just like that Olivia had switched back into concerned detective mode, afraid for what she'd seen in that split second when the blonde pushed her away.

"Please …" Rollins words came in short sharp breaths, as she struggled to keep back the tears that were threatening to fall. "I want you to leave …"

The certainty in her voice was cold, sending a shiver down Olivia's spine. Without saying a word she picked up her coat from the back of the couch and made her way to the door, flicking the latch as she turned back for one final glance. Rollins hadn't moved, her body bent double with her hands upon her knees, focusing on every breath she took lest she might pass out and degrade herself even further.

Liv shut the door on her way out, cursing herself for doing it again and falling for the thing that she knew was bad for her.

* * *

An hour later, Rollins picked herself up off the kitchen floor and went to take a shower. Red puffy eyes stared back at her as she looked in the mirror, and on turning her head she saw the deepening purple outline of a circular hickey upon her neck.

"I'm sorry …" She whimpered, to the silence in the bathroom.

She turned on the faucet, shedding her clothes before stepping into the hot steam as further tears fell down her cheeks. She no longer understood who, or what, she was crying for. Surely not herself, for Olivia had stood there and offered up everything she ever asked for? She cried out of uncertainty and out of fear, nothing good ever came from an office romance and there was no telling how deep the amount of trouble they could get into if she let things go any further than they'd already gone?

Further up town, Olivia let herself into her apartment, her body cold and wet from walking ten blocks in the melting snow. It gave her time to think, to process, had she simply not heard Amanda's pleas – or had she just not wanted to? The look the blonde had given her made Olivia's blood run ice cold, causing an internal shiver that even her fourth glass of wine wouldn't shift. Her hands trembled around the bottle as she poured, fearing the emotions rising within her. She stared at the half-full glass for a long time, thinking about every failed relationship, every time she'd begged her own mother to not have a drink just to 'make the feelings go away'. On impulse she picked up the glass and downed its contents in one, silently placing it back upon the countertop. Rollins had screamed at her to stop, the fear in her eyes had been real. Whilst Olivia understood that the blonde had been in no danger with her, she struggled to get past that part.

With a harrowing scream she picked up the glass and threw it down into the sink, the sound of breaking glass a welcome antidote to the silence that surrounded her, again.

* * *

**So ...**

**Reviews are always welcome!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N - Thanks again for the fantastic reviews! I promise they are spurring me on to write faster! The last chapter had lots of feelings in it, the girls need to work through them, they will, however this chapter is a bit different, slightly lighter in parts. Anyway, I hope you enjoy - as always reviews are greatly appreciated, I love to hear what you think :)**

**Same disclaimers apply.**

* * *

All the male detectives of the 1-6 knew was that an argument had gone down between the two women and if they understood what was good for them, they'd stay out of it.

Rollins arrived in work early on Tuesday morning, her eyes red from a long night of sleeplessness and crying. Despite the unfriendly hour she still wasn't early enough to beat Olivia or Cragen, the latter of whom assumed Rollins eyes looked the way they did because of their session in the bar the night before.

Only Olivia knew what really happened.

There were no cakes on the end of the blonde's desk the rest of that week. Cragen temporarily reassigned Liv with Amaro and Rollins with Fin, understanding that if neither of them would talk about it – he still had work piling up that needed to be done. Fin tried to talk to Rollins, receiving a cold and curt response that ironically would have made him laugh because it reminded him so much of the way Benson used to behave in her earlier days. Amaro didn't even bother with Liv, seeing that the brunette was clearly upset enough by whatever it was that had happened between her and the blonde. It could have gone on as such, indefinitely, were it not for a man named Lucas Sawyers.

Sawyers was the prime suspect in the abduction of a six year old, his sheet read like the walk through of a 'how to become a paedophile'. Liv and Amaro tracked down his old girlfriend, who in turn had a child of her own, aged seven. It was Olivia's gentle coaxing that allowed her to open up, spilling his secrets and leading the detectives to know just where to find him.

Amanda and Fin circled the house with a couple of uniformed officers; Rollins took the back as Fin took the front. As she entered, the uniformed rookie with her was startled by a dog barking in the next-door neighbour's yard, Rollins turned to reassure him and was cold-cocked with a baseball bat up the side of her head. The uniformed officer shot, shooting Sawyer twice in the leg and the shoulder, he fell to the ground beside Rollins as Fin found the little girl, tied up and stuffed inside one of the kitchen cupboards and relatively unhurt. All Liv and Amaro heard was that Rollins was on her way to the hospital and still out cold.

Amaro took the call, unsure of what to say to his senior detective, after all – he'd been at the bar with them that night, he left them alone, and then ever since they'd avoided taking up the same air-space as each other.

"Rollins is hurt." He said, shutting off the call from Cragen.

Liv's head snapped up. "What do you mean 'she's hurt'?" She asked, sending Amaro a steely icy glare.

"Something went down at the bust and Sawyer clocked her with a baseball bat."

"Is she going to be okay?" Olivia asked, panic rising inside her chest, _not again._

Amaro shrugged. "Fin says she's still out cold, they're taking her to Mercy."

The drive there, Olivia couldn't help but think how tangible their lives were, hanging by a seamless thread – which could break at any moment. If Amanda died, her greatest regret would be that she never got the chance to make things right between them, to understand what had made Rollins push her away, afraid.

* * *

"How is she?" Liv asked, running up to Cragen and Fin in the waiting room.

"She came round in the back of the bus." Fin replied, clearly relieved that his partner was conscious again. "Doc's are just checking her over now, they were puttin' her in a gown and she was fighting 'em so I cleared out."

Olivia glanced at Cragen, silently asking for permission. "Go on …" He agreed with her, "See if they'll let you in."

She made her way back to the trauma room in the ER, just in time to see a young doctor try and wrestle a neck collar around Amanda's neck.

"Detective Rollins …" His voice was pleading with her. "You could have a spinal injury, please?"

Rollins speech was slightly slurred as she fought him off. "My neck's just fine!" She assured him, moving it around to demonstrate.

He groaned, that being precisely the opposite of what he was trying to achieve.

"Here," Olivia approached them slowly, holding out her hand to take the neck collar from the doctor. "Let me try."

He was clearly young, and a little intimidated, his first cop injured in the line of duty and he wanted to be sure he did right by NYPD's finest, their brothers and sisters in blue. He handed Liv the collar, going on to explain, "Her neuro exam is clear but we'd like to get a c-spine and a head CT just to be sure."

Olivia nodded, approaching Amanda cautiously. "Hey …" She said softly, moving to take the blonde's hand. "You okay?"

Amanda smiled at her somewhat dumbly, still clearly concussed. "Hey!" She squealed. "Olivia!"

Olivia smiled; concussed Rollins was kind of cute. "Hey," She said again, softly running her fingers across the blonde's arm. "The doctor wants you to wear this collar for a little bit, do you think you can do that for me?"

Amanda seemed to consider it for a moment, and then agreed, "Okay."

The doctor sighed heavily with relief, "I'll go order the scans."

He left them alone in the room with just a nurse who busied herself attaching Rollins to a variety of machines so that she could run a few basic tests now that the woman was no longer squirming and trying to get away.

"What happened?" Liv asked, settling herself on the edge of the bed.

It seemed that concussed Rollins couldn't remember that the two of them were fighting, or if she did, she didn't care. Rollins shrugged, "Something hit me." Her hand went up to the side of her head, feeling for the large goose egg that was already formed there, blood on her fingertips made her feel woozy and her head began lolling about.

The rest happened in slow motion, as Liv recalled – the nurse passed her an emesis basin, just as Rollins turned and emptied her stomach contents onto herself and Olivia, apologising immediately afterwards.

"It's okay honey," Olivia soothed, before stepping back and allowing the nurses to come in and clean up, they passed her a pair of scrubs to go change into.

* * *

So they sat in the waiting room again, an odd foursome of the three male detectives and Olivia in her pale blue scrubs.

"It suits you …" Amaro teased, as they sat waiting for Rollins to come out of the scanner. "You ever consider a career change?"

Liv swatted his arm in mock annoyance, looking up to the sight of Amanda's doctor approaching them.

"We have her scan results back." He said, a little nervous as they all gathered around him. "There are some minor contusions, and some swelling, we'll be keeping her in for observation overnight but she should make a full recovery."

All four sighed with relief. "Can we see her?" Liv asked.

The doctor nodded. "We had to give her a mild sedative to keep her still for the scan," He explained. "She's a little out of it, so maybe just one at a time?"

Olivia looked to Fin who nodded in her direction, understanding her need to make amends. She went on back to the room they'd moved Amanda into, opening the door to find the blonde fast asleep in bed. She approached cautiously, taking the rare opportunity to fully observe her co-worker as she slept, her blond hair slightly matted on one side to the sticky patch of dried blood on her forehead. They'd said she was lucky, since she was turning back around when he struck her the blow avoided the weaker part of her skull. Olivia found herself internally laughing; Rollins was always so 'hard-headed'.

"Liv?" Amanda's voice was thick and gravely, without any of the childishness of her earlier concussion.

"Hey," Olivia softly inched towards her. "How are you feeling?"

"Like someone knocked me upside the head with a baseball bat …?" Rollins replied dryly.

Olivia chuckled, unable to stop the automatic motion of her fingers lightly tracing the blonde's face, sweeping a few errant strands of hair out of the way.

"I must look awful." Rollins croaked, trying her best to sit up, any slight movement sent thundering pain reverberating through her skull and a wave of nausea threatened to erupt. "Oh god …" She whimpered, falling weakly back against the pillows.

"You've looked better." Liv agreed, though the softness in her voice gave away just how glad she was the blonde was at least speaking to her again.

"I'm sorry I threw up on you." Amanda mumbled, embarrassed. Her eyes had started to slip closed again, and Olivia knew it wouldn't be long before she fell back to sleep.

"I think I probably deserved it." Liv answered wryly. She sat quietly on the side of the bed, pausing a moment before taking the blonde's hand in her own and squeezing it tight. Amanda's features visibly relaxed. "Go back to sleep." Liv said softly. "I'll still be here when you wake up."

She daren't leave, just in case the blonde awoke and she wasn't there, the simple promise one she was intent on keeping. Cragen, Fin and Amaro all popped their heads in before leaving, on their way back to the precinct to file charges against Lucas Sawyer, under police arrest at Bellevue. Cragen urged her to stay, take a day or two even, and catch up on her sleep. He didn't come right out and say it but Olivia understood the message which was hidden within his words, he was telling her to sort things out.

And sort things out she would.

* * *

**Hope y'all liked it ... where will they go from here I wonder?**

**R&R**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N – Apologies for the slight delay in posting this next chapter, that 'ole thing known as work got in the way! Hope you all enjoy the next chapter, not that Amanda's concussion is resolving I reckon it's time she and Liv had a talk. Feelings flying all round for the next couple of chapters!**

**Again, thanks so so much for all the reviews, you lot are awesome, promise it won't be such a long wait for the next one! **

**Same disclaimers apply.**

* * *

Liv woke several hours later to the sound of footsteps and hushed whispering, her cop senses kicking in as she jerked awake, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings of the hospital room and her muscles screeching out in pain – she'd fallen asleep in the chair beside Rollins' bed.

Rollins looked at her, amused. "Hey sleepyhead."

Olivia rubbed at her face and sat up, there were two nurses in the room – one of them shining a light in Amanda's eyes as the other wrote down a series of numbers from those being displayed on the screen above her bed.

"You look a lot better." Liv said, sitting forwards, her arms on the edge of the bed.

Amanda smiled, her fingertips twitched in the direction of Olivia's arms, desperate to reach out and touch. "I feel a lot better." She reassured. "And I haven't been sick for several hours so they're going to let me eat something!"

Olivia blinked her eyes sleepily, "How long have I been asleep?"

"Hours." Amanda teased. "But you looked kind of cute so I told them to leave you alone."

"Actually she warned us against waking you." One of the nurses interjected.

Liv smiled, blissfully unaware of the various conversations which had gone on whilst she was sleeping. She also hadn't failed to pick up on the fact that Amanda had called her cute.

Although cute didn't really do justice to the thoughts swirling round Amanda Rollins fuzzy brain when she awoke several hours earlier to see Olivia curled into the chair beside her bed, a ratty hospital blanket covering her slender frame. Her face was peaceful in sleep, not wearing frown lines of worry like she had over the past week of their entrenched silence. As much as she hated to admit it, she'd missed the brunette, her very presence in her day-to-day something she'd taken for granted, how easily Liv could reassure her and reaffirm with just one look.

"I'm uncharacteristically grumpy if woken from sleep." Olivia said, agreeing with Amanda's perception of her.

"That's only cos we never get enough of it." Rollins replied, softness and care coming through in her voice.

Both felt the subtle shift in mood between them, as if remembering the reason they were each responsible for lack of sleep in the other over the previous week. Olivia shifted onto the edge of the bed as the two nurses left, with promises of returning soon with cereal and toast.

"Amanda," She began softly, taking the blonde's hand in her own and caressing it gently across the palm with her thumb.

Amanda's chest and neck flushed in response. "It's okay Liv …" She said quietly, cutting her off. "We don't have to talk, let's just forget about it, okay?"

It was a pleading ask, one borne out of vulnerability, the realisation that as much as she wanted Olivia, she didn't want to endure the conversation that would get them there.

"Amanda," Liv's voice was reassuring and calm. "Come on …?"

Amanda turned her head away, tears welling in her eyes, under any other circumstance she'd have upped and walked away but she was trapped, forced to confront her feelings.

"I was afraid." The blonde mumbled, her voice wobbling as she spoke. "I know it's not the same, but I love this job and I finally felt like I was starting to belong here and I just thought, what if you …?" Her voice trailed off, reluctant to go so far as to compare Olivia to that jackass back in Atlanta.

"You thought what?" Olivia asked, "You thought I'd take advantage of us? Of you?"

"No …!" Amanda was quick to correct herself, why – when they tried to talk did everything end up coming out wrong? She sighed deeply. "Maybe …"

A soft knock at the door followed by a nurse bringing in tea and toast for them both, silenced the two detectives for a while. Olivia watched Amanda as she ate, looking for any signs of re-emerging sickness.

"Did you really think I might hurt you?" She asked. The question slid from her lips as if beyond conscious control.

Amanda sighed, setting her plate and cup down in her lap. She shrugged, "Logically, no … but in that moment … it felt like I couldn't be sure."

Olivia felt a pain, raw and deep within her, she'd finally done it, finally overstepped the mark. "I'm sorry I didn't listen …" She mouthed wordlessly.

"Hey, don't do that," Amanda urged, she searched Olivia's face – looking for the trust she'd seen there earlier. "Don't assume this was anything to do with you … because it wasn't."

"Tell me about him." Olivia asked, she swallowed back her own tears, which threatened to fall, wanting to know more about the man who'd compromised Amanda's ability to trust in others.

"He was my sergeant." She whispered, willing her body to stay distanced from the feelings associated with that most painful memory. It had never been an issue before; no one – except Olivia – had been successful in getting her to talk about it. "We were working undercover, things got a little too close and I guess he thought, or misinterpreted something I'd said to mean I was interested in something more, anyway …" She paused. "He tried it on with me and I pulled my gun on him."

Olivia stayed quiet, internally processing. She couldn't see Amanda pulling her gun on a senior officer without good reason. Although a small and unheard part of her felt proud at Amanda's actions, it also made her question how far things had 'really' gone.

"Anyway," The blonde pressed on. "He accused me of being 'mentally unhinged', or some other lame-ass bullshit. My old Captain always had a soft spot for me and he knew that I wanted into sex-crimes so I was transferred up here. The rest is history." She added, closing the conversation with an air of finality.

"Why'd you pull your gun on him?" Liv asked, she pulled Amanda's hand into her lap and began stroking it softly, "Must've been pretty serious? You could have lost your shield."

Amanda's eyes swam with unshed tears; she struggled to blink them back, a solitary one escaping to run down her cheek.

"Amanda …" Liv pressed on. "Tell me …?"

The blonde's voice wavered as she spoke. "I watched my dad hit my mom, Liv …" Silvery droplets trickled down her cheeks. "She finally gathered up enough courage to leave him and then Kim goes and gets herself into the exact same situation with Jeff." Her eyes drew focus on the way Liv's hand caressed her own, ever so gently. "All my life I've watched someone I love let themselves be someone else's punching bag. I swore … if I ever felt threatened by a man …"

Olivia nodded, finally understanding. "It's okay …" She said softly, drawing the blonde towards her – she wrapped her arms around Rollins' slight frame, feeling the sobs from within her body before she heard them.

After a minute or two Amanda pulled away.

"Would you like me to call either of them for you?" Liv asked, holding the younger woman within her arms for a little longer.

Rollins shook her head. "No thanks, Mom would only worry and Kim's not exactly the person you want to have around you in a crisis." She joked, the disappointment in her voice palpable.

"Good thing you have me then?" Liv offered, helping her to settle back against the pillows. "Is there anything you need? More painkillers perhaps?"

Amanda shook her head, feeling sleep threaten to overtake her. "I need sleep." She mumbled, barely registering that Olivia was clearing away the plate and cup from her lap. "Don't feel that you have to stay …" She added, her eyes staying closed.

Liv gently released the blonde's hand from her grasp, realising that sleep took her. She took in the quiet room, the soft hum of the strip light above the bed and the distant sound of chatter coming from the nurses station. She realised that she owed it to Rollins to sort out her own feelings before taking things any further, but more than that – she owed it to Rollins to stay.

* * *

They discharged her the following day, she had to stay with someone for the next 48 hours so naturally Liv offered and Amanda protested, assuring them all that she'd be perfectly comfortable set up in the cribs where they could each take turns in keeping an eye on her whilst still going about their jobs. Liv groaned, audibly, in sheer frustration at the blonde's stubbornness, and eventually they reached a compromise that she would go home with Olivia for a few hours to get showered and changed before accompanying her to the precinct to simply 'sit there and look pretty and not lift a finger' for the rest of the afternoon. The battle over getting her to go back with Olivia at the end of the day was one the brunette decided she could save until later.

"Remind you of anyone?" Fin joked, as he and the others stepped outside, allowing the nurses to help Amanda into her spare clothes from her go-bag, which Fin had collected from her locker.

Munch and Cragen shared a look, neither wanting to say.

"Who?" Amaro asked, intrigued.

"Benson." Fin replied, a sly smirk upon his face. "If you think 'that's' stubborn – you should have seen Liv back in the day. She used to make ER docs tremble and she'd never let anyone help, not even Elliot."

"Looks like she's about to get a taste of her own medicine then?" Amaro hypothesised, amused as he watched Olivia getting a list of check-sheets and post head-injury advice leaflets from an overzealous nurse at the nurses station.

Olivia rejoined them, the stack of papers in hand. "Jesus." She grumbled, "Anyone would think we weren't cops … I think I know how to deal with a bump on the head."

Amaro chuckled. Maybe Olivia putting up with Rollins' stubbornness wasn't the problem.

* * *

**Reviews are love and I love to hear what you think **

**And head-injury advice leaflets are hilarious. I don't know if they have them in the states, but we do here in the UK, I seem to give them out about 4 or 5 a shift! I also collected quite a few myself as a student!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N - Hello lovely readers, I think y'all are gonna like me after this chapter *grin* As always I'd really love to hear what you think and I'm so grateful for all the reviews so far, I'm very happy people are getting behind these two! When Amanda says biscuits she means southern biscuits, a thing which I find hard to describe to English friends but a thing which I love, I feel they are a cross between a scone and a sweet bread, but even that doesn't really do them justice. Anyway, they're awesome and seemingly impossible to recreate in the UK no matter how hard you try!**

**Enough rambling about baking, on with the story!**

**Same disclaimers apply!**

* * *

Amanda woke in unfamiliar surroundings, to soft linen sheets, warmth with a gentle breeze and a strange sense of stillness.

She sat up slowly, reminded of the dull ache to the side of her head. She reached up to touch the offending point gingerly, noting that a sizeable bump was still present.

The pale glow of moonlight shone in through a gap in the curtains, signalling it was dark outside, but something about the noise coming in through the crack in the open sash window told her that it wasn't yet night time.

She swung her legs out, letting her toes rub softly into the rug beside the bed, remembering by now that she was taking a nap in Olivia's spare bedroom, having lost the battle – the jury was still out on the war.

It was kind of Olivia, to open her home up like this and offer to take care of her, and truth be told she'd rather be in Olivia's comfortable guest bed than the rock hard ones in the crib. It was just a little hard to swallow, Rollins, not unlike Olivia, prided herself in needing no one.

She pattered out into the hallway, walking steadily, her balance still a little off. They'd said it would take a day or two, at least, for the swelling to go down completely. It bothered her, the idea that her brain wasn't exactly functioning on all cylinders, it gave her a taste of what it must feel like to be Kim sometimes.

The living room was empty, the kitchen too. She paused before entering the ajar door into Olivia's bedroom – sure that the brunette would never have left her alone in such a fragile state.

"Liv?" She called out. "Olivia … you in here?"

A splish-sploshing sound came from the open door to the bathroom. "I'm in the tub!" Olivia yelled, clearly alarmed. "Is everything okay? Are you okay? I thought you'd be asleep for a little while longer …"

Amanda chuckled, sorry for having made Liv feel like she was doing a bad job of playing nursemaid. "I'm fine Liv …" She reassured. "Starving though, don't suppose you've got any food?"

"I doubt it …" Liv replied, laughing. "Take-out menus are in the top drawer next to the fridge, find something you like and I'll be out in a minute."

Rollins took a beat to steal a glance around the brunette's bedroom, taking it all in. Then she left quickly, not wanting to be caught standing there when Liv finally came out of the bathroom.

* * *

She had a craving for spicy beef and chicken with cashews so ordered both, assuming that Liv's preference for Chinese food hadn't changed. She was starting to flick through Olivia's cable channels when the brunette appeared – fresh from her shower – wearing a burgundy robe, her damp hair tied up in a clip.

"What, no sports channels?" The blonde teased, covering for the fact that her mouth went dry at the sight of Olivia's bare legs, and the subtle but tempting hint of cleavage where the two sides of her robe came together.

Liv flopped beside her on the couch. "No, only person who used to watch them was Elliot."

It didn't pass Amanda by that this was a big deal, Liv voluntarily mentioning his name. "You guys must've been really close?" She asked, "I mean … twelve years together … that's longer than some …"

"Marriages?" Liv interjected, adding rather sadly, "It felt like a marriage sometimes."

Amanda watched her eyes darken, the lines on her beautiful face drew in. "How so?" She asked, turning her body to face Olivia, her arm strewn across the back of the couch.

"In that it was hard work …" Olivia explained, a lot of the resentment towards Elliot was gone now, mostly what she felt was a mixture of sadness, tinged with regret. "We loved each other, but we weren't always 'good' for each other, if you know what I mean?"

Amanda nodded, wistfully. "Kind of like me and my old Captain …"

It was Olivia's turn to look intrigued.

"He always had a 'thing' for me." Rollins went on to explain. "Both of us knew it would never go anywhere, I mean … he was married, and I prefer chicks …" She added the last part with an impish wink. "But I let him flirt with me and what not, figured it was safe n'all … then a few months ago he shows up in New York, tells me he's separated from his wife and he wants to be with me …" She let it hang in the air for a moment. "I said no, obviously …"

"With Elliot and I, it was more destructive." Liv said darkly. "He used me to fill in the space between work and a wife he could never actually share anything with, and I used him as an excuse to never develop a relationship with anyone new. We didn't need anyone else …" She added, regretfully. "We had each other."

"And then he left." Amanda said solemnly, just as the door entry buzzed with the delivery of Chinese.

"Yeah …" Olivia agreed, slowly getting up. "He left."

* * *

That night Olivia struggled to sleep.

After a belly full of Chinese food and about an hour of catching up on the Sawyer case, Amanda was tired again and retired to bed. It was unlike her to need so much sleep, but Olivia reassured her that it was simply her body's way of recovering.

Liv hovered by the door to the guestroom, ensuring the blonde had everything she might need; fresh towels, an extra blanket, and the window open just the right amount. Amanda chuckled at the fuss, but secretly she was enjoying it. It felt both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time, like they'd moved on from what happened between them without actually moving forwards. So when Olivia moved to give her an awkward hug goodnight, the blonde stiffened, unsure how to process the familiarity of Olivia holding her – wearing just a robe.

To Olivia though, Amanda's body language meant she still felt threatened.

So she tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep. Thinking about Amanda's mother and sister, and how their pain had become her pain. She wondered if that's what lead the younger detective to gambling, was it escapism – like her own mother's escapism into alcohol? The images overshadowed everything she thought she already knew about the blonde – her fierce moral code, her compassion, and her strength. The pit-bull in her nature that had forced Olivia to accept her into the squad even when every bone in her body wanted her not to. She was so consumed by these thoughts that she almost missed the gentle creak of the floorboards in the hall, signalling that the blonde was awake too.

Footsteps moved softly, then paused for a moment outside her own bedroom door. Liv held her breath, wondering if she would say something, knock, or come in? Then the footsteps went away again, moving in the direction of the kitchen. Olivia threw her head down against the pillows; she'd never be able to sleep now.

* * *

"I hope you know – that buttermilk is about a week out of date …?" Liv teased, tying her robe again, over pyjamas this time. She leant against the doorframe to the bedrooms, watching the blonde root around in her kitchen cupboards for a missing ingredient. "Looking for something?"

"Baking powder …" Rollins spied what she was looking for, way in the back, and grabbed it, coming down off her tiptoes slightly unsteadily. "And don't worry, I was gonna use the sniff test first …"

Olivia chuckled, watching her cut butter into flour with a knife. "What're you making?" She asked, amused by the domesticity of the situation.

Amanda glanced briefly over her shoulder, catching Liv's bed-head and cute fluffy slippers in her peripheral vision. "Cheese biscuits." She replied. "I thought they'd be nice for breakfast, and they're a good way to use up all those lonely bits of leftover cheese you have in that thing you call a fridge!"

Liv couldn't help but smile. It felt like forever since anyone had teased her about the contents of her fridge, and even longer since someone had attempted to cook in her kitchen. "You know it's the middle of the night, right?" She said softly.

The blonde continued what she was doing – adding the buttermilk to the mix before shaping into a ball and turning it out. The only recognition that she'd heard was the almost imperceptible nod that came with her whispered response. "I couldn't sleep."

Olivia approached slowly, leaning against the countertop by Amanda's side. "Is everything okay?"

"My Mom makes these biscuits …" Amanda mumbled, her eyes on the soft dough and not on Olivia. "The trick is not to handle them, that way they stay light and fluffy."

It could have gone either way. Liv turned inwards, observing the rapid rise and fall of the blonde's chest, the way she chewed on her bottom lip – anxiously rocking on the outside edges of her socked feet.

"Amanda …"

Unlike the night in Amanda's apartment, the air around them felt completely still, heavy with arousal and admissions of guilt, loneliness and fear. Olivia swept the hair away from the blonde's face, which had fallen from her messy ponytail, catching the way her breath noticeably stopped.

"Tell me no." Olivia instructed. She wouldn't make the same mistake with her again, not now, not ever.

Amanda closed her eyes and shook her head, unable to tell if it was the head injury or proximity of Olivia that was making her dizzy.

"No, you don't want me to? … or no, you're not telling me?" Liv husked, her breath ghosting across Amanda's ear. The blonde shuddered in response, providing Olivia with her answer. She lightly cupped Amanda's cheek, turning her face towards her. Amanda's eyes fluttered open and as they did, Liv claimed her lips in the softest, lightest kiss.

The blonde let out a tiny whimper, her flour covered hands hovering in mid air.

Liv leant against her, hot breath coursing Amanda's neck as she whispered softly. "I'm not running this time …"

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**Reviews are love and I'd love to hear what you think :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N - Hi lovely readers :) This next chapter will hopefully continue to please! I'd say more but last thing I want to do is give away the story in the authors notes. Averaging a post every couple of days, I've no idea how long this is gonna run for but I promise I wont quit till it's done, especially since I've already written the last chapter and it's so cute and sweet I almost gave myself a sugar high! Haha, you all have to wait a while for that though! As always your reviews are *so* appreciated x**

**Same disclaimers apply!**

* * *

If you'd told either one of them that 4am in Olivia's kitchen was where it would happen, they'd probably both have laughed.

Rollins ran flour-covered hands through the brunette's hair, simply not caring. From the moment Olivia kissed her it was like a raging storm began brewing inside, bubbling from deep within, making her feel jumpy and hypervigilant – but not in a bad way. Liv groaned, needing better access, she grasped the honey blonde by the waist, lifting her swiftly onto the counter top.

"Mind the dough!" Amanda squealed, not really breaking their kiss to do so.

Olivia chuckled, her head falling forwards against the blonde's shoulder. Amanda watched her laughing, a little bemused; she stroked the brunette's hair, encouraging her to share whatever tickled her.

"This isn't how I pictured us doing this …" Liv noted lightly. She pulled away softly, leaving her arms wrapped around the blonde's waist as she stood between her open legs, gently cupping her behind.

"How 'did' you picture it?" Rollins drawled, thick tones of need and desire softly caressing her voice.

Olivia's pupils dilated in response, her own voice dropping several octaves. "I suppose I pictured taking you out on a date, somewhere romantic, quiet …" She leant closer, "A little table in the back with no distractions …" Rollins gulped, noticeably, "Then we'd go dancing, or to a movie … if you'd prefer … although I have a feeling you'd be rather fond of dancing …" She added, her thumbs digging in to the blonde's thighs in emphasis.

Amanda found herself momentarily speechless. "I like dancing …" She squeaked.

For long minutes they stared at each other, partly out of disbelief. Amanda shivered, and Olivia felt it.

"Are you cold?"

"No."

"Oh …"

Liv's eyes searched for any indication that it was the wrong thing to do. Sure, they were co-workers, there were complications, hurdles, reams of red-tape to get past. Rollins was younger than her by some way, yet maybe she was finally mature enough to handle that, an actual relationship, with someone actually good for her. Blue eyes stared back, pleading; the messy hair, floury hands and yellowish-green lump on the side of her forehead did nothing to detract away from her beauty. Beneath her hands Liv had felt strong lean muscles, a fit body – well exercised and well cared for, just as she would have expected. Her mind began to drift, imagining those same muscles covered in a thin sheen of sweat, those blue eyes black, and those strong lean thighs that were beneath her hands – wrapped around her waist instead.

"Oh Fuck …" It came from her lips in an escaped whisper, and Rollins stared back at her, amused.

Watching Liv fumble, let go of her steely composure and slowly unravel, was surprisingly enjoyable.

"Tell me what you're thinking Liv?"

Olivia grinned, her bravado finally returning. "I'd much rather show you?"

* * *

Time was once she would have picked the blonde up off the countertop, legs wrapped around her waist, and carried her through to the bedroom, slammed her down onto the bed and taken her. Instead she slid Amanda delicately down, curling their fingers together as she led the way slowly, not stopping until they were stood facing each other beside the bed.

"Your call Liv …" The blonde said softly.

Olivia loved her for it, that silent acknowledgement that she would yield to the older detective's pace. But Liv had assurances of her own to find, things she had to be certain of.

She stepped closer, wrapping one hand around the injured side of Amanda's face, her thumb sweeping softly below the bruised part. She stared at it, before following the path of her thumb with a soft and delicate kiss.

"Don't worry about it." Amanda reassured, "I'm fine."

Liv leant closer still, holding the blonde against her; she spoke softly into the shell of her ear. "That's not what I'm worried about."

Amanda's shoulders slumped, regretful of her response the other night. She couldn't imagine feeling safer, more loved – standing in Olivia's arms, their two scents mingled together with a mixture of arousal and baking aromas from the flour trails in Liv's hair. Internally she wanted it, craved it, felt almost as if she might die right then and there if she didn't get to experience it. Yet for some reason, outwardly, her body language didn't seem so sure.

"We don't have to do this?" Olivia reassured, concerned by the blonde's silence.

She shut her eyes and shook her head against Olivia's neck. "I want to … it's just …"

Liv pulled her back, staring into fiery slate-grey eyes, loving the way Amanda's irises changed colour in accordance with how she was feeling. Grey meant passion. "It's okay …" Liv said softly, "Then let me help you?"

Amanda sighed. "You've said that before."

"And I meant it." Liv was quick to respond, sure and strong. "I was scared Amanda, terrified … I'm not afraid to admit that." She added. "I've never found relationships particularly easy … especially when it comes to something that I know I really want."

Amanda's lips quirked into a light smile. "Is that what this is? A relationship?"

Liv mulled over her next words for a few moments, drawing the blonde to her again. She ran flat palms up and down the younger detective's back, coming to rest softly at the lower curve of her spine as she brought their bodies flush together.

"I know that if I sleep with you once I'm going to want to do it again." She husked, hot, wet breath tickling the blonde's ear. "So I need you to tell me if that's something that you think you want …?"

The blonde's knees trembled and threatened to buckle, Liv's hold on her firm. There's something you don't hear every day, Olivia Benson asking if she fucks you will you come back for more?

She turned around in Olivia's embrace, needing that little bit of confidence that eye contact would ruin. With her back to the brunette, strong arms still wrapped around her waist, she brought her hands up and began to unbutton the front of her tartan pj's – nothing really sexy about them so might as well take them off?

Before she could get any further than the first couple of buttons, Liv's hands crept up, softly cupping her own, ceasing their motions.

"Why do you always turn away?" Liv questioned, heavy arousal seeping into her voice. She felt the blonde stiffen, her armour visibly repairing. As much as she wanted it, could literally picture it – that expanse of golden sun-kissed skin, laid out bare beneath her like a gift just waiting to be explored, she'd made a promise to not fuck this up. "Amanda?"

"What is it that you want from me Liv?" Exasperation coated every vowel. Rollins swallowed the warring tide of emotions, the eternal stop – and go, which plagued many a previous relationship. The internal monologue that told her she wasn't worthy of Olivia's time or care, but that her sexual advances were to be expected.

Liv didn't want that, she wanted all of the blonde, not just a part of her. She let go and turned, beginning to steadily pace the floor behind where Rollins stood.

They could fuck, but that's all it would be. She'd felt the atmosphere change, gone was the transparent carefree woman who'd been practically skipping about her kitchen, up to her elbows in flour and dough. This felt … wrong, like pretence. She craved to see the other woman's eyes, needing to understand why she'd felt the need to disappear back behind the wall.

Rollins didn't move, anger slowly building within her, mostly at herself – but like every good addict it would wind up being externalised in some way sooner or later. 4am being the worst time ever to start something and then not finish it. She felt disappointed, angry, betrayed and aroused all at the same time, her cheeks flushed and her pulse thready. Damn Olivia, how dare she turn her down?

"You're unbelievable, you know that?" Like a flash she whipped around, piercing blue eyes narrowed and focussed in on their target. "You want me … and then you don't … you kiss me and then the second I agree to _do-what-you-want_ … suddenly I'm not good enough for you anymore, is that it?"

Liv allowed the tirade to simply wash over her, barely registering its content. Truth be told, Amanda 'on fire' was preferable to the detached and impersonal shell who was ready to sleep with her just moments before. "Don't you see?" Liv turned her palms out, holding herself open – both literally and metaphorically. "I don't want you to do what 'I' want, I want you to do what 'you' want …"

Rollins blinked, suddenly frozen stiff. Every fibre of her being told her to run but her feet wouldn't move, imprisoned by her own insecurities.

She thought about her confession to Olivia at the hospital, how she'd not wanted the brunette to call her mother or her sister. She felt horrible, for wishing that her own family could be better – when Olivia had none. A single silvery droplet escaped and ran down her cheek and the next second Liv stepped forward to catch it, sweeping it up with her thumb.

Liv stared into her eyes, and Amanda went to pull away – feeling naked and vulnerable, but Liv's firm hold of her chin stopped her. "Let me see you …" She pleaded.

Amanda fought to look away, needing to run, hide, quash the welling tears behind her eyes.

"Please … Amanda …?"

She blinked, and tears fell. No sobs, just quiet, salty, healing tears. Liv kissed her cheeks, peppering each one in turn with light, soft touches, the taste of them coating her lips.

"I'm afraid of what 'I' want …" Rollins whispered, she bent her head up slightly, meeting Olivia's lips. Her arms wrapped around the older woman's waist, their bodies falling into that same easy rhythm. "I'm afraid to trust myself …" She added on a pause, where further tears fell. "I'm afraid …"

Liv nodded, pouring everything she felt but didn't know how to put into words into their next kiss. She felt Amanda break beneath her, lips parting, silently accepting the soothing exploration of the brunette's tongue. Every movement meant to heal, restore and reinvigorate her belief in herself and the world around her. They kissed until Amanda's tears dried up, her cheeks tight and sore from the moisture. Liv's hand cradled the back of her head, fingers tousled in soft silken strands. The blonde's fingers were bunched into the material of Liv's top, writhing slightly in time to the gentle teasing of their tongues. Finally starved of oxygen, Liv broke the kiss and pulled away, her forehead resting against Amanda's uninjured side.

When she finally recovered enough to open her eyes, the clearest blue orbs were looking back at her. She dipped her mouth to capture the blonde's bottom lip between her teeth, softly pulling before letting it go with a pop as she watched cobalt blue turn to jet black. She kissed her again, fiercely taking ownership.

"There you are …"

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**and there y'all go, like? **

**Reviews loved and appreciated as always :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N – Hello lovely readers! This is the last of the really heavy chapters for a little bit I swear, prepare for some proper fluffy smutty goodness coming up. And, just to continue the thinly veiled self promotion thing I've got going on here in this author's note … I'm also working on an Alex/Olivia Xmas one-shot which will be set in Hawaii, so be on the look out for that one!**

**Your reviews are awesome they are like food for the writers soul!**

**Same disclaimers apply …**

* * *

After their kisses died down, Amanda's tears finally subsiding, the question of _'where do we go from here?'_ hung heavily in the air between them both.

Liv kissed her again, hard, using her height to push the younger woman to sit on the edge of the bed. They were both apprehensive, aware of everything left unsaid between them. Liv ran her fingers through Amanda's hair, releasing the ponytail. She pulled Amanda's head against her stomach, the pads of her fingers caressing the tense erogenous spots on the back of the blonde's neck.

Amanda moaned, loudly, and just thinking about it made her want to moan just as loud all over again. The mere thought of what Olivia's fingers could do to her.

They lay next to each other on top of the brunette's bed, Liv on her side – facing Amanda, the blonde on her back – staring at the ceiling. Liv was beginning to understand that Amanda's difficulty with eye contact had little to do with her, and everything to do with what Amanda worried she might find in the reflection of herself in the other woman's eyes.

The frightening thought that others might see her as she unfortunately saw herself; reasonably good at her job but pretty much a failure at everything else. With a weakness for losing herself in anything that would allow it, alcohol, running, women or gambling.

The latter being the most contemptible of all.

"Tell me how it started?" Olivia asked, sensing the internal struggle. When the blonde didn't respond she tried again, "Mand …?" Tiredness made her drop the vowels, but Amanda's dislike of it didn't go unnoticed. "What?" She asked, curiously.

Amanda glanced at her, and then looked away again. Liv was curled against her side, one hand tucked neatly beneath her head, the other – its fingers laced comfortingly with the blonde's upon her stomach. It was already far more intimate than she'd been with anyone in a long time.

"Don't worry about it." Amanda grumbled. "Just my Dad used to call me that …"

Olivia didn't respond, waiting, knowing that with every second that passed by - Amanda's reluctance to be open with her would lessen. The sun would rise in an hour or so, casting a bright white light into the apartment from the reflection upon freshly fallen snow; just another blanket, covering secrets beneath.

Amanda sat up and tugged at the eiderdown across the bottom of the bed, pulling it up to cover the lower half of both their bodies. Her head and her heart ached, Olivia's softness and beauty too much to bear.

"Liv …"

It came out like the start of something no one ever wants to hear: the 'it's not you it's me', the 'I like you but …', the 'I'm just getting over something … it's not the right time'.

Liv's head snapped up, arm raised onto her elbow, she stared at the blonde before saying only one simple word. "Don't." She shook her head slowly, and then settled back down again, her grip upon the blonde's hand firmer.

Rollins sighed; Liv felt the way her chest rose and her abdomen drew in, letting out a long, slow, heavy breath.

"What is it you want to know?" Rollins asked, returning to Liv's earlier question.

"I want to know why." Liv said simply. She felt a sense of relief as Amanda's defences fell away. "I want to understand."

Amanda thought about the strangers she met with every week, twice sometimes, if it was a particularly rough one. A meeting of minds of twenty-or-so flawed individuals, each one seeking acceptance in a world where our weakness leaves us open to attack.

"I don't know how to explain it." Amanda replied honestly. She didn't, how do you explain a compulsion to do something every brain cell in your mind screams out is a bad idea?

"Then just tell me how it started?" Liv suggested softly, desperately trying to be let in.

Rollins took another deep breath, drawing their joined hands up to kiss Liv's fingers softly, each one in turn …

_everyone, _

_needs someone, _

_sometimes. _

"I didn't think it was a big deal." She began quietly, afraid to speak too loud in case that made it more real. "The occasional bet on a game down at the bar …" She turned to face Olivia. "When I left Atlanta, I left everything behind, my old partner, my family, the guys I used to hang with on rare weekends off, hook-ups …"

Liv smiled softly.

"When I landed in New York it was like time outside of work stood still … every minute was like ten, every hour like a day." She paused. "I tried joining a gym but the only times I ever went it was closed, running helped, but the options were – to sit at home going over and over in my mind all the reasons why I left Atlanta, my sister's latest bust up with Jeff, not being able to support my Mom through helping her … or go to the bar and chase a couple of beers talking ball with the guys. They liked me there …" She added. "I just hadn't figured out yet they liked my willingness to lay a bet down even more."

Liv edged herself closer, drawing her head up to nestle into the blonde's shoulder.

"Go on …" She encouraged.

"Are you sure you wanna hear this Liv?" Rollins drawled, the hesitation in her voice palpable. She thought hard before continuing, "I mean … after your Mom … and all …"

"Yes." Liv's reply was short, but not curt, as if assuring them both. "I need to hear it."

"One time, after the Dexter case, I was still there at gone 2am when they were closing. They asked me if I really wanted to go home and my answer, of course, was no."

Liv clutched her hand slightly tighter, understanding the earth-shattering silence of loneliness after a particularly gruelling case.

"We ended up betting on a hockey game till 4 in the morning, I left two-hundred bucks down, and Murphy was waiting for me, told me he knew a way I could easily double my money back …"

Liv held back the urge inside to immediately question the blonde, ask her what on earth she was thinking, falling for that so easily. She held back, not that it mattered, Amanda already asked herself that exact same question, too many times to remember.

"I know what you're thinking." Amanda continued. "I've thought the same … asked myself the same …" She paused for a moment, before turning on her side to face Liv, their bodies just millimetres apart. "I don't think I 'can' explain it …" She went on.

Liv broke their touch, bringing her fingers up to lightly caress the blonde's cheek. She seemed younger, maybe it was the bump, the dark circles beneath her eyes, or the vulnerability in her voice as she spoke of demons unwittingly taking her over.

"I said no … at first, but I was already hooked on the rush." She paused, generally cautious about continuing as the next step involved Olivia, not that she'd have known it. She took Liv's hand from her face and rolled the brunette onto her back, covering half the brunette's body with her own. She cupped Olivia's face, staring so long that for once it was Olivia who shifted uncomfortably. "We fought …" She whispered softly, "And I knew as soon as my feet hit the precinct steps I'd be going there and not going home … it's like a drug …" She mumbled, burying her head against Olivia's chest.

Liv soothed her hair, as Amanda lifted up, resting her head on her hand. She bent forwards, easing the churning in the pit of her stomach with a gentle touch of the brunette's lips against her own.

"I don't want you to do it anymore." Liv said, braving the absence of her opinion up until this point.

Rollins paused a beat, simply looking. Olivia's eyes were full of compassion and care, her simple ask borne out of needing reassurance that Amanda wouldn't continue to take that road.

"I don't want to either …"Rollins whispered, "But … I'm afraid … what if I …" Her voice trailed off, too scared to give voice to the words.

Liv shuffled beneath her, working her way out from beneath Amanda's grasp, she stood beside the bed – holding her arm out for the blonde to join her.

"What?" Amanda looked at her, confused; surely they were working their way to being 'on' the bed, not 'off' it.

Liv said nothing, just gestured for Amanda to get up and join her. When they were both standing, Olivia walked them towards the full-length mirror in the corner of the room, positioning Rollins in front of it.

Amanda caught a glimpse of herself, and didn't particularly like what she saw. Then she saw Olivia looking over her shoulder and relaxed, as the brunette's arms snaked around her waist.

"I believe in you." Liv said gently. She kissed the bare patch of skin in the open collar of Amanda's pyjama top. "You're not afraid of all the bad guys out there we deal with every day, so you've no reason to be afraid of yourself." Amanda focussed on the feather light kisses, peppering her skin. "You're kind, courageous," Liv's fingers edged beneath heavy fabric, circling the bare skin of the blonde's waist. "determined and passionate … strong." Liv added, as Amanda's head dropped back against her, eyes fluttering closed. "Open your eyes …" Liv instructed.

The blonde's eyes opened, catching the emergence of Liv's hands as she began slowly unbuttoning from bottom to top.

"So beautiful …" Liv muttered, lost in the view before her.

A single tear escaped and made it's way down Rollins' cheek. She cried, not out of fear, pain or pity, but out of the knowledge that for the first time in a long time – someone had really looked.

And as Liv slowly stripped her of her clothes, pausing with each uncovering to explore newly discovered flesh with her lips, Amanda shed quiet tears like raindrops.

She'd known it from the moment they met, Olivia Benson would be the death of her …

* * *

**Reviews are love! So gimme some **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N – don't say I don't give y'all anything, so if you like, show me some love in the review box at the end!**

**Rating gone up to an M, just saying….**

**Same disclaimers as before ….**

**Oh and don't worry bout the start, you've not missed anything**

* * *

"Oh …"

Amanda lay naked beneath Olivia, a sudden and overwhelming urge to laugh was suppressed somewhere deep within her chest.

It wasn't right to burst into a fit of giggles immediately after someone gave you the most incredible orgasm of your life, but that's what she felt like. It left her surprised and speechless, only able to come up with the occasional,

"Oh …"

Liv stared at her; forehead covered in tiny beads of sweat, rosy lips parted and taking in huge lungfuls of air. She fought against the urge to close her eyes and give in to the rush of endorphins coursing round her system, blindly flailing as if still disconnected from the earth.

"You okay there?" Liv asked, her fingers still buried deep inside the blonde.

Rollins seemed to find her voice long enough to string two words together. "Oh … yeaaaaaaah …"

Liv smiled, and their eyes danced around, finally connecting with each other. In the minutes that followed Liv learnt more about the naked woman lain beneath her than she felt she had in the year they worked alongside each other. Understanding her need to appear strong to the world beyond, whilst similarly seeking an ally with whom it was acceptable to show fragility.

"I like you like this …" Olivia gushed, suddenly overcome with the urge to tell the blonde how she really felt about her, lest the moment be broken and the spell removed. "I like it when you let me see you … see who you really are …"

Amanda nodded, vacantly; she moved her lips as if planning to speak but found the words she longed for just weren't there.

Liv wanted to laugh, cruel as it might appear. "Amanda Rollins, I do believe I've rendered you speechless!"

Her light teasing sparked another wave of arousal inside the blonde, stoked by the gentle rub of fingertips against her inner walls. Unlike their first round which was reverent almost, full of soft gentle caresses and not a smirk or sense-of-hunour in sight. Liv's eyes sparkled as she began moving her fingers to a slow steady rhythm, watching as Amanda's head tensed back against the bed and her eyes involuntarily slammed shut.

"Oh fuck Liv … there …"

Liv braced herself upon her elbow, dipping her head to suck and mark the smooth column of Amanda's throat. Long gone was the deep purple bite mark she'd left on her 'that night' at the blonde's apartment. The thought of it shifted her focus for a second or two and she paused, pulling back to make sure the woman beneath her was the one she'd had writhing in ecstasy minutes earlier – and not the one who'd shied away from her afraid.

Would that always be with them, the idea that she'd overstepped the mark before there was even a mark put there to step over?

Suddenly seeking reassurance, Liv brought her mouth up to Amanda's ear, speaking softly through ragged breaths of her own desperate need. "I want to make you come so hard …" Liv pleaded, "Tell me what to do …?"

Rollins struggled to sort through the many sensations; Liv's fingers deep inside her, stroking and curling at an almost torturously slow pace against her already swollen and sensitive flesh. She was wet, so wet that she lacked friction and would've ground her pelvis up against Liv's hand were it not for the brunette's body pinning her to the bed. She liked the feeling of being trapped there, held down, fully at the mercy of the woman who was kissing and biting along her jaw line, asking her what she needed, what she wanted her to do to help her get off.

It was about sex, not love - there'd be enough time for making love later. This was about both of them satisfying a need that hadn't be touched or looked at by another for some time.

"Harder …" Rollins whispered, almost afraid to say it, almost afraid of how the brunette would respond.

Liv paused a beat to look at her, face contorted with need, feet and ankles fighting to gain leverage further down the bed, her orgasm hanging just tantalisingly out of reach.

"You're sure?"

Rollins nodded, emphatically. She bit hard onto her own bottom lip; a move she'd already learnt drew out weakness in the older brunette.

"I don't want to hurt you …" Liv stated, for clarification. She'd no intention of ever hurting her again.

"Fucks-sake Liv …" Amanda growled, her countenance taking on a look of pure unadulterated lust and desire. "Fuck me …"

Not needing to be told once, let alone twice, Liv picked up the pace of her thrusts between the blonde's legs. She shifted to the side, giving her more room to use her thumb to swipe lightly over Amanda's clit, never quite enough to bring her over the edge. With her mouth she teased a nipple, sucking and biting softly, just enough to add an accent of discomfort to heighten her arousal. It worked, Amanda's hips began to raise from the bed, meeting every movement of the brunette's hand as she slammed against her, harder and faster and harder and faster until there was a snap of stillness and Amanda stiffened, her tension matched by a perfectly timed firm rub of Olivia's thumb against her clit and the bite of her teeth over a sore nipple. Her jaw clenched, her body raised and a silent scream escaped her lips, a million shudders leaving her body as she grasped onto Olivia for dear life.

They both collapsed, panting, onto the bed. Amanda shivered in the cool air of the early morning, so Liv reached for the eiderdown and pulled it up and around them, holding the blonde's spent body against her.

"Incredible …" Rollins mumbled, thoroughly sex drunk.

She'd known that it would be, of course, but somehow nothing she'd imagined or envisaged could quite measure up to the real visual of Olivia's beautiful face staring down at her as she fucked her senseless, twice.

If she'd had more than half a brain cell left functioning in her preoccupied mind she'd have been focussing on how to ever compare or measure up, how to even begin to think about pleasuring the sex-goddess back.

As it was, she fell asleep instead.

* * *

It was late morning by the time Amanda woke. The apartment was warm and smelled like coffee and pastries and for a split second the blonde wondered if her bachelor detective had learnt to cook in the hours whilst she slept.

It made her chuckle, brightly drawing herself into a sitting up position just as the bedroom door was kicked open gracefully and Olivia entered carrying a tray full of delicious breakfast treats. She placed it across Amanda's lap, leaning in to greet her with a gentle morning kiss. Amanda smiled bashfully, a little embarrassed in the harsh light of day to be the one fully naked when it seemed Liv had gotten dressed.

Sensing the disapproving way the blonde appraised her clothes Olivia rushed to defend herself. "I had to go out and get groceries." She stated softly, "As you said yourself, my refrigerator contains nothing but mould …"

Amanda patted the bed beside her for the brunette to join. "What have we got?" She asked, looking over the contents of the tray. "Bagels … mmm, and cream cheese, nice." She opened the brown paper bag, which was turned over at the top. "Donuts … _ha ha_ Liv ….!"

Olivia chuckled. "Breakfast of champions as Munch would say."

"I won't say no though." Rollins admitted, starting with a chocolate glazed donut. "I'm starved."

Liv took a poppy seed bagel and began smothering it in cream cheese, wondering who'd be the first to go there. "I'm not surprised!" She teased.

Amanda glared at her sideways, torn between turning on the brunette, offended, and covering her head with the bed sheet in embarrassment. Instead she stuck out her tongue on impulse, not really thinking through how that in itself could be misconstrued.

Seconds later they were both laughing hysterically, Liv had tears rolling down her cheeks as she attempted to swallow what she'd put in her mouth without choking. The laughter stopped as abruptly as it began and the mood changed, both women staring at each other intently, simply drinking in the other's presence.

"Last night was pretty intense." Liv stated softly, desperately trying not to over sell it.

Amanda nodded. "It was also pretty amazing …" She added quietly, avoiding Olivia's gaze as she did so. "I'm sorry I fell asleep on you …"

Liv leant across and kissed her cheek, "S'ok …"

"I'll make it up to you …" Rollins purred, turning her face in towards the brunette's.

They leant into each other, cheek to cheek, deeply inhaling the unique scent of the other. Liv felt the barely-settled burning in the pit of her stomach start to ignite and return; threatening to overwhelm the recuperating day she had planned.

"Later …" Olivia said softly, she captured Amanda's lips and began kissing her slowly, seeking entrance with her tongue as she gently explored the younger woman's mouth, delighting in the muted moan it brought forth. "Right now … you need to rest …"

Amanda pulled away and began to pout, kissed by Olivia until it turned into a smile again. "I'm all better …" She insisted, coyly allowing the sheet around her body to fall down a little to her waist.

"Not gonna work …" Liv insisted, more to convince herself. "I've been given the day off to look after you, so that's exactly what I'm gonna do, but …" She paused, taking a moment to drag her index finger down through the valley between Amanda's pert breasts, before disobediently circling her left nipple. "If you're good, then I'll take you out to dinner tonight."

It was phrased like an offer, but Amanda knew it was really an ask.

"Why, detective Olivia Benson, are you asking me out on a date?"

Olivia threw back her head and chuckled. "Yes …" She replied, still laughing. "Yes … I am."

* * *

**R&R … pretty please?**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N – I finished this chapter whilst watching the news of the shooting today in the states. So incredibly sad, I'm not going to cheapen what happened by trying to say anything meaningful about it, except that life is short and whoever you are if you're reading this – hold your loved ones tight and your children even tighter. **

**Same disclaimers apply …**

* * *

After breakfast in bed, and a little light kissing which Amanda tried desperately to turn heavier and the brunette worked hard to keep innocent, the blonde reluctantly retired to Olivia's guest room to shower and change, taking Olivia's bed sheet with her. Liv chuckled to herself as the younger women flounced out of the room, a not so subtle pout worn upon her face.

God she could be almost insufferably cute.

By the time Amanda reappeared, wearing fresh clothes and smelling like the expensive shower gel Alex had bought Olivia for Christmas the year before – which she hardly ever used, the brunette had arranged the couch into a perfect respite spot for someone recovering from a head injury.

"Really Liv …" Rollins took in the scene: extra cushions, a blanket, the remote and a glass of water with painkillers right beside it. "I'm telling you, I'm fine."

Liv met her and ushered her to the couch. "Sssh … just sit."

"So, what?" Amanda lowered herself down and allowed the brunette to place her feet up on the footstool. "I'm expected to just sit here and do nothing all day?"

Liv smiled and sat down beside her, picking up the remote and hitting play. In the DVD player was one of her all time favourite movies, 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'. "Yes …" She replied. "If you want to go out later you do."

Rollins huffed slightly, but settled back against the arrangement of cushions. After about ten minutes she reached across and took two of the painkillers Liv had left out for her, as she sat back she leant closer to Liv – resting her head upon the brunette's shoulder. Halfway through the movie Liv glanced down, seeing that the blonde had fallen fast asleep, her breaths deepening and evening out.

It was a picture of contentment the older detective hadn't seen herself having in a long time, someone to curl beside on the couch when nights are cold, a person to take care of you when you're sick, hold your hand when you're scared and tell you they believe in you when it feels like the rest of the world is on your back.

When the movie credits rolled, Olivia slid herself free from Amanda and lay the blonde down gently on the couch, covering her with the blanket so she wouldn't get cold as she slept. She slipped quietly into her bedroom, pausing a moment just inside the door to allow a memory of the previous night to wash over her, the blonde naked and writhing beneath her, begging for release. If there was ever a moment she expected to have doubts that was it, alone with her thoughts and the worry of the unspoken line they'd both crossed circling the recesses of her mind. Instead there was nothing, except for the gentle tingling of her skin, hot prickling waves of heat as she remembered what it felt like to be so alive.

* * *

At five, Fin called by to drop off a bag of Amanda's stuff from her apartment, just a few things she'd text and asked him to get for her, assuming that wherever Olivia took her for dinner the dress code would be a step up from sweats and a Falcons jersey.

He was met at Olivia's front door by the brunette wearing figure hugging jeans and a nice black top which worked well at showing off her best assets. Fin bit back the urge to wolf-whistle, opting instead for a huge grin as Liv stepped aside and allowed him to come in.

"Amanda's in the bath." She said, taking the bag and setting it down on the countertop.

"How's she doing?" Fin asked, concerned for the blonde as he would be for Liv, had she been the one who'd gotten hurt, he looked out for them both like sisters. "She took a pretty good whack." He paused, adding quietly. "I was worried."

Liv smiled and touched his arm softly. "She's really fine …" She assured. "Hence why I'm taking her out this evening, if I keep her cooped up in here any longer I think she might turn feral on me …"

Fin's eyes twinkled at her choice of words, but he knew better than to push her too hard. Liv in a burgeoning relationship was like a baby foal, liable to bolt at any moment if cornered or challenged. He made a mental note to tell Rollins the very same next time he got her on her own.

"Well, give her my best." He said, briefly hugging the brunette before he left. He thought she hugged him harder than usual, as if thanking him for his unsaid acceptance.

"Thanks Fin, I'll see you tomorrow."

She took the bag through to the guest room, placing it on the spare bed, before walking into her own bedroom and speaking through the open door to the bathroom.

"Fin brought your stuff by, he said hi."

"Oh, I thought I heard something …" Amanda said, stirring out of the warm water, she'd been about ready to nod off. "Shame I missed him, is he okay?"

Liv hovered in the bedroom, not sure what the protocol was for intruding on the blonde's bathtime. "He's fine, yeah, asked after you … I told him you were driving me nuts so I'm taking you out …"

Her glibness and reluctance to join her in the bathroom unnerved Amanda. "Liv … everything okay?"

Liv paused a beat. "Yep … fine." Suddenly speaking through the wall either side of a wide open door seemed ridiculous and she got off her bed, stepping warily into the bathroom.

Amanda was staring at the doorway, just waiting for her to appear. "You can come in Liv, you've seen me naked before …"

Olivia smiled shyly, walking over to sit on the edge of the tub. "How're you feeling?"

"Like I'm looking forward to going out with you tonight." If the brunette was going to do this, behave like they'd not shared such an intimate encounter, she was damn sure going to make it tricky for her.

"Good." Liv brushed wet strands of hair from Amanda's face, then, catching her by surprise, she leant in and captured wet lips in a heated kiss – wrapping her hand around the back of the blonde's head as she drew her towards her, deepening the kiss in a fierce refusal to let go. When she did pull back, Amanda's eyes stayed closed for a couple of seconds, her breathing shallow and her lips parted, missing the warmth and contact of Olivia's lips just moments before.

"Wow …"

Liv chuckled, "Yeah, wow …" She kissed her again, softer this time, less demanding, and meant to show promise of what their evening together held. As they parted, she let her fingers trail the length of the blonde's arm, briefly linking their fingers as she brushed her thumb into Amanda's wet palm – their eyes locked into a world that existed only in that moment, only in that place.

* * *

They dressed separately, each needing the time to gather thoughts, prepare and postpone the growing heat between them which would likely ensure they never made it out to dinner reservations at all. As Amanda dressed in tight black pants, a silvery grey shirt and a blazer, she wondered briefly if her attire was too 'butch' and would scare the brunette off. Liv changed her outfit a number of times, finally coming to rest on her favourite pair of skinny jeans she knew looked excellent on her ass, and a sexy blouse – with fuck-me underwear encased beneath. She paired it off with brown leather knee-high boots and her favourite camel coat, briefly pausing to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror, "Not bad."

Not bad was hardly the description Rollins would have used, she felt her pulse rate shoot sky high the second Liv strode into the lounge, free flowing chestnut curls tamed in a loose up-do and just the barest hint of make-up and perfume, she looked truly beautiful.

"You look amazing …" Rollins stammered, not too sure where her usually suave and sophisticated demeanour had disappeared to.

Liv grinned and met her half way, slipping her hands onto the blonde's hips she felt the tightness of her pants, her trim waist, dainty belt and the firmness of her abs beneath. Half of her wondered why they were even bothering with dinner. Then she leant her head back and looked at Rollins shyly waiting to be appraised, nervous about the way she looked, the way she was dressed.

"You. look. good. enough. to. eat." Liv accentuated, each word mouthed slowly, her eyes never leaving the blonde's as she stood close enough for her breath to ghost the other woman's face.

Amanda blushed furiously, immediately averting her gaze – then she remembered Olivia's comments about eye contact and looked back, seeing nothing but unadulterated want and admiration staring back at her.

"Shall we go?" Olivia asked, offering her hand.

Rollins nodded, not sure why suddenly she felt like she was stepping out into the abyss.

* * *

They ate Italian at a quiet little restaurant a few blocks from Olivia's apartment, sitting across from each other over a small table with a red checked tablecloth and a small vase of pale blue flowers. They made small talk, laughing about Munch's conspiracy theories, Fin's over protectiveness and the fact that they both felt for Amaro like a little brother, his marriage yet another casualty of life as a cop. It brought them around to the unspoken ill ease of embarking upon a co-worker relationship and Rollins bravely said what Olivia was far too afraid to.

"Are we crazy?" She asked softly, setting down her spoon upon the plate of Sicilian lemon cheesecake they were jointly sharing. "Doing this?"

Liv pulled her spoon slowly from her mouth, savouring the sharp tang of the lemon and the creamy goodness of the cheesecake. She turned it over and let her tongue thoroughly clean the inside, all the while watching as Amanda's eyes widened, her lips subtly parting as if mirroring the action of Liv's mouth around the lucky spoon.

"Jesus Christ Liv …"

The brunette chuckled, devilish eyes dancing with pure delight, maybe it 'was' wrong, and maybe there'd be repercussions to deal with later – but right now, right here, she couldn't call to mind any that were enough to stop her from doing what she was about to do.

She dropped her hand to the table and slid it across, gently caressing the blonde's forearm, all thoughts of dessert – food anyway – suddenly forgotten.

"Shall we go?"

Amanda nodded, silently.

* * *

They paid hastily, and walked hand in hand the short walk back to Olivia's apartment. Once inside, Amanda shed her jacket and rolled up the sleeves of her shirt, turning around to face the brunette as she stood leaning against the kitchen wall. She approached, tucking her hands beneath the older woman's coat before slipping it gracefully from her shoulders. She hung Olivia's coat on a hook beside the door then turned back, holding her hand out, waiting for Liv to accept. When she did, the blonde walked her over to the couch, urging her to sit. It was a little odd, being as it was Olivia's apartment and all.

Liv sat in the middle of the couch, watching, Amanda leant down – bracing her weight against the back of the couch as she kissed the brunette softly. "Wait here …" She instructed.

Then she disappeared, moving into the kitchen, rooting around in the fridge as Olivia simply watched, intrigued. She heard the ping of the microwave, the chink of glasses knocking together and Amanda reappeared, carrying Prosecco and a quart of strawberries – she set them down and then went back to get the glasses and a small bowl of melted chocolate.

Liv grinned as everything was set down in front of her on the coffee table. "I had chocolate? … damn, wish I'd known that last week!"

"Good stuff too …" Rollins noted, moving to sit across the brunette's lap. She poured two glasses of Prosecco and pulled the coffee table a little closer, before turning around and straddling Olivia, bringing their bodies flush together. She took a strawberry and dipped it into her glass, holding it by the stalk and bringing it up to the brunette's lips for her to taste. "I'm glad you bought strawberries this morning …" She added. "Good thinking detective …"

Liv's lips wrapped around the red berry, seductively taking it into her mouth and chewing painfully slowly. "Delicious …" She whispered, her hands settling upon Rollins firm ass.

Rollins dipped another one, and another, occasionally eating one herself. After a few minutes she gave Liv the wine, both of them watching the other as they sipped quietly.

After a couple of minutes of intense silence, Liv's eyes darted noticeably to the small pot of cooling molten chocolate.

Amanda leant into her, bringing her lips up against the brunette's ear. "I have plans for the chocolate …" She whispered, words interspersed with kisses against the brunette's cheek. "They involve you naked, so since your couch is cream maybe we should take this to the bedroom …?"

Liv's eyes widened, despite her arousal she couldn't resist a little light teasing. "Um … my sheets are cream too …?"

Rollins rolled her eyes and a loud grumble escaped from the back of her throat. "I'll buy you new sheets Liv …!"

* * *

**Thanks **


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N – apologies, apologies and more apologies, I haven't abandoned this story I've just had (well still have …) the flu **** And I mean proper, cant get out of bed, can't eat or drink, some really nasty patient gave me this flu, flu! (j/k) but anyway, I'm finally able to sit upright for more than about half an hour so regularly scheduled posting shall resume, though perhaps at a slightly slower pace for the next day or two. Hope you're all well, in the interests of shameless manipulation of the fact I am sick I would *absolutely love* to hear what y'all think!**

**Same disclaimers apply …**

* * *

They kissed for a while longer on the couch, hands gradually venturing to explore different avenues of skin. Liv slid her fingers beneath the back of the blonde's shirt, feeling the firmness of tight muscles overlying her spine. Rollins bowed her body in response to the brunette's touch, the action pushing her pelvis into Liv's groin, causing them both to moan out.

"Bedroom …" Rollins rasped, her voice lower and her accent thicker than Liv thought she'd ever heard it. She kissed the brunette with one fierce and passionate last kiss before jumping off her lap and stepping back to admire her handiwork.

The sight before her caused a sudden swell of emotions deep within her chest, Olivia sat back against the couch, her arms open wide from where she'd held onto the blonde just moments before. He hair mused, her brown eyes dark and stormy, and her half undone blouse revealing tantalising cleavage that rose and fell rapidly with sharp shallow breaths. It was all encouraging, but perhaps the most encouraging thing of all was the soft smile twitching on her lips, signalling happiness, and peace.

Amanda held out her hand and Olivia took it, willingly.

In the bedroom, Amanda stood in front of her, slowly divesting the brunette of her clothes. She pushed her to the bed, crouching to remove knee high leather boots, Liv's hands in her hair as she did so. The simple act made her imagine those same hands running through her hair, tugging hard, fisting and directing as the blonde's mouth went to work on her body, driving her forwards. Boots off, Amanda rose, pushing Liv back against the bed, she straddled her hips, running her palms flat down the brunette's toned abdomen.

"You're really gorgeous, you know?"

Liv blushed, and it seemed to travel from her cheeks all the way down to her chest, Amanda bent her head to kiss the tops of flushed breasts.

She said it again, "You are …"

Liv smiled, grasping the blonde's hips and she writhed around on top of her. "So are you."

The blonde deflected the comment away, this was going to be her night, her opportunity to make the older detective feel as desired and revered as she'd made her feel the night before.

"Hush Liv, this is about you …"

Olivia opened her mouth to speak, to protest, intending to claim that Amanda had no need to focus solely on her. Her lips were enveloped in a kiss before she could utter a single sound, Amanda's tongue roughly claiming ownership of her mouth. Liv moaned, feeling arousal she'd suppressed for nearly twenty-four hours begin stirring low in her belly. Then just like that Amanda was gone; she'd jumped off and disappeared out of the bedroom.

When she returned she was carrying the bowl of cooled melted chocolate from the lounge. Liv smiled at the way she sauntered in, a discernable swagger in her hips as she slowly stirred the dark glossy liquid in the bowl.

Liv leant up on her elbows, her top half naked apart from the dusky purple lace underwear she'd cherry picked earlier that evening. She watched as Amanda set the chocolate down upon the nightstand, then with her back to Olivia she began undressing. She'd shed her shirt and was slowly taking off her pants when she turned to face the brunette, eyes locking on to the dark orbs that were watching her intently from the bed. Beneath her clothes she wore simple, but attractive, black underwear, which stood out in stark contrast to the golden amber shimmer of her skin. Liv's mouth watered again at the sight of it and she began to rise from the bed, desperate to have a taste.

"Nuh … uh …" Rollins pushed her back down, straddling her middle this time. She moved her hands to the waistband of Olivia's jeans and began undoing her belt, roughly pushing the material from her hips.

Liv watched, and tried to negotiate. "No fair, you're going to let me look but not touch?"

Amanda got off the bed to pull off her jeans. "You can touch … just not yet …"

Her tough demeanour turned Olivia on, though she fought hard to resist admitting this to herself, the idea that the blonde taking charge of her like this, in the bedroom, made her wetter than ever before. She moaned, "Amanda … please?"

Rolling crawled back up her, their upper bodies touching, her legs bent either side of Olivia's hips where she lay on the bed, her own feet still touching the floor. "You can, however … beg." The blonde said softly, her breath hot and wet against Liv's ear.

Liv simply groaned, figuring anything else she could say at this point would be pretty much useless.

"Keep your hands there …" Rollins instructed, of Liv's hands lain back above her head. "Don't make me cuff you …"

It was meant as a light joke, but at her words Olivia's eyes widened, and beneath her Amanda felt the not so subtle lurch of the brunette's pelvis towards her own.

"Hmm … I'll remember that." She noted, filing it away in her mind that Liv was turned on by the idea of being cuffed and bound, tied-up perhaps? Her mind had inadvertently wandered to an image of Olivia motionless and naked and entirely at her mercy. It wasn't the idea of taking control that turned Amanda on, but more the notion that someday Olivia might trust her enough to willingly relinquish it.

She reached across to the nightstand and picked up the bowl of chocolate, setting it down beside her on the bed. Now cooled it more resembled the consistency of warm chocolate in a child's pocket on a hot summers day. She dipped her finger in and drew it out, watching as Olivia's gaze studied her every move. She drew her fingertip in a circle around the brunette's abdomen, marking her like a target, then offered Liv her fingertip to clean.

"Mmmmn …"

Rollins smirked. "I bet you taste better."

She dipped her head, and began cleaning up the mess she'd made with her tongue. Liv drew her body away from the bed, towards the younger woman's touch and as she did Amanda slid her hands beneath Olivia's back and deftly unhooked her bra, sitting back to slowly remove it. Dark puckered nipples rose into taut peaks beneath her stare, she immediately had the urge to paint them, and Olivia's entire body in chocolaty goodness before spending the next few hours cleaning her off.

"Unf …" Liv exhaled as Amanda's lips wrapped around her nipple, tongue dashing out to flicker and tease, drawing it roughly into her mouth before releasing with a loud pop. She simultaneously craved and feared the exact same thing happening to the other one.

When Amanda was satisfied there wasn't a single millimetre of the brunette's torso she'd not painted with chocolate and then licked clean she abandoned the bowl to the floor, returning to kiss the brunette's lips as she married together the dark sultry undertones of the chocolate with their own unique flavour. She sat back, her thumbs lightly tracing the undersides of Olivia's breasts as she tried desperately to read what the brunette was thinking.

"Tell me what you want?" She asked softly, using her thumbs to brush against the stiff and slightly sticky peaks.

Liv let out a low moan, her eyes rolling back in her head. "Whatever you want …" She replied, the standard response she gave every lover when they asked her the same inevitable question.

Amanda leant forwards, hands still cupping voluptuous breasts. "Tell me …" She instructed, adding, "Liv … please … I want to know …"

Her request met with silence when Olivia merely shrugged. Amanda lay herself flush on top of Liv's body, bringing herself around to whisper in her ear.

"Do you want it soft … slow?" With every word uttered she ran her hands lightly over the brunette's body, warming with her touch, "Hard … and fast?" she rolled her pelvis against Liv's belly, knowing that the older woman would feel arousal seeping through her panties. "Long … teasing … mouth … fingers …?" She paused, finally adding, "Tongue …?"

Liv's lips hung open, her mouth dry, the only moisture seemed to be pooling between her legs, accompanied by a growing throbbing and an ache she really needed the blonde to take care of, asap.

"Please …?" She begged, remembering that this was allowed. "Please … make love to me … I need you …"

The way in which she uttered it made Rollins pause for breath, such vulnerability laced in three simple words. Wasting no time, Amanda kissed her hard, her mouth claiming as her hands stroked, teased and slipped beneath the waistband of Liv's panties, sending them in the direction of the floor. Liv wriggled to help them off, her hands on the back of the blonde's head and shoulders, holding her close as they roughly kissed. Rollins left her and began to move south, sliding to her knees beside the bed she took hold of Olivia's left ankle and began kissing, making her way gradually up towards the small patch of nestled brown curls. She let the leg fall down onto her shoulder, bringing her palm up to anchor Liv's belly to the bed as she dipped her head for that first, soul-shattering taste.

"Fuck ….!"

Liv's head thrashed back against the bed, her toes curling in protest at the way Amanda's lips wrapped firmly around her swollen and sensitive clit, the sensation almost too much to bear. Amanda sucked hard and then released, soothing her path with slow, sensuous licks. She explored, tasted, listened and learnt, until she knew where the brunette's spots were that made her jump and twitch. Satisfied she'd worked Olivia into a writhing ball of goop she slid both hands under the brunette's ass and lifted, driving her tongue deep down inside her.

A string of expletives flew from Olivia's lips at the feeling of the blonde's tongue entering and swiftly filling her. She felt her inner walls try and grasp at the new intrusion, wanting to keep it, use it and rise it out onto her peak. Amanda thrust in and out of her a number of times, holding off when she felt the brunette's hips start to thrust erratically in counter rhythm. She withdrew her tongue, immediately replacing it with two fingers and gentle deep thrusts. Her tongue returned to Olivia's clit, wrapping it and caressing it in long languished strokes.

"Oh fuck …!" Liv mumbled, her orgasm fast approaching. "I'm gonna come," She warned. "I want to see you …"

Amanda slowed her thrusts and drew back, pausing for a brief second when the sight of her hand deep inside Olivia caused her to falter in disbelief. She pulled the brunette to sit up, urging her to wrap one leg around her waist as she straddled the other one, sat atop Liv's bent thigh. She wished she'd taken off her own underwear – then as if by reading her mind Liv wrapped her arms around the blonde and snapped off her bra, releasing nipples straining like bullets into the cool night air. Wishing there to be no barriers between them at all, Liv's eyes shot down to Amanda's functional black panties.

"Are these favourites?" She asked.

Rollins shook her head; the friction of her movements against Liv's thigh made her forget everything. "Not anymore," She gasped.

Seconds later they were ripped off and tossed aside. Liv clutched the back of Amanda's shoulders, matching the pace with which the blonde thrust between her legs. The position she was in made it hard to do anything to help herself along, and her leg was beginning to ache but she wouldn't have moved, couldn't have stopped if a meteor hit. Amanda studied the brunette's face, her brows furrowed in need, she drew her thumb around to swipe over her clit, and Olivia's head jerked forwards in ecstasy.

"Oh god Amanda … yes …!"

Their movements seemed to speed up and slow down all at the same time, for a few brief moments every muscle and every joint burned with the pain of overexertion and then there was bliss – intense, crashing heat as they both collapsed against each other, mouths blindly seeking out to kiss and taste and hazily reaffirm the moment just shared.

Liv flopped back against the bed and Amanda fell with her, landing on top, she ran her tongue across the older woman's jaw line, capturing her lips in a sensual kiss.

"That was incredible …" She gushed, feeling a mini shudder down her spine as she replayed the visuals inside her head.

Liv simply smiled at her, still too spent to speak.

"And you definitely taste better than chocolate …" Rollins drawled, tossing her leg back over Liv's body as she drew up above her, ready to start round two. "So … about these handcuffs …?"

* * *

**Reviews make my day **


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N – Thanks so much for all the well wishes and reviews, I'm glad you all enjoyed the last chapter. I'm not sure how many more there are going to be. Like I said a few chapters ago I've actually written the last one, now I'm just filling the spaces in between, I guess I'll keep going until people stop wanting to read or until I run out of ideas! **

**As always, reviews welcomed, I love to hear what you think **

**Same disclaimers apply ….**

* * *

Olivia arrived in work the following day eighteen minutes late. She'd never been late a day in her life and more often than not she was at least an hour or two early. It didn't go unnoticed, though none of her male colleagues milling about the bullpen would have dared to utter a word.

It could have had something to do with leaving a naked Amanda Rollins, asleep in her bed, with strict instructions to rest, recuperate and enjoy the fact she had another day off. Much to her surprise Olivia hadn't actually had to work that hard to convince the sleeping blonde to stay, she'd left her spread diagonally across the bed, her hair fanned out across the pillows and a serene smile upon her face. The image stayed with Olivia during the ride to work and was still present as Cragen called her into his office upon arrival.

"Detective …?"

She followed him in and closed the door behind her. "Cap?"

He gestured that she should sit, but the idea unnerved her so she chose to pace in front of his desk instead. He smiled at her; she always was his best detective, in part because she knew what was coming often before the one delivering the blow.

"I'm just checking in with you Liv …" He said, reassuringly. "How's Amanda doing?"

"She's good." Liv replied, stopping her pacing to stand in front of him, her hands on the back of the empty chair. "Back to her normal self I guess, itching to get back here …" She added, lying.

He smiled, "Good, work's piling up and we need her …" He paused, "And on that note, how are things between you two?" He looked her over, trying to read her response. "A few days ago you were barely speaking …"

Liv bowed her head, hoping that he wouldn't push her to disclose their carnal activities from the last couple of days. "We're fine …" She said softly. "You know how it gets sometimes, women rub each other up the wrong way."

"In that case I'd like you to stay partnered with Amaro." Cragen requested, drawing the conversation to a close. "You and Rollins work well together but I can't afford to keep playing swap the detectives … I trust you'll relay that to Rollins as well." He added, dismissing her with a fatherly smile.

She returned it warmly. "Yes Cap."

* * *

The rest of the day went rather slowly, catching up on the new case they'd caught whilst she was off looking after Amanda. She and Amaro were doing an interview in Washington Heights late in the afternoon when her phone buzzed several times inside her pocket. She checked it as they walked back to the car, their interrogation of the suspect's ex-girlfriend hadn't really brought any new leads and they were about ready to call it for the day.

She laughed to herself as she read the series of texts from a clearly bored Rollins. Accompanied by various pictures of baked goods, painted toenails and the blonde playing dead out of boredom.

"Something funny?" Amaro asked, as she tossed him the keys.

Liv looked up at him and smiled. "It's Amanda," She replied, showing him the picture of the blonde pretending to tie a noose out of Liv's dressing gown tie with the words 'I'm so bored' in capitals screaming out beneath. "I think she's bored."

He laughed, but also wondered what he'd missed? Just over a week ago at the bar he'd been worried they might kill each other.

"Ready to call it a day?" He asked, knowing it was a little earlier than Liv usually liked to head off.

She barely heard him, busy sending an amused reply. "Yeah sure … if you are."

Amaro stared at her as he started the engine, something was definitely up.

* * *

By the time Liv made it back to her apartment, in heavy snow and rush hour traffic, the point of leaving early had almost become moot. She let herself in with her key, pausing in the doorway as she tried to put her finger on what was seemingly out of place.

It felt warm, and rather than smelling musty with a faint linger of greasy takeout, there were soft scents of vanilla and spices and something that smelt a lot like chicken roasting in the oven. The kitchen was absolutely spotless save for a few pots and pans on the stovetop, and the lounge had been tidied too. In the distance she heard the sound of water running and, as if acting on instinct, her feet took her there.

"Hey …" Amanda looked up at her from the edge of the bathtub. "I ran you a bath, it's cold out."

Liv walked towards her and immediately took her face between gloved hands, kissing her hard. Rollins was taken aback, but pleased – her body sinking into the warmth of the brunette's lips against her own. As Liv pulled away, she followed, almost losing her balance on the edge of the bath.

"Wow …"

"Hi …" Liv said softly, realising she'd not yet spoken. "Bored were you?"

Amanda chuckled and nodded, shutting off the faucet. "I found plenty to do round here …" She teased, grasping the brunette's hand as she stood up. They faced each other, silently appraising what had changed in the hours they'd been apart. "You had dust bunnies under your couch the size of rats Liv …"

Liv kissed her again, laughing, "The bath's really for me?"

Amanda nodded, her forehead against the brunette's.

"Thank you." Liv whispered.

Amanda smiled. "You want company?"

After warming up in the bath, Amanda forced Liv to stay and relax whilst she got out to attend to dinner. Once she'd turned down the oven and put on the veggies she came back with a glass of wine to find the brunette stretched out with her toes peeking up the end of the tub, her head resting on a towel and her eyes closed.

"So beautiful …" Rollins mumbled, under her breath.

Liv caught the sound and opened her eyes. "Huh?"

"Nothing." Amanda passed her the glass of wine. "Here …"

Liv took it from her and sat up, gesturing that she should stay, talk to her.

"Dinner's almost ready." Amanda said softly, her fingertips easing back the wet strands of hair against Olivia's face.

Liv sipped her wine and sighed contentedly. "You really didn't have to do all this, you know? I'm the one who's supposed to be taking care of you!"

"I wanted to …" Amanda assured fondly. "It's okay Liv …" She added, "to let someone take care of 'you' every once in a while."

Olivia blushed and nodded. "I'm just not very used to it, that's all …"

On the dining table she was greeted by the delicious roast chicken she'd smelled as she first walked in, complete with potatoes, greens, biscuits and gravy.

"Real food what puts meat on 'yer bones, as my Mama would say …" Amanda drawled, mimicking her mother's strong accent.

"I find it really sexy when you talk like that …" Liv noted, wrapping her arms around the blonde's lithe waist.

"Liv …" Rollins was quick to scold her moves. "Sit … eat …" She set down the bowl of greens. "There'll be plenty of time for 'that' later!"

Olivia made to protest but secretly she was starving, the donut she ate at 11am was long gone. She sat opposite as Amanda served her a plate of food, once again struggling to quell the internal monologue keen to draw her attention to the easy domesticity of the two of them together.

She kept expecting the familiar unease of feeling someone grow too close to her for her usual comfort level to allow, and was surprised it hadn't happened yet.

"Liv?" Amanda looked across at her questioningly. "You gonna eat? Or just stare at it …?"

The brunette chuckled, shaking it off. "Thanks, looks yummy."

* * *

By the time dinner was finished her unease hadn't lessened, and as the two of them ate the conversation had slowly fallen by the wayside as Amanda tried to carry it along and Liv struggled to keep up. Eventually the blonde gave up, reverting to the assumption that she'd overstayed her welcome and preparing a home cooked meal on her detective's return home from work was akin to making herself into a 1960's housewife – she should just collect her belongings and leave now.

She began clearing the plates from the table, leaving the older detective to her half finished glass of wine and her thoughts, whatever they may be. She was just about to pick up the bowl of leftover potatoes when Liv's hand shot out, firmly encircling her wrist and drawing Amanda towards her.

"Leave it …" She instructed.

Avoiding looking the blonde directly in the eye she pulled her towards her and pushed back her chair, forcing the other woman into her lap. Amanda tried to pull away, fearing that here was where Olivia would break it to her, the _it's-been-great-but-I-think-we-should-stop-now-speech. _

"Just … give me a minute …" Liv asked, breathing deeply.

Amanda looked at her, frown lines disrupting her handsome face. "What is it Liv?"

Liv ran her hands up and down the smaller woman's back, pulling her towards her, needing to feel the closeness she'd felt when they made love the night before. "I'm scared I'll fuck this up …" She admitted, trying to hide herself in the younger woman's chest.

Amanda pushed against strong shoulders, forcing Olivia to look at her. "What makes you think you'll fuck this up?"

Olivia shrugged. "Have you ever dated someone you work with where it 'hasn't' ended badly?"

Rollins sighed, her shoulders slumping as the reality of the world that existed outside of the bubble of Olivia's apartment hit her with full force. "What are we going to do?" She asked, worried.

Liv pulled her close again and kissed her, letting it grow heated, all their anxiety and concern began to meld with the attraction and heat that was palpable any time they came together. "I don't want to stop …" She forced out through tender kisses.

Rollins head shook, "Then we won't …"

"But …"

Amanda didn't let her finish, sliding her tongue deep into the brunette's mouth as she felt her moan at the intrusion. She began tugging at the bottom of her shirt and sweater, making her intentions known.

At some point they'd have to talk about it, discuss whether risking screwing up one or both of their careers was worth it. But until then, they could bury their feelings in sex and pretend.

For tonight anyway.

* * *

**Reviews are just awesome **


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N – back on track with this story and now I've decided where I'm taking it too, which always helps! Not gonna say anymore, cos I don't wanna spoiler my own story! Loving the reviews, keep them coming, they definitely spur me on to keep going and write faster **

**Disclaimer – still not mine!**

* * *

The following morning they came to an agreement that was brought about, in part, by the fact they'd be shortly sat two desks away from each other inside the precinct and the idea of spending eight hours together in the same room … clothed … seemed implausible.

"How about this?" Liv proposed, rolling the blonde onto her back and planting a deep kiss to that soft, sweet-smelling patch of skin beneath her ear. "We give ourselves a couple of weeks leeway to figure things out?"

Amanda forced back her head to look at her, frowning slightly. "I hope you're not suggesting we keep away from each other during that time?"

"Only at work." Liv explained. "Cragen is keeping me partnered with Amaro and you're staying with Fin, so at work we keep our distance," She paused, dipping her head to nip at the same delicate strip of skin. "What we do outside of work is up to us …"

Rollins grinned. "I like the sound of that."

"But in two weeks …" Liv hated to say it, but it needed to be voiced once and then they could leave it alone. "Well …"

"If we decide we wanna keep doing it then we're gonna have to tell?" Rollins spoke for her.

She rolled her hips suggestively into the naked brunette on top of her and Liv groaned. "Stop it … we're gonna be late …"

Nimble fingers slid lower, cupping the older woman's ass and giving it a light, delicate squeeze before circling her hip and coming around to trace between chestnut curls which were lighter than those on her head.

"Amanda …"

It was a warning, but sounded more like a plea to the blonde as her fingers slipped easily into warm, enticing heat. "Yes Liv?"

"Fuck …" Liv's arms began to ache so she raised herself up to lean against the headboard, straddling the blonde on her knees as Amanda's fingers continued to penetrate her from beneath, achingly slowly. "Please …"

"Please what?"

"Please … fuck me …"

Amanda thrust her fingers harder, feeling the brunette begin to fuck herself against her hand, she used her free arm to grip Olivia's pelvis, preventing her from coming too soon.

"Argh …" Liv's pleas were incessant, her thighs tense in readiness, missing just the right amount of friction.

"Up …" Amanda instructed, her free arm beckoning, directing the brunette further up the bed towards her head.

"Huh … what?"

"Up …" She instructed again, removing her fingers to clarify the seriousness of the command.

Liv looked at her, blinked a few times, then understood she'd be left hanging if she didn't do as she was asked. She shimmied up the bed, placing her knees either side of Rollins head as she allowed the blonde to direct her over her face. Her embarrassment soon replaced by the spine-tingling sensation of Amanda's tongue instantly filling her, probing deep into wet, wanting flesh.

"Oh fuck … God … please …"

Her begging flowed freely, conscious of time – Amanda knew enough to not drag it out, but part of her couldn't resist just a few minutes of bliss as Olivia bobbed up and down above her, riding her tongue. She brought her arm around, slid her palm flat down the brunette's tensed abdomen and began rubbing her clit slightly with her thumb. Olivia's body bucked and crashed forwards and Amanda continued to rub with gentle force as Liv's orgasm broke and sweet juices ran into her eager mouth.

"Oh my god …" Liv turned over and flopped beside her on the bed, panting erratically. "What did we … what were we … huh?"

Amanda turned on her side and looked at her, giggling softly. "You okay there?"

"Huh? … yeah …" Olivia's face broke into the widest smile. "I'm better than okay …" She assured, kissing the blonde's face free of the remnants of her own orgasm.

"We should shower …" Rollins suggested, letting her hands roam freely across Olivia's glistening skin. "I know we said we were going to keep our distance at work but if we both show up smelling of sex and each other it might be a bit of a giveaway …?"

"I don't know …" Olivia teased. "For detectives, they're not that smart!"

* * *

The plan to avoid each other during the working day was going relatively well until the third day of Amanda's return to work, when a rather gruesome case involving a young ADA working on Alex's staff landed on their desks. The woman appeared to have been singled out for a case that was currently going through Appeals – involving a notorious Brooklyn drug gang, and her murder had definitely had vengeful sexual undertones. Olivia tried convincing herself that Alex, herself, was not in any danger, but Fin saw right through the look in her eyes when they finally made the connection.

"Alex will be fine Liv." He stated, seeing the tension in her body, the way she intermittently flexed and clenched her fists into balls against the open palm of her other hand.

"I know …" She shot him a look, knowing that he was just trying to show her the same level of understanding that Elliot would've, had he still been there.

The truth was that none of them knew what it was like to watch the ADA bleed out like that onto the sidewalk, thinking she was dead – then learning that she wasn't, only to have her snatched away from them regardless. The only saving grace to Fin's imminent demise at the hands of a ferocious Olivia was the sound of heels clicking down the coridoor as Alex Cabot arrived and promptly dragged Olivia into Cragen's office with her for almost forty minutes.

When they both reappeared, anyone with half a brain could see that the blonde attorney had been crying, her eyes were dry but carried a puffy remnant of salt-water tears. Their parting touch was fleeting, as Alex moved to step away she let her fingers linger against the sleeve of the brunette's cardigan, sharing a look that only they would understand.

Amanda felt a wave of jealousy wash over her from deep within the pit of her stomach, instantly regretting their prior decision to keep their relationship out of the workplace. If she'd never agreed to it then she could in good conscience go ahead and do what she was about to do anyway.

"Liv?"

Rollins request startled her, and she turned, studying the green-eyed monster stood before her.

"Can I see you for a moment?"

Olivia seemed dazed, still emotionally overwrought at listening to her old-time-friend and once-upon-a time-lover, crying at the notion that her life would never truly feel safe. She felt like a failure for not being able to protect Alex, both then – and now. Hell, she felt like a failure for not being able to protect everyone.

She followed the blonde blindly into a vacant interview room, perching upon the desk in the centre as Amanda hastily closed the shutters and ensured the intercom was most definitely off.

Somewhat foolishly, Olivia believed that the younger detective was there to console her.

"What the hell was that?" Amanda's tone was accusatory, irrational, and laced with more than a tinge of bitterness. She stood in front of the brunette, waiting with hands on hips.

"What was what?" Olivia asked, truly baffled.

"You and Cabot?" Amanda shot back, her anger spurring her on where in the absence of it she would have been able to see that Olivia's eyes were brimming with unshed tears.

"What about me and Cabot?" Liv frowned, looking perplexed, the only thing she could make out for certain was that this blonde was pissed at her, and the blonde she'd been speaking to just moments before was scared.

Over the course of the next ten seconds, Amanda seemed to allow time for her brain to catch up with her heart, the unfortunate collision of which ensured that she now registered the look of bewilderment and hurt on the older detectives face. Understanding immediately that she'd been the one to put it there.

"Liv …"

Softer this time, like an admission of guilt, mixed with apology and laced with regret. She felt awful for jumping to conclusions like that, for assuming the worst when Olivia never gave her any reason to doubt her feelings for her. Hating that the enemy of self-doubt had crept his way back in so easily, ruining yet another good thing she had going in her life, Amanda quickly turned on her heel and left. Pausing only to grab her jacket from the coat rack by the door as she took off without so much as a word.

Fin glanced across at Amaro, his head bent studiously into a stack of DD5's, the man was smart, like he, the man knew when to keep his nose out. "They must think we're really fucking stupid …" He muttered under his breath.

* * *

Amanda stayed gone for the rest of the day. When Cragen returned at the end of the afternoon from a meeting at 1PP, Olivia covered for her saying that she'd had a headache and so they'd sent her home. She knew from the busy expressions on her male colleague's faces that neither one of them would rat her out.

A couple of hours later, she and Nick were the only two left, finishing up paperwork and trudging through page after page of calls made to, and from, the district attorney's office. Trying to piece together some connection between the drug gang and their victim. At around 7pm, Amaro decided to call it a night, suggesting to Olivia that she should too.

The brunette glanced at her phone, not a word from Amanda, not a single response to any one of the eight texts she'd sent during the afternoon. She felt infuriated, and annoyed and in the back of her mind she knew that she was also growing concerned.

"I'm worried about her Nick …" She said softly, not bothering to explain since she already knew that he would understand what she was telling him.

He was putting on his coat and scarf over by the door. "She'll be fine," He reassured. "She probably just went to blow off some steam …"

"That's exactly what I'm worried about." Liv pointed out rather sadly.

"In that case you should call Fin." Nick suggested. "He usually knows where to find her."

* * *

**Now don't y'all go hating on me …**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N - Hello lovely readers, I'm so amazed by all your reviews and I thank you. I hope you'll stick with the story even though there's a bit of turbulence ahead ... oh and laurel hardy - I do believe you are mocking me, no? Next chapter up tomorrow all being well, after which there are only a few more till the end! :(**

**Same disclaimers apply ...**

* * *

After trying the blonde at her apartment, Fin said to meet her at a bar on 10th in an hour, so Liv left immediately and found herself there in a little under half that. She hovered outside, pacing back and forth from foot to foot in the chilly night air. It was still early to be drinking, and from what she could see from a brief glance through the window there were barely a handful of patrons inside.

"Hey …" Fin approached her from behind, but she'd recognise his voice anywhere.

She turned around to face him. "That was quick?"

"Figured you'd get here before me." He said sombrely, "Didn't want you charging in there doing something you might regret."

"How do you even know she'll be here?" Liv asked, wondering to herself what Fin knew? Whether Amanda had chosen to confide in him the exact nature of their relationship, or whether he was really just that good?

"I don't." He replied, as he held the door open to let her enter before him. "But you said she was upset before she stormed out, so I'd rather we looked here first …"

Olivia's heart sank a little bit with the knowledge that Fin was worried the blonde might have relapsed.

Their eyes scanned the bar like cops, quickly ascertaining that Amanda wasn't one of the few occupying space in the main body of the bar.

"I'm gonna check the back." Fin said, moving away from her. "You should wait here."

Liv shot him an incredulous look. "Hell no …"

The back of the pub was quiet too, a group of four were playing poker in one of the back rooms but cards had never been on Rollins' radar. Liv and Fin quickly began to realise that she wasn't there, and nor had she been, not knowing whether to be relieved or more anxious by this discovery.

"Where is she?" Liv asked, sadness creeping into her voice, something about the worry growing inside her reminded her of all those times she used to wonder whether her mother would come home again, or fall down drunk and die. Until the day she did just that of course, and then she stopped wondering anymore. "And why isn't she answering her cell …?"

Fin looked across at her, the look of someone about to break a serious confidence – etched upon his face. "There is one other place we could try?"

* * *

A short while later they sat side by side on a bench across the street from St Stephens' church, a couple of blocks from Amanda's apartment, each holding steaming cups of coffee and paper bags containing donuts. Liv had even picked up an extra one; custard filled with cinnamon glaze because she knew it was Amanda's favourite.

Fin told her the meeting let out at 9:30pm. She had so many questions, wanting to know what he knew and how much he knew, wanting to thank him for being there for the blonde when she had no one. Her silence spoke louder than any question she could have reasonably come up with, and as he sat there sipping his coffee, Fin decided it would be best to just answer her.

"I'm not gonna tell you anything Liv, that's between me and her." He paused, "If you want to know then you're either gonna have to ask her yourself, or wait until she decides to tell you."

Olivia nodded, his loyalty something she'd relied upon herself in the past.

"But for what it's worth …" Fin offered, the last he would say on the subject. "I think you two are good for each other."

They sat chatting for what seemed like forever, not helped by the temperature outside once all the hot coffee had gone. Olivia was about to suggest going for a refill, when the front doors to the church opened, and the first person to leave stepped outside. Fin looked across at her, indicating he would take her lead if the blonde showed.

She was one of the last the come out, Liv had all but given up hope, presuming that once again they were wrong. Fighting off thoughts creping in that Amanda was currently getting her head kicked in, in some dive pub, after betting everything that she didn't have just to make the feelings go away. She sighed audibly when she finally saw her, a relieved gasp exiting her chest. Holding the bag with the donut firmly in her hand she jumped up and began to cross the street, watching Rollins as she fastened up her jacket and wrapped her scarf tight around her neck, preparing to make the short walk home.

"Amanda!" Liv called out to her, approaching.

Rollins head shot up, surprised, her eyes scanned the street where she saw Fin sat upon the same bench he used to sit and wait for her when she'd first started going to those meetings. She made eyes at him, and nodded, signalling that it was all okay.

"Hi Liv …"

They stopped about a metre apart, hands in pockets, and cheeks smarting against the crisp chill in the air. Liv smiled at her and the blonde smiled back, though it was a sad smile, borne out of embarrassment mostly and disappointment in herself.

"You found me …" It was a pointless statement, but one she felt better for having made.

Liv nodded. "I was worried, you weren't answering your cell?"

"Not allowed …" Amanda signalled back to the church, to the last stragglers leaving the meeting.

"I text you though, earlier …"

Amanda knew she'd have to acknowledge what she'd put the brunette through, every time she'd read one of the texts, seen Olivia's words on the screen begging her to let her know that she was safe, and okay, she'd wound up feeling more sorry for herself than ever before – for putting the older detective through having to deal with her in a way she swore she never would, and so soon already.

"I'm sorry Liv." She paused, "I never should have said that to you, earlier, I know that there's nothing going on with you and Alex … I just …"

Liv stepped a little closer, but felt the blonde tense as she neared her. She paused an arms length away, reaching out to touch Amanda's hand as it hung down by her side.

Their gloved fingertips lingered softly, reconnecting and reminding them both of why they cared enough to be there.

"I can't help it …" Amanda continued. "It's like I can't imagine why anyone would ever want to be around me so I look for reasons to justify how I can push them away … It wasn't your fault." She reiterated, just to be sure that Liv had heard.

Liv felt the pain in her voice – it was almost palpable. She drew the blonde towards her, needing her to come willingly rather than be the one to force herself into Amanda's space.

Reluctantly the blonde took a couple of steps, her eyes downcast, looking at Liv's jacket, her boots, or the pavement between their feet, anywhere but her eyes. She felt soft gloved fingertips caressing her cheek and turned her head against the touch, sighing as Olivia's lips pressed gently against her forehead.

"Did you break your eight months?" Liv asked, not sure she really wanted to know the answer.

Rollins shook her head, she leant into Olivia's body, allowing the brunette to comfort her with strong arms wrapped tightly around. She wanted to be Olivia's strength too, she didn't want theirs to be a one sided relationship with the older woman always having to rescue her from herself, and what she might go and do.

"This isn't fair on you …" Rollins mumbled, pitifully. "I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to put up with this …"

Olivia whipped her head back, bringing her hands up squarely to grasp Amanda's shoulders. "No." She said sternly. "No … you don't get to do that, you don't get to be the one who tells me what I can or cannot handle." She lowered her voice again to a softer tone. "I'm here aren't I?" She questioned.

Amanda nodded, slowly.

"I bought you a donut." Liv said, offering it to her.

Amanda opened the bag and took a peek inside. "Mmm, cinnamon glaze," She smiled a little. "Thanks …"

Liv leant forwards and captured the blonde's lips in a resolute kiss, holding her close with her thumb and forefinger wrapped around her chin. She felt Amanda's hesitance, sensing there was more to say.

"They say you shouldn't begin any new relationships until you at least get your One Year …" Amanda whispered, not able to look at Olivia as she spoke lest her resolve should crumble.

"What about you?" Liv asked, "What do 'you' say …?"

"Gambling was the first thing I thought of …" The blonde admitted, upset at herself. "I had that feeling, y'know … where you're on edge and your skin jumps, like there's tiny insects crawlin' all over your body …" She looked up, eyes hauntingly wide open and real. "Then I thought of you, and how I'd already disappointed you, and how even if you never wanted to be with me again I'd still want to do this, to prove to you that I'm strong enough and that I can …"

Liv stepped into her, wrapping her arms back around the blonde. "You haven't disappointed me." She whispered. "And you don't have to prove anything to me." She paused, pulling her head back to kiss Amanda again. "The only person you have to prove this to is yourself."

Her sponsor had said the exact same thing to her when she'd met him in a diner several hours earlier, after wandering around for a while, trying to figure out what to do. He'd asked her about Olivia; wanting to know what was so compelling about this woman that Amanda would risk her eight-month stretch by introducing the complexities of emotion into the mix. She sat across from him, cradling a cup of white coffee with extra sugar because it reminded her of the way Olivia took hers. He warned her against moving too fast, shared with her the pitfalls of losing herself in a relationship before fully getting to grips with the 'self' that she was looking to find. She understood, all too well, that her feelings for Olivia were overwhelming and all consuming, and it would be easy to get caught up in the affirmation of Olivia's love. She wanted to be better than that; she wanted to demonstrate to Olivia that she was an equal – worthy of her care and adoration.

"I need you to do something for me …" She asked softly, her gloved hands tracing the front of Olivia's worn leather jacket, as if mapping to remember her by. "And I need you to just listen before you say anything …"

Liv's heart moved into her throat, she tried to swallow it down but all that did was make her feel even queasier. "Okay …"

"I need you to give me some time?" Rollins asked.

Olivia stared back at her in disbelief. "How long?"

Rollins shrugged, "I don't know … as long as it takes?"

Liv's eyes misted with tears. "Okay …" She didn't want to say it; in truth she wanted to grasp hold of the blonde and kiss her so forcefully she'd never be able to leave. But like always she went ahead and did the decent thing, thinking of herself and her own feelings last.

Amanda nodded. "Thank you." She leant up to kiss the brunette, pouring everything she daren't say, lest it broke her resolve, into that one parting kiss.

The second it was over Amanda turned and walked away, knowing that Olivia would let her. If nothing else the woman was getting used to allowing people into her life – only to have them turn around and leave again, her wounded heart left trampled upon and barely beating on the ground.

Amanda didn't need to turn around for one last glance, she already felt every one of the teardrops as they rolled down Olivia's cheeks just as viscerally as if they were raindrops pelting against her own face.

She passed Fin as she crossed the street, not stopping, just slowing her pace momentarily. "I'm sorry …" She mumbled, leaving him to clear up yet another one of her fuck-ups, once again.

* * *

**Reviews are love :)**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N - thanks to everyone who reviewed or pm'd - even those who were a bit unhappy with the direction. I think most people got where I'm going with this though, I know this is fiction, and therefore that gives license to write happy and fluffy stories that we all (me very much included) love to read. I enjoy writing those stories too. But every once in a while I like to write something with a bit more grit, that requires the characters to work a little harder for it, making it all the more worth it in the end. Anyways, I really hope you'll all stick with me on this one :)**

**A very Merry Christmas to you all, I hope you are enjoying yourself however you are spending it x**

**- Sofa x**

* * *

The next few weeks passed slowly; the case involving the Brooklyn attorney ran cold until a second body of an Appeals Investigator popped up roughly three weeks after the night Olivia and Amanda had parted ways outside the church. Since then they'd only seen each other at work, avoiding situations where they might run into each other and have to talk about something other than the case. Fin sometimes took Amanda to the bar after work, and on occasions Munch would join them. Other times Amaro dragged Liv out with him after a double or triple shift, the two of them putting away beer after beer as they moaned about their inability to connect to the women in their lives who they pined for night after night. Every once in a while Fin would catch Nick on his way out of the cribs after video chatting with his daughter and they'd swap stories, both of them aware that the two women were equally miserable whilst pretending to be fine.

After the murder of the Appeals Investigator, the case took a different direction as Amanda was able to pull together evidence which suggested that he and the Brooklyn ADA working with Alex had been having an affair. Liv breathed a huge sigh of relief in the hope that she may soon be able to tell Alex that she could stop looking over her shoulder again, until she realised, quite sadly, that would never truly be the case. It left her thinking though, about time, and what it had meant to her to lose out to it when Alex was shot. How she'd found herself regretting (for a day or two at least until Hammond dragged them out there to show that she was actually alive,) all the things she'd never told the blonde, things she'd wanted to, but never found the time. All she could do was hope that Amanda hadn't been lying when she asked her for time, meaning that eventually, the time she wanted had to come to an end.

The veteran detective made her way across to the courthouse that Friday evening, long after her shift had actually ended, hoping to catch Alex still at work and maybe go out to grab a bite to eat or catch a movie. Anything to not have to go back to her apartment and see Amanda's sweatpants and Falcons jersey still strewn over the back of the armchair in her bedroom, unable to bring herself to take action and move them. She was climbing the wide staircase to the third floor when a flurry of red hair and clackety heels rounded the corner and ran right into her, the two of them dancing a dance on the steps to get around each other.

"Casey … you're back?"

The redhead smiled back at her warmly, and Liv had to admit that she always preferred Novak with her natural colour.

"For a month now …" Casey replied, "I finally made homicide," She paused, "I think Abbie might've put in a good word for me …"

They moved to the side over by the wall, to avoid the surprising amount of foot traffic going up and down the staircase in the courthouse at after 8pm on a Friday.

"I'm glad." Liv rubbed at her sleeve, genuinely pleased to see Casey happy and seemingly content in her work again.

"Yeah … it's not SVU …" Casey noted wistfully, "but then again, maybe that's no bad thing?"

Liv's eyes darkened a little as she listened to the younger woman speak, realising that there were a group of them for whom that job, those cases, and those victims had inevitably changed lives forever.

Casey was one of them, Alex too, herself, Amanda … and Elliot. She realised she'd not replied and that Casey was looking at her funny in that way she'd done so often after she joined the DA's office to replace Alex when she was hastily shipped away.

"What happened Liv?" She asked softly, stepping closer to Olivia's body to convey warmth and a source to confide in.

Olivia sank into it, realising that this was what she'd come to seek out Alex for, but her red headed counterpart was actually the better one for the job.

"You wanna get a drink Case?"

Casey nodded, "About time one of you lot took me out to celebrate …"

* * *

Across town, Rollins sat in her third meeting of the week, she'd been attending them almost every other day, filling up empty evenings with work and trying out new recipes – anything to stop her brain from wanting to command her legs to get up off the sofa and walk over to Olivia's apartment, put the last three weeks behind them and continue from exactly where they'd left off. She stuck by her own decision, assuming it to have been made of sound place, assuming that she'd have the resolve to see it all the way through.

What gripped her with fear was the unknown of what Olivia was thinking. Was she missing her as badly as she missed the brunette detective, her laugh, her sexy chuckle, or the deep furrow in her brow when she was thinking about something troubling? Would she consider this a temporary break, enough time to allow the southern blonde space to sort her shit out and get it together? Or would she see Amanda's request as enough reason to make the not-unwise decision that life is short, drama is heavy and she ought really just stick to what she knew best, the single life? As she allowed each and every one of these rhetorical questions to circle around and around in her mind she felt herself losing control faster than she had when she and Olivia had been together. Leaving her in the frightening juxtaposition of knowing that either with, or without Olivia by her side, her head would still never be clear.

The meeting drew to a close as the last person to speak drew to a tearful end, his tale a woeful one of loss, pain and deception. Whatever had happened to her life over the past couple of years, Rollins was relieved she didn't have children yet or a partner whom she'd hurt with her actions. It was thoughts like these, stories like those that made her stay at home on the sofa instead of gravitating back to places where Olivia might be. The desire inside to never, ever be responsible for anyone's hurt except her own meant that even though it killed her a little bit more inside every day that went by, she pretended that she was okay with their current situation because she'd made her bed outside the church and as cold and as uncomfortable as it might be – she was damn sure she was going to lie in it for as long as she could possibly stand to.

November had rolled on seamlessly into December and a thin dusting of frost covered the ground when she reappeared a couple of hours later. Fin sat waiting for her on the bench just as he'd promised he would, Friday nights – being the start of the long weekend ahead – were always the worst. She passed him a brown paper grocery bag, rolled down at the top.

"Oatmeal Raisin Cookies." She stated, "For Ken … I know they're Alejandro's favourite."

He took the bag from her and slipped an arm across her shoulders, hugging her to him as he sighed, sadly, wishing he didn't always have to see her so sad. "How was it?"

"You know I shouldn't really have told you about any of them …" Rollins teased, picking herself up so as not to be too depressing for him to be around.

Fin chuckled. "Shame … I was really looking forward to the next episode …"

She laughed a little as they began to walk towards a late night coffee shop that was a couple of blocks between the church and her apartment, where they'd sit for an hour or two until it was late enough for her to bear going home. "Well alright then," She paused, "Actually, tonight there was a new guy … let's call him … Steve …"

* * *

In a not dissimilar coffee shop, within sight of the front steps of the courthouse, Olivia and Casey sipped seasonal drinks of hazelnut latte and peppermint hot chocolate, catching up on the last few months of the redhead's secondment to the United States Attorney's office. The latter playing along patiently until the detective was ready to talk.

"You gonna tell me what's bothering you Liv?" She asked, proving with her next statement that she could be just as good a detective as the boys and girls in blue. "It's been a while since I've seen you lurking round the courthouse after hours on a Friday …?"

Olivia answered her with a self-deprecating chuckle. "Woman trouble …"

Casey 'mock' rolled her eyes. "Uh oh … let me guess … 5' 7'', blonde, blue eyes … penchant for getting' herself into trouble?" She added, faking Rollins' southern drawl with the last part.

Liv nodded, a small smirk on her lips, "It's the trouble part that's causing all the problems …"

Needing someone to confide in, Liv began telling Casey all about the conversation she'd had with Amanda outside the church, how the blonde was attending meetings for her gambling addiction, how that had come to light during a case they'd worked last year and Cragen had overlooked it. She trusted Casey; not least because she'd seen with her own eyes how just and loyal the redhead could be for one of their own. She lowered her eyes as she mentioned Amanda's injury, their burgeoning relationship and then the blonde's irrational jealously, and Casey saw the hurt in her friend's eyes as she relayed how hard it had been to let her go like that and walk away.

"It's gotta be tough for you …" Casey supposed. "After what you went through with your Mom?"

Liv frowned, instantly ready to say 'No … no, this was different …' Only it really wasn't that different, and she knew it, and deep down beneath the bruised ego and the battered pride she knew 'that' was the real reason she'd allowed the blonde to step away from her.

Turned out she needed some space and time to think too.

* * *

**Ho ho ho ... **


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N - well, Christmas is over for another year! Back to work in a few days so I'm desperately trying to get stuff finished, stories included! For anyone reading my other Liv/Alex story, next chapter will be up later today. For now, please enjoy some Amanda and Olivia :)**

**Same disclaimers apply.**

* * *

As Christmas approached, Rollins' jar on her kitchen worktop passed the $200 mark and was fast approaching $230, the amount she knew that her coveted Kitchen Aid mixer was on sale for. When she'd begun several months ago, two-hundred-and-thirty times to say 'No' to something seemed like an awfully big hurdle to climb. Now that she was into the final stretch, the thought of no longer having that comfortable routine, that reliable goal to fall back on, was terrifying. She pondered all of this as she slid the two-hundred-and-twenty-first dollar into the jar, before pulling out the ingredients to make gingerbread cookies.

As she piped icing onto them late into the night, she found herself thinking about Olivia, her lack of family and therefore lack of family traditions such as these. She'd made the same gingerbread cookies for the tree with her mother and sister every year since her father left. After they were done they would hang them on the tree and she'd then have to watch Kim to stop her from eating them all in one go. Back then she'd had such strong resolve, she always saved all her Christmas candy until well into February, eating it gleefully in front of her poor sister who saved none. Yet somewhere along the way, all that strength and willpower had faded, yet the same old traditions remained.

She hung about ten of them onto the small plastic tree atop the side table in her living room, tied on with red ribbon, before slipping the rest into a tin, hoping she'd be able to give them to the only other person she'd give up such a holiday treat for.

* * *

The week before Christmas, all chatter at the precinct and the courthouse was focused on the DA's annual Christmas ball. The ADA's saw it as an excuse to let their hair down, whilst the detectives looked forward to bearing witness to some scandalous lawyer behaviour, which would then tide them over in getting things done for another year. Either way, it was the reason Liv found herself being primped and prodded by Alex, utterly unaware that she and Novak had put their scheming heads together and concocted a plan to reunite her with Rollins before the year end.

Just a couple of days after running into Liv at the courthouse, Casey then crossed paths with Fin and Rollins. They came to talk to a suspect she had on a double murder charge, when he offered up information on a case the 16th were working of a serial rapist. As Fin grilled the perp for information, Rollins stood with Casey outside – making small talk. At the end of which Casey asked the blonde if she'd like to be her friend-who-is-a-girl date to the Christmas ball – to which Rollins replied 'yes'.

At the time, it seemed like the perfect solution to a troublesome situation, yet as the date approached Rollins began to fear that she really should have said no, and not gone at all.

"Two rum and cokes please." Rollins asked, fighting her way to the bar to get drinks for her and Casey.

They'd arrived with Fin, Munch and Amaro, all of them deciding to go stag for the evening on account of the fact that Amaro was edgy about taking a date in the wake of his floundering marriage. Olivia was nowhere to be seen, leaving the blonde detective to assume that she either had a date of her own or wasn't coming.

"Here …" She passed Casey her drink, using the small straw to swirl the amber liquid round in her glass. She was nervous, and the others could see it.

They made the rounds, speaking to Cragen and the new Chief of Detectives. At one point Casey disappeared for a while to talk to her old boss and some of the lot she'd been through law school with, returning after a while to the security of her SVU family. Everything was ticking along quite uneventfully until Fin began knocking against Munch's arm, trying to get his attention.

John was mid-story, rambling on about some woman he'd met at the convenience store last week who swore that she had actual proof that the moon landing in '69 was staged, when he looked up and stopped abruptly, staring at the doorway leading to the stairs. "Is that …?"

Fin nodded.

Casey turned to see what they were both looking at. "Oh my God … Elliot …!" Amanda whipped her head around as Casey kept on talking, finally setting eyes upon the guy who'd been Olivia's partner for years before unceremoniously dropping her. "Is Liv here yet?" Casey asked, anxiety rising in her voice. "Has she seen him?"

"She's not here yet." Amanda replied gruffly, of all people she would know, she'd been surreptitiously watching the door ever since they arrived.

"Who's that he's with?" Fin asked, looking at the dark, curly haired woman on his arm. "It sure ain't Kathy …"

"That's Christine Danielson from the US Attorney's office." Casey replied, a hint of betrayal in her tone. "I heard rumours when I was working there … but I just thought …"

She shut up quickly as Elliot and his date began making their way over to the group, after all it wasn't exactly hard to pick Munch and Fin out of a crowd.

"Hi …" He seemed cautious as he extended a muscled forearm to his old work buddies, before grasping Casey and pulling her into a tight hug. "Counsellor, it's good to see you …"

Casey returned his hug awkwardly. "Elliot, how are you … have you … it's been …" She tailed off, at a loss for what she really wanted to say.

He introduced himself to Nick and Amanda, congratulating them both on getting a spot on the team, then hesitated, clearly wanting to ask the question that was on everyone's lips.

"Where's Liv?"

As if on cue, Olivia chose that exact moment to enter the ballroom on Alex's arm; the two of them giggling like schoolgirls who'd spent the last couple of hours doing their hair and make-up and getting ready for their High School Prom. It was unfortunate timing, since none of the detectives or Casey had wanted to broach the subject of Olivia's absence and as such their little group had grown silent.

They all heard the doors swing open and turned, watching the events unfold in proverbial slow motion as Olivia spotted Elliot standing with them and immediately turned on her heel, leaving Alex alone and slow to catch on. When she finally did, catching Casey and Amanda's eye in a look of quiet understanding, she left too, in hot pursuit of her friend.

"You should go too." Casey whispered to Amanda, nodding assuredly. It wasn't how she and Alex had planned on getting them together to talk but it would probably do just as well.

Amanda simply nodded, leaving her drink on a nearby table she slipped away from them, unnoticed.

* * *

She eventually located Alex in the powder room on the floor above, sat on an elegant chaise longue placed directly in the centre of the room. She was speaking quietly to the only shut toilet stall. As Amanda snuck in, Alex motioned for her to come closer, readily getting up to leave.

Amanda looked at her, panic stricken.

"It's okay," Alex reassured. "It's you she really wants to talk to …"

With that she left, leaving the younger blonde to pace around the chaise in a circle, hands in pockets, head bent in thought. The second she'd seen the look of hurt upon Olivia's face she immediately felt the need to run to her, and protect her. To wrap her arms around the beautiful brunette and absorb all the pain she felt from having been left and abandoned by someone that she once trusted with her life. Then she felt a sharp pang, deep in the pit of her stomach, realising that just like Elliot, she too had walked away from Olivia without much of an explanation.

"Hey … Liv …" She approached the only closed door. "It's Amanda …"

Behind the door she heard a sigh, but thankfully no hint of tears. "I know that it's you, Amanda." Liv replied, somewhat wearily. She paused for a moment or two, before adding, "I'm fine, really … I was just surprised to see Elliot here, that's all."

Amanda leant against the door, her fingertips pushed up against it. She wanted to see the other woman's face, only then would she be able to tell if she was truly alright or not. "Liv please … come out …? We need to talk."

She seemed to wait forever, before the latch drew back and the door opened, revealing the striking brunette in an even more breathtaking black sleeveless dress with a plunging neckline to boot.

"Jeez Liv …"

Despite herself, Olivia couldn't help but smile a little at the blonde's reaction, until she remembered that she wasn't allowed to do anything about the subtle hitch in her breathing and the marked dilation of her pupils.

"Why are you here Amanda? We aren't supposed to be seeing each other, remember …?"

She made her way over to the sink and began washing her hands, the flow of water a welcome reprieve from the awkward silence.

Amanda followed, standing close beside her. "That doesn't mean I quit caring about you Liv," She paused, "You were upset, I wanted to make sure you were okay?"

"Well, here I am." Liv bristled. "You've seen that I'm fine so now you can leave …"

She dried her hands and turned to face the blonde, arms crossed combatively across her chest, making Amanda felt as if she were about the be interrogated. It quickened her pulse in ways she couldn't quite explain.

"Liv … I …" She nervously flexed her hands, beginning to feel like an idiot stood there in her tight black dress pants and a fitted white shirt, not dissimilar to the outfit she'd worn with Olivia on their date.

"What Amanda?" Liv's face softened and she relaxed her arms, "It's okay," She acknowledged, "You had your reasons and I respect that … it's just …"

"Just what? … Liv?"

Amanda stepped towards her, hands twitching as she longed to reach out and touch the older woman's skin.

Olivia shook her head, betraying how much she longed not to be having this conversation. "I can't …" She whispered. "It's ..."

Amanda moved closer still, so close she could see the way Olivia's chest flushed in her presence, the slight trembling of her hands and the way she licked her lips almost imperceptibly. She nodded, agreeing that it was indeed too hard, as she drew the detective towards her, letting Liv's body fall into her willingly.

"I can't believe he's here …" Liv mumbled, she drew her head up to nuzzle against Amanda's cheek, "He's here … and you're here … and …"

"I was wrong." Rollins said suddenly. She pulled Olivia away to look at her. "I was and idiot, and I was wrong. I thought that if I wasn't around you anymore then all the feelings I have when I'm with you would go away, but I was wrong," She paused, "They just got worse."

Liv looked at her, seeing in that moment how she struggled to let herself accept that despite everything she knew she 'ought' do with her life, it made her miserable to follow her own rules.

"I understand why you said what you did …" Liv mumbled, not really feeling it. "We were moving too fast and …"

"No," Amanda cut her off. "No, that's not it, Liv …" She grasped the older detective's hands firmly in her own, beseeching that she hear her out. "The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you," She began to explain, thoughts turning to the softness of Liv's palm as she rubbed into it with her thumb. "I told myself the right thing to do would be to stay away from you until I've sorted myself out, because you're what I want Liv, but I don't want some half-assed relationship where I continue to fuck-up and you continually come to my rescue …" She paused, thinking over the next part carefully. "I'm not saying I won't make mistakes," She whispered softly, "but I won't make the really big one, I know that now … and the rest, well, the rest of it just didn't feel right, watching you from a distance, wanting to be with you and knowing 'I' did that, I walked away from the best thing that happened to me in a really long time."

Once she'd finished, Amanda looked up to see Olivia's soft brown eyes gazing back at her, a look of relief and stillness upon her face. Liv pulled Amanda towards her, their fingers entwined, she captured Amanda's lips in the softest kiss, answering her without the need for words or demonstration.

"I missed you …" She whispered, and the blonde nodded in response, kissing her back with fervour. "And you have some making up to do for putting me through that …" Again Amanda nodded, through more kissing. "I think you owe me at least one dance?" Liv joked, "Maybe two?" Struggling to contain her laughter as Amanda's nose crinkled in displeasure.

"Really?"

Liv nodded, firmly grasping her hand. "Really."

* * *

**Reviews make my day :)**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N - this chapter is slightly longer than usual, you can thank me at the end if you like ;) **

**Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton**

**Enjoy, strong M rating.**

**Same disclaimers as before ...**

* * *

Liv held Amanda's hand as she led them through the crowd, towards the centre of the dance floor where a swing band had been playing a gentle bossa nova for the past couple of minutes.

She felt the blonde's hesitation as she pulled her round to face her.

"Are you sure you wanna do this Liv?"

Olivia brought her free hand out to grasp Amanda's hip. "Yes." She groaned, her voice filled with certainty. "I am …"

They began swaying together to the lilting beat of the music, hips and waists in time. Soon Amanda forgot about the many pairs of eyes boring holes into the back of her head and began to concentrate on the feel of the brunette's body against her own, the dance not unlike the feeling of making love, so well orchestrated it almost seemed as if they were meant only for each other.

As they gently turned, Liv's eyes scanned the room over the back of Amanda's shoulder, falling eventually upon their small group, where Alex and Casey stood close together, whispering conspiratorially.

"I wonder what happened to Kathy …?" Liv mumbled, all of a sudden, she intended it as a thought but it escaped before she had chance to censor it. She felt Amanda stiffen a little in her arms, but merely squeezed her tight, hoping to convey that it was just talk, and she hadn't left the moment.

"Casey says he's with that woman he's with …" Amanda replied, remembering that Liv hadn't been there.

"Chris Danielson?" Liv's tone was incredulous. She stopped short of mentioning what a jerk that made Elliot.

Amanda leant further into the taller woman's body, feeling the song come to its inevitable end. As the music stopped they parted slightly, hands still in contact with each other's bodies.

"Were you in love with him?" Amanda asked, suddenly needing to know.

Liv shook her head, unnerved that this most significant conversation was taking place in the thirty-second interlude between songs. "No …" She whispered, not sounding totally convinced. "No … I …" She paused, hesitating over her choice of words. "I wanted him to want me the way I wanted him …" She stared at Amanda, taking in her big beautiful blue eyes, her crooked smile, the way she let her head tilt a little to the side as she listened intently. "He made me his everything … and then he kept a wife at home to fuck and raise his children …" Liv heard the venom that came along with her own words, understanding that very fine line separating love and hate. "If I 'did' love him, I certainly don't anymore …" She assured.

"Did 'you' fuck him?" Amanda checked, as the band began the first eight bars of an introduction she knew well. "I love this song …" She smiled, letting Olivia know that it was okay to answer her truthfully, it wouldn't matter.

"No …" Liv replied. "Never …" She stepped closer, pulling Amanda into her arms again as the lyrics to 'Wonderful Tonight' filtered from the singers throat. "Anyway, right now …" She traced Rollins spine with her fingertips, pushing their bodies flush together, "There's only one person I'm interested in fucking, and that's you."

Liv's eyes darkened, and as the song pushed on, Amanda felt the heat within Olivia burn brightly like a copper flame, reflected in the green flecks within her irises. She began to sense they were rapidly losing control, needing to get the brunette off the dance floor and away to somewhere private before they wound up giving their co-workers an entirely different kind of floor show.

"Liv …" She whispered into Olivia's ear, "Liv …?"

Olivia hummed along to the familiar tune, joining in with the lyrics, "_We go to a party, and everyone turns to see, this beautiful lady, that's walking around with me…"_

Amanda blushed, feeling stirring inside her that she worried she couldn't control, envisaging them naked on the chaise in the upstairs ladies bathroom if she didn't do something soon and get them both the hell out of there. She pulled away from Olivia's embrace, her tone firmer this time, "Liv … honey … time to go …"

* * *

Rollins felt her heart beat furiously inside her chest as they made their way across town to her apartment. All of a sudden Olivia's fragrance seemed to be everywhere and was intoxicating, confusing her senses. She tried looking out of the cab window, anywhere to avoid the salacious touch of fingertips teasing the tensed muscles of her inner thigh, Liv's thumb inching higher in rhythmic tune to the low hum of the car's tyres against the bumps in the road.

"Relax …" Liv hushed, the same errant fingers edging higher. "I won't bite …"

Rollins chuckled, still looking away from her. "It's not your bite I'm worried about."

Liv slid closer, finally giving in to the contact she'd been denying herself all those weeks, letting her body have its fill of the warmth from Amanda's body as she gave in to the pull of their intense attraction. All her barriers stripped away.

"I want you …" she whispered, no longer caring about holding back.

Amanda groaned, biting her bottom lip for some semblance of control. "You have me."

"I want you all night long and again tomorrow morning." Liv clarified, seeing the younger detective shift in her seat where the inseam of her pants rubbed at her uncomfortably. "Need some help there?"

"No." Amanda swatted her hand away, growling. "Don't make me arrest you …"

* * *

Liv faltered for a moment as they crossed the threshold of Rollins' apartment. Though it was weeks ago, the last time she'd been there ended badly for them both. Amanda saw it and pulled her close, grasping Olivia's cheeks in both hands as she captured her lips fiercely.

"Don't … I'm over it …"

Liv groaned, pushing the blonde back against her closed apartment door. She brought her hand up to caress Amanda's throat, holding her there, as her mouth went to work on the blonde's bottom lip, biting it between her teeth and pulling hard.

Amanda's mouth went slack at the contact, and Liv smoothed the bite with soft licks of her tongue, quietly seeking entrance. They kissed softly for a few moments, tongues cautiously exploring in between escaped moans before Liv's hands moved to the belt buckle of Amanda's pants and they came to an abrupt stop again, both inwardly groaning. The brunette's mind caught in a loop of what happened next – the last time she'd tried to do this.

Amanda squared her shoulders, bringing herself face to face with Olivia in height. "I'm not afraid of you Liv …" She drawled, her thick Georgia accent coming through. "I know you won't hurt me …"

"Good." Liv leant in, owning the blonde's lips in a possessive kiss, her weight forcing them both back against the door.

Amanda felt a sudden urge to spout declarations of love, but understood that this wasn't the time.

"I need you …" Liv husked, withdrawing her lips and moving them to Amanda's ear instead. She lashed her tongue across the blonde's earlobe, eliciting a sharp intake of breath.

"Tell me how you want it?" Amanda asked, letting her head fall back against the wall, exposing her lean, elegant neck and the subtlest hint of cleavage beneath the open 'v' of her shirt. She ran her top teeth seductively across her bottom lip and watched in pleasure as Olivia's pupils dilated in response.

Liv placed her hands against the door, either side of Amanda's shoulders. She leant in, hovering just millimetres away. "I want you naked," Liv breathed, "Up against this door … then I want to fuck you … hard … until you're begging me to stop because you think you cant take any more … only I won't stop … because you'll be wrong … I'll be just getting started."

Amanda's lips parted at the mental images rushing through her mind. "What if 'I' want to fuck you?" She asked demurely.

"All in good time …" Liv whispered, lowering herself down to complete the kiss.

Amanda felt her body melt beneath Olivia's fingertips, pulling and grasping at her shirt buttons as they kissed passionately. Liv undid each one slowly, loosening it free from her pants as she ran her hands over the younger woman's skin, loving the way Amanda buckled beneath her touch.

She ran her fingers beneath the rim of the blonde's pants, dipping her hand to sweep between her legs, gathering up wetness that had begun the second Olivia dragged her onto the dance floor and gathered her up in her arms.

"You're so wet."

Amanda merely grunted her response.

Liv's hands returned to the belt buckle, roughly undoing it. She grasped Amanda's upper arms and spun her around to face the door, pushing up her shirt to lay firm kisses against the base of her spine. Her tongue traced the italicised silvery letters of Rollins tattoo there, remembering how she'd told her it was the Sanskrit for _'I will survive'_. As she pushed the blonde's pants from her hips she stood back, taking in the heavy rise and fall of Amanda's chest as she struggled to reign herself in.

"You will, you know …" Liv commanded, softly, hands returning to the blonde's hips. "You'll survive it, I know you will …"

Amanda nodded, pushing her ass back into Olivia – in a not-so-subtle attempt to get her to move things along. Olivia began slowly massaging her through the thin, wet material of her panties and Rollins moaned, losing all semblance of speech.

She turned around when she felt the brunette leave her hanging. Only to be rewarded by the sight of Olivia stood before her, slowly unzipping the side of the black cocktail dress from top to bottom, her luscious breasts and full curves coming into view as she pushed the material to the floor. Down to just her underwear, Liv kicked off her heels and returned to her prey. She grasped Rollins' hair tie, freeing her blonde locks to fall against her shoulders, as she stripped her of her shirt, pants, shoes and socks in one fluid motion.

Liv had a sudden thought that there'd be no going back from this, Amanda was about to see her at her most dominant, feral, and out of control.

But Rollins wasn't about to submit to her easily. Emboldened by the brunette's skin, her amber glow, she turned the tables – spinning Liv against the wall and launching an assault on her mouth. Their tongues duelled for power as hands grappled to be the one holding the other's wrists. Eventually Amanda won, pinning Liv's arms above her head as she moved her mouth further south, nipping and sucking at the two fleshy globes stood proudly out of the brunette's lace bra. Liv hissed her approval when the blonde loosened her grip, holding both of Olivia's arms in one hand whilst the other pushed the material covering her breasts out of the way, dipping her head to capture a nipple between her teeth and suck, hard.

Liv felt her knees threaten to give way, the heady mix of pleasure and slight pain coursing through her veins made her feel so alive. "More …" She pleaded.

Amanda grinned, watching the older woman unfold before her eyes, lids hooded, and lips parted in a sultry pant, her tongue slightly protruding. It made her want to suck it, so she did, enveloping Liv's lips as she pushed their bodies flush together, leaving the older detective's hands free again so she could use hers to work both of Liv's nipples into stiff, sore peaks.

"Oh shit …" Expletives began tumbling from Olivia's lips, mumbled and smushed together as they ran into one another, on and on. Rollins ran her fingers across taut abs, feeling ripped muscles jump beneath her touch. She stopped just shy of Liv's panties, running her finger beneath the waistband before hesitating, momentarily, for consent.

Liv simply nodded with her eyes.

It was all Amanda needed, that silent acknowledgement that Liv was asking her to do this. She pushed the brunette's panties down, encouraging her to step free of them before she grasped one leg and wound it around her hip, returning them both to the wall.

Moments turned into forever as Olivia watched the gaze of the younger woman, her left hand palming over breast, abdomen and inner thigh as the other cupped her rear. "Please …" Liv gasped, "Touch me …"

Amanda's eyes closed the second her fingertips slid through moist, slick heat, running the entire length of Olivia's slit and coating her fingers fully before bringing them to her lips for a shared taste. Liv groaned, suddenly nothing on earth seemed more erotic.

As their lips fused Amanda slid two fingers into Olivia, fast and hard, giving her mere seconds to adjust to the sensation before she began pumping, slow and deep – each movement matched by the probing dance of her tongue inside the brunette's mouth. She clutched Liv's thigh with her other hand, pulling her close and ensuring both leverage and strength for the older woman to remain standing.

"Mmmn … Ahhh …" Liv broke away from their kiss, panting. Her head fell forwards against Amanda's shoulder, suddenly it occurred to her that anyone passing by the front door would hear them, because she was going to be loud. "Amanda … fuck … Oh … so good …"

Amanda kept up a punishing pace, thrusting deep and slow with two fingers, expertly curling her hand on the retreat to rub against the detective's g-spot.

"Ohhhh …" Liv felt her orgasm staring to build, needing more. "Please …?" She begged, not really knowing who or what she was begging for.

Amanda felt the scrape of Olivia's teeth against her neck, leaving marks she'd struggle to hide. The pain drove her on, angling her hand so the base of her palm would hit roughly against Olivia's clit.

"Oh shit …" Liv bit her so hard she worried she'd have drawn blood.

"Liv …" Amanda gasped. "Biting?"

Liv soothed it with her tongue by way of apology, her inner walls began to clench around Amanda's hand. Before the next thrust she added a third finger, dropping to the floor as she threw the detective's leg up onto her shoulder and continued to fuck her as her tongue wrapped around Olivia's clit, sucking hard.

Liv screamed out loud as her orgasm hit her with full force; she felt the loss of Amanda's body and grasped at the head between her legs for something to hold onto. Her fingers wrapped in Amanda's hair – she rode out her orgasm, hard, as Amanda stilled her fingers but continued to lap with her tongue, drawing out every last spasm.

"Oh my god …" Liv gasped, her head lolling back against the wall.

Amanda rose slowly, letting Liv's foot return to the floor, she kept her hand nestled inside the brunette, not wanting to break their connection until Liv was ready.

Liv kissed her, tasting the flavour of herself on the blonde's lips and tongue. "Mmmmmn …" She hummed blissfully. "Thank you … that was …"

Amanda turned on her southern charm, "You're welcome m'am."

Liv giggled, a delicious, throaty laugh. The movement jostled the fingers still buried inside her, sending aftershocks travelling to her core.

Amanda wiggled her fingers cautiously, blithely questioning "More?"

* * *

**Reviews are sooooo welcome, especially since I have a cold (still!) and wrote this chapter on ephedrine cold and flu stuff!**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N – the Sudafed writing continues …**

**For a laugh, the person who makes the 200****th**** review gets to tell me what they want Liv and Amanda to get up to next and I'll try and write it. This story has *really* taken on a life of it's own! And I think decongestant makes me crazy ….**

**Same disclaimers apply.**

* * *

They made it to the bed, falling down in a tangled mess of arms and legs and hands and lips. Somewhere between Liv taking Amanda on the kitchen counter and Amanda straddling Liv on the couch, it was discussed that they could probably do with a bed next to lie down on.

"You're amazing."

Amanda smiled, "You are."

Liv peppered Amanda's face in light, lazy kisses, having no clue of the time. The only indicator of early morning was the quiet stillness of the street outside. She knew she should have felt cold, the heat had long gone out and the bed sheets were somewhere over by the door. In truth she felt nothing except for the strength of the body beneath her, moaning and writhing as she thrust suggestively with her hips.

They were both exhausted, but not yet satiated.

Liv longed for an appendage, to make slow, sweet love to the blonde, her hands free to support herself – her lips free to kiss. She moved to Amanda's ear, softly biting before asking huskily, "Do you have one?"

Amanda looked at her, double-checking.

"A strap-on." Liv clarified. "Do you have one?"

Amanda nodded, eyes wide, mouth agape. She'd wrongly presumed that her own stamina would win out over the older detective's. "Bottom drawer on the right." She choked. "At the back."

Liv rolled off her and slid across the bed, naked in all her glory. She hung her head down over the side as she began rooting around in Amanda's bottom drawer. It was always an informative conversation with a new partner – the sex toy talk. She took Amanda for one who would use them, and looking over the drawer she was right.

"These look new …?" Liv half-said, half-asked – finding two dildos and a tan leather harness. The harness certainly wasn't new, and appeared to be well worn, with adjustable rings for attaching different sizes. She rose back up onto the bed, bringing the harness and dildos with her.

"They are …" Amanda blushed, hating the frankness of it all. She wasn't shy, or prudish, just normally the one putting the leather on – not being on the receiving end of it. "I ordered them the day after you … we … er, we talked about handcuffs …" She stumbled, explaining. "They arrived the day after we saw each other outside the church …"

Liv lay down beside her, the harness and toys between them on the mattress in a rather amusing way.

"Liv …?"

"I'm fine," Liv replied quickly. "I was just thinking."

Amanda turned on her side to face her, "About what?"

"About you … and me …" She paused, turning on her side as well. "I realised something last night, I realised that I could come up with a hundred different reasons why we 'shouldn't' be together, but none of them really matter …"

Amanda traced her face softly, having lost count of the number of times since getting home she'd watched that same face contort in ecstasy. "What 'does' matter?"

Liv rolled her onto her back, covering the younger woman's body with her own. "This …" She whispered, grinding her pelvis against the blonde's, "And I don't mean the sex … I mean this, us, you and me …"

Amanda groaned, a fresh wave of arousal flooding her in response to Olivia's words, her legs felt heavy and weak and she knew that her limbs were restless for sleep but she'd not yet had her fill of the older detective. "Fuck … Liv … please?"

Liv ran her hand down between their bodies, plunging into wet, wanting heat. Inaudible words escaped her lips as she fell forward against the blonde's shoulder, boldly exploring with her fingertips.

Rollins writhed beneath her, too depleted to be of any help as Liv reached for the harness and began figuring out the straps and fastening it on. She watched in awe as the brunette pulled the leather tight around her hips, and it wasn't just her mouth that salivated at the sight. Liv looked over the two different toys before selecting the larger, wider of the two; sure that Amanda could take it. The blonde half sat forwards, pulling the tip into her mouth and surprising Olivia by sucking and swallowing with such a force that the brunette had to give herself a mini pep talk to get her shit together. She growled, lurching at the blonde and pinning her back against the bed, before seductively lowering herself down on top, their lips meeting in the gentlest of kisses.

"You're amazing …" Liv whispered again.

Amanda smiled, sensing this phrase was being used in place of something else that Olivia didn't feel quite ready to say yet. She played along, lightly shaking her head, "You are …"

Liv rolled her hips into the blonde, the base of the toy hitting between her legs. Rollins bent her knees, giving Liv the say-so to go ahead and take her. She felt the brunette pull away, lifting herself onto one arm as she positioned the head at Amanda's opening, teasing with short, faint thrusts.

"Don't tease …" Amanda pleaded. "Please …" she hooked one foot around Olivia's behind and used her hand to pull the brunette towards her. "I need you …"

Liv felt such immense power in that single moment that she could have stopped time, suspended them there forever with the blonde grasping at her from beneath, begging to be filled and taken. She let go, allowing Amanda's body to pull her in, feeling every second of the sensation as she slid fully into the blonde for the first time. "Oh … fuck …"

Amanda's eyes widened as she adjusted to the stretch of new intrusion, her body readily accepting but also slightly sore. She put her hand up against Olivia's hip, "Go slow …?"

Liv nodded, lowering herself back down. She lay flush with the blonde, pushing away blonde strands from her face that was covered in a thin sheen of perspiration. Almost too slowly, she struck up a rhythm with her hip, plunging in and out of Amanda as she kissed her with the same tender force.

"Oh god …" Amanda's head fell back against the bed, the pillows long strewn out of sight. Her mouth fell open, soft moans escaping with every thrust of the brunette's hips between her thighs. "Nnnng … ahhhh … Liv … Oh!"

Liv kissed the column of her throat, leaving not a single mark. They were rough earlier, throwing each other around as they pinned arms above heads and fucked hard with fingers and tongues, adding as much as the other could take before crying out in pain and pure delight. This was different; this was unhurried, devoted, purposeful and resolute – their bodies far closer than they had been during the hours before.

When she came, Amanda pulled Olivia tight against her, stilling their bodies for a moment with her legs wrapped around the detective's waist. She crushed her lips against Olivia's mouth, crying out her orgasm into the other woman's body. As her body relaxed, Liv began again with chaotic, frantic movements of her hips, just enough to send herself over the edge, taking the blonde with her for a second time.

* * *

Liv woke to the smell of coffee and bacon; at some point in the night they both fell asleep and by the stiff ache in her arms and the gentle bruised feeling between her legs, Liv suspected it hadn't been that long ago.

She tossed off the covers and searched Amanda's closet for something to wear, finding a football jersey which only just about covered her butt. She put on some underpants and socks and made her way into the kitchen, on the hunt for the source of the glorious smell.

"Holy shit." Rollins almost dropped the pan of bacon at the sight of Olivia, her hair mussed and a look of having been thoroughly fucked on her face. She stood there all innocent looking and serene, wearing cream fluffy socks and the blonde's favourite Falcons jersey. "You look amazin'"

Liv chuckled, sleep coating her voice. "That's my line." She walked towards Amanda and wrapped her arms around her waist, kissing her good morning. "How come you're up? … is that coffee?"

Rollins chuckled and nodded, pouring her a cup and placing it down on the breakfast bar, urging Liv to sit. "I was starving," She replied, "And I wanted to make you breakfast … besides …" She paused, stepping into Olivia's arms as she smoothed the hair from the brunette's face. "After last night, it's the least I could do …"

Olivia grinned, letting her eyes roam lustfully over the blonde's body. "You're wearing too many clothes," she pointed out wistfully. "I plan on doing something about that, but I think you need to feed me first …"

Amanda threw back her head and laughed, kissing Liv's cheek before returning to the stove to serve up breakfast, she'd have believed it were it not for the fact that the detective seemed to be struggling to keep her eyes open as she sipped on her coffee.

They sat at Amanda's breakfast bar for ages, simply enjoying easy banter and delicious French toast with bacon, syrup and fresh berries. Liv was halfway down her third cup of coffee, her head bent over the Times crossword puzzle as Amanda put the dishes in the sink, when there was a soft knock at the door and both women turned, perplexed.

"Who is it?" Amanda asked. When she got no response she dried off her hands and went over to the side table in the living room to pick up her gun. Liv watched as she did it, slipping the gun into the back of her sweatpants, finding it super hot. "Who is it?" Amanda asked again, regretting not having a spy hole.

"Elliot …" A gruff voice answered her reluctantly. "Elliot Stabler." He sounded pissed in a way that only Elliot ever could. "I'm looking for Olivia … is she here?"

Amanda went to set down her gun down, then on second thoughts left it where it was. "What do you want to do?" She asked, turning to Olivia for guidance.

Liv remained sat where she was at the breakfast bar, coffee and paper in hand. She picked up a piece of crunchy bacon from the plate and began snipping bits off with her teeth. "Open it." She said, nonplussed. "He'll never go away if you don't …"

* * *

**So …? **


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N - Thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews, I really hope the next chapter lives up? In a strange way I think this might be my favourite chapter so far. This story is nearing its end I'm afraid, a couple more to go but I had written the ending not long after starting it (I often do this, is it odd?) but I think a sequel is definitely on the cards!**

***spoiler alert* ... self-indulgent, long, author ramble coming up -****skip ahead if you like****-**

**I've struggled with writing interactions between Liv and Elliot, in part because I've never written him before. I chose to include him in the story because it felt like he was something big that Liv would need to move past in order to get to a place where she could comfortably be with someone else. That said, I didn't want him to be a total ass. Theirs is a complicated relationship and the only way I could write it was to draw on my own experience of a similar relationship, me being gay, him being straight ... we loved each other, but in a way we also held each other back, the not being together was almost as painful as the being together and we kept this up for years, and now, years later, we barely see each other, even though we only live a few miles away and still share the same circle of friends. But when we do, it's comfortable and familiar and I guess that's how I see Liv and Elliot's relationship being, but that's just my take on things. :)**

**So, on with the story, same disclaimers etc ...**

* * *

Amanda shoved her hands deep into her pockets, irritated to be walking the streets on Saturday morning instead of being back in bed, with Olivia, as she'd planned.

"Fricking Elliot …" She muttered, crossing the street towards the deli on the corner. If she was out, she may as well pick up some groceries and essentials, not planning on leaving the apartment for the rest of the weekend to make up for it.

Her arms laden with supplies, she made her way into the park, taking a seat on a bench close to the kids playground. Since it was so cold, few were out – save for a couple of brave parents and some determined dog walkers. She watched a guy in his mid-thirties playing with two little girls, around six and four. Hating the way her first thought was one of suspicion as she studied his interactions with them carefully.

After a while she relaxed, a tranquil smile upon her lips as she watched the two little girls chase around after their father. Her smile broadened when their other dad arrived, kissing his husband over the fence to the playground as he stayed on the outside of it with a small dog.

Amanda clutched the bag of groceries in her arms, wondering if she'd given them enough alone time. "Goddamnit Elliot, I swear … if you screw this up for me I'll kill you …"

* * *

Liv stood across from Elliot in Amanda's kitchen, smiling. He couldn't work out what it was about her that made him so infuriated, but her relaxed demeanour, her smile, and her current state of undress were all conspiring to build a rage inside him like no other. Their stand-off continued, since Liv made it clear when Amanda was ordered out of her own apartment that she had nothing to say to him but would grant him the half hour he asked for, to say whatever it was he'd come to say.

She refilled her coffee cup and went over to the sofa, sitting down with her legs curled beneath. Her mind flashed back to the night before, the blonde straddled across her lap as she fucked her mercilessly with three fingers. She chuckled, surreptitiously checking the couch cushions for stains.

He walked towards her, all menacing and stiff, his body wound tighter than a coiled spring because he realised she'd stopped loving him. He walked out on their partnership and it damn near destroyed her, yet here she was, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and _happy._

He sighed, finally understanding that this was her right. All those years his Catholic guilt prevented him from consummating their 'relationship' in the way that he really wanted to, the sexual frustration turning slowly into bitterness and hate, such that after he shot and killed Jenna in the squad room – he felt the need to walk away from everything, Kathy and the kids included.

"You look happy …" He stated. "I'm glad."

She smiled at him, the first honest thing he said to her in a long while. She shrugged her shoulders, "I am," pausing, "Amanda makes me happy … it's not easy, exactly … but I 'am' happy."

"You were never one to fall in love with 'easy' Liv …" He noted, taking a seat in the chair opposite.

She chuckled, deep and throaty and a direct giveaway to her lack of sleep and carnal activities. She'd missed this, the way he could so easily sum up everything he knew about her in one simple sentence. He knew her better than anyone, living or dead, and probably better than anyone ever would, which was okay – she didn't want Amanda to know her like Elliot did, it was unhealthy, and she understood that now.

"You better be nice to her when she come back." Liv quipped. "She's not beyond shooting you if you piss her off."

Elliot's face split into an adorable grin. "Good, I like that about her …" He leant forwards, elbows on bent knees as he cracked his knuckles even though he knew it was the one thing she hated.

"El …"

"It really pissed me off last night when you just left like that …" His response was sharp, not well thought out.

"Well it really pissed me off when you just 'stopped' being my partner." Olivia responded. "I understand why you felt the need to leave El … but to just _leave me,_" She blinked, refusing to allow tears to fall. "You could have called, or sent me a text or a goddamn email or _something …_"

He nodded, realistically it would have been easier if she'd flown into a rage and started punching him, hitting him, anger he knew how to deal with. This calmer, more rational side of her, he struggled to connect with and understand, they'd always kind of left sense and sensibility out of the equation.

"I couldn't talk to you because I couldn't bear the thought of not being there with you, the next day and the next day and every day after that." He looked at her, really looked at her, committing to memory every line and curve and the way her figure had changed in the months since he last saw her. He'd lost a lot of the arrogance he had about her towards the end. Now, when he looked at her, he saw that he really wasn't worthy of her, and couldn't measure up. Whereas in the past he'd always felt like no one else could qualify. "I know I let you down." He mumbled, "I was an ass, and by the time I pulled my head 'out' of my ass long enough to see just what an _ass_ I was being it had been too long …"

"You were a total ass." She agreed, his words, not hers.

"It was Chris who convinced me I should try and talk to you …" He added, noting the lack of jealousy in her eyes when he mentioned his latest confidant. "I miss you Liv …" His eyes grew glassy and afraid. "I miss this … us …"

She set down her coffee cup and stood, walking over towards him, catching the anticipation in his eyes as she approached him and he leant back, wondering if it was a kiss or a slap that was coming his way. Instead she lowered herself into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck as she curled her body into his. He held her tight against him, assuming this to be their parting gift.

"There is no 'us' anymore …" Liv whispered, the words nowhere near as hard to say as she'd imagined they would be. "But maybe this could be the start of something different …?"

He held her in his arms until they both heard the turn of the key in the latch, quickly breaking apart. Liv began walking towards the kitchen, smiling at the blonde as she entered. "Hey …"

Amanda scanned the room for Elliot, a little disappointed to find him still sitting in her lounge. "Hey … how's it going?"

Liv smiled and kissed her, offering to take the bag of groceries and unpack. "It's fine …" She assured. "Would you like some more coffee? I was just gonna make some."

The blonde nodded, shedding her many layers. She assumed this was the part where she was meant to go and make small talk with Elliot whilst they avoided the big pink elephant in the room.

The Elliot she found was a little different to the one she'd opened the door on, roughly an hour or so before.

He leant over to shake her hand, firmly, as she sat down opposite him. "So …" he grinned. "You're a Falcons fan, huh?"

* * *

Liv lay between Amanda's legs on the couch, softly kissing her abdomen. "Thank you for today …" She mumbled, not for the first time since Elliot had left. The question of seeing each other again had come up, so they'd agreed to join them at Christine's house on Boxing Day when he'd have the kids over.

Amanda caressed the brunette's hair, running her fingers absentmindedly through lose curls. "Was it okay?" She asked, wondering if Olivia wanted to talk about it.

Liv nodded, her kisses moving higher as she inched Amanda's shirt up so that it gathered beneath the underside of her breasts. "I love your skin …" She whispered, her voice raspy and aroused.

They were waiting on Chinese food, and Amanda knew it was in both their interests to actually eat something before heading back to bed.

"Liv?"

Brown eyes gazed up at her; dark lashes blinking in a mixture of pure innocence and raw seduction.

"Don't look at me like that …" Amanda warned. "The last time you looked at me like that, 'this' happened," She added, pointing to the remains of a crystal vase, which belonged to her grandmother – the latest casualty of their energetic sexcapades.

Liv slid her tongue into the blonde's belly button, slowly swirling it around. "I'm sorry …" She mumbled, somewhat insincere. She raked her teeth down Amanda's abs, hiding the sense of pride, deep down inside, as the blonde arched against her mouth.

"Liv …" Her voice was different this time, no longer scolding, but pleading. "Liv …" She tugged at Olivia's shoulders, asking that she return to kiss her mouth.

Olivia smiled as she bent to kiss her. "I'll be quick?"

Amanda chuckled. "You said that last time."

* * *

Sometime in the middle of the night, Amanda woke to find Olivia wrapped around her, deep in slumber. She reached out for the blankets, realising that the uncovered part of her was cold. As she sheltered them both from the cool night air, the image of the dad playing with his kids at the park flashed through her subconscious just long enough to form into a distorted image of Olivia, chasing a small dark-haired child in deep snow.

Liv wriggled and stirred in her sleep, letting out a short exhale that was no doubt dream related. In the few nights they'd spent together, the blonde had learnt that Olivia slept better than she'd envisaged she would. Observing nothing but peace behind those closed lids as she dreamt of a world without the kind of horrors they witnessed every day. Amanda relished Liv's ability to just be, something she stated had come with age, and whilst she understood that the older detective was currently content with her lot, she also knew there was something missing.

She'd seen it in the way she inquired after Elliot's kids as they drank coffee and ate the biscuits she had been saving for Olivia's tree. The idea of eating them upset her, until Liv assured her that she wouldn't be getting a tree this year, since she planned on spending Christmas right where they were, in Amanda's apartment. The fact that she said it so openly in front of Elliot let Amanda feel a sense of security she'd been searching for since the ex-marine showed up at her door. He might hold claim to a good deal of her girlfriend's past, but Liv was letting her know that if she wanted it, she had a chance at her future.

They talked about Eli for a while, and then the twins, then Elliot mentioned how Kathleen was pregnant but the father was a bit of a flake, and by the end of it Amanda felt as if she knew them too. She then understood that for Olivia it wasn't just Elliot leaving her, which had hurt, but the fact that he took away the only family she had too.

"We'll make our own family …" She whispered, cupping the brunette's sleeping head to her breast as she spoke softly. "Just you and me …"

Liv nuzzled against her, sighing softly. "That's nice …"

* * *

**I do so love reviews :)**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N - I'd just like to point out that I'm posting this with the hangover from hell, so all grammar and spelling mistakes are the fault of a bottle and a half of Rioja, amongst other things ...**

**Happy New Year everyone, I hope it brings you much joy, love and happiness.**

**Same disclaimers, yadda yadda yadda ... they're not mine, if they were I'd have them all doing more sexytime things, all the time, Olivia especially :)**

* * *

The week before Christmas saw the detectives of the 1-6 in fine festive spirit. Now that the cat was out of the bag, so to speak, with Liv and Amanda's relationship, they each had to endure a 'fatherly' talk from Cragen, which basically resulted in the rule that they couldn't both be the primary detectives on the same case. Olivia felt relieved, actually, knowing that there was no one in the world she would trust with Amanda's life more than Fin, and truthfully she enjoyed working with Amaro, he understood her and did a good job of keeping her grounded.

They caught a couple of cases on the Monday, both of which turned out to be nothing much – a quick confession and a false report, leaving Liv with some paperwork to fill out and Fin and Amanda with a suspect to take to central booking. When the two of them returned, with coffees and marzipan stollen, all talk turned to Christmas festivities and gift giving.

"Well, Zara still believes in Papá Noel." Nick said brightly, "so I'm gonna have some breaking and entering to do into my own house on Christmas eve, if anyone fancies it?"

"She's spending the holidays with you?" Olivia asked, surprised.

Nick nodded. "Maria's …" he hesitated, still very much in love with his wife and wanting his partner to think well of her. "She's having some problems," He finally settled upon. "And we both thought it would be better if Zara spent the holidays here, with me and my Mom."

Silence fell upon them after that. Aside from Liv's statement to Amanda that she intended to spend the day with her, the rest of them had failed to make any plans. Ken and Alejandro were going to Alejandro's parents until New Years, and they all knew that Munch and Cragen had no family – so to speak of. After listening to Olivia and Elliot reminisce over stories a couple of days before, it suddenly dawned on Rollins than in past years they'd have all spent the Christmas at Elliot's house, his wife catering for them, as well as her own brood of seven, because that's what families do over the holidays.

"You should all come over to mine?" She offered, suddenly. Not missing the surprised look on Olivia's face, she'd actually had her mind set on a Chinese takeaway followed by sex for her Christmas Day lunch. "I'm serious …" Amanda added, "I'll cook and everything."

There were rumblings of approval and interest coming from Munch and Fin and the Captain looked simply delighted at the prospect of not spending Christmas alone.

"Don't be silly," Nick admonished, sliding across to give the young blonde a 'manly' hug. "We'd never all fit in your apartment. We can do it at mine? … You can still cook," he added, "That is if you don't mind my mother looking over your shoulder, and criticising your every move?"

Amanda grinned. "Of course not."

* * *

Tuesday was another slow day, so they each took long lunch breaks and braved the throngs of Christmas shoppers in order to purchase those few last minute gifts. Amanda helped Munch decorate the squad room with tacky decorations she picked up in the pre-Christmas sale at Macy's and Olivia barked at them both for standing on her desk when she was trying to get some paperwork done.

"Oh cheer up." Rollins teased, making a show of climbing down off Olivia's desk right in front of her. "You're far too pretty to be the grinch, that's Munch's job."

Liv sat back and watched, noticing every muscle that flexed and moved beneath the tight burgundy pants the blonde was wearing.

"Keep it clean ladies …" Munch muttered, gathering up the rest of decorations and heading on upstairs.

* * *

On Wednesday there was another case, a bad one, with a race-against-the-clock element as a four-year-old boy was still missing. They worked tirelessly into the night and finally at around 4am on the Thursday morning he was discovered safe, hungry and cold, inside an abandoned loft in Tribecca. An early Christmas gift that none of the detectives had dared to hope for.

It meant that Liv and Amanda were afforded a rare afternoon off together. So Olivia sat curled beneath a big thick blanket on her couch, a third of the way through a book she'd been 'reading' since September, whilst Amanda baked festive goodies in her kitchen.

"Your kitchen seems bigger than mine …?" Amanda stated, laying out baking parchment on which to cool the candied pecans before they went into the pie.

"It's cos there's nothing in it …" Liv replied, remembering the three bags of kitchen ware they'd had to stop at Amanda's apartment to collect on the way home. Though they were both playing things cool and trying not to read too much into it, the blonde had also packed a small overnight bag and brought that with her as well. Their first formally planned evening together as a real couple without one of them being injured as the reason for it.

"Are you okay with me suggesting we all do Christmas together?" Amanda asked, their first opportunity to properly talk about it since Monday. She walked into Olivia's living room as the hot sugared nuts required time to cool, "I never really asked you, are you mad?"

Liv shut her book, setting it aside on the arm of the couch as she pulled the blonde into her lap. "Nope," she replied, "I think it's nice … besides … I'll be there and you'll be there so that's really all I care about."

Amanda cupped her face, leaning in to kiss her softly, the taste of caramel and pecan on her lips, since she'd just snuck a taste from the bowl.

"Mmmmmmm …" Liv groaned, "You taste delicious!"

Amanda chuckled. "Pecan pie for Christmas Day."

Two pecans and a chocolate pie later and Olivia's apartment smelled like heaven. She felt her stomach rumble loudly and looked around to see Amanda chopping vegetables on the countertop, a stack full of dishes soaking in the sink.

"How's the book?" Amanda asked, as she felt Olivia's strong arms snake around her waist.

Liv buried her nose into the back of the blonde's hair. "Good." She replied, "Though I'm a little ashamed that I watched the film first."

Amanda giggled, cubing pork and tossing it into the skillet with the newly added restriction of Olivia's arms holding her tight.

Liv loved the way Amanda genuinely enjoyed cooking them dinner, even after pulling an all-nighter then only sleeping for a few hours before Liv woke her and started purposefully undressing them both.

"What are we having?" She asked.

"Stir fried pork with ginger." The blonde replied, batting at hands that were beginning to roam to less 'PG-13' places. "Liv!"

"I can't help it." Liv chuckled; backing off and pouring herself a glass of wine from the bottle Rollins had already opened. "I can't keep my hands off you …"

Amanda smiled across at her lovingly, "And I love that." She stated, wrapping her arms around the older detective's waist and kissing her softly, "But you gotta let me eat Liv … you should know I get really cranky when I'm hungry!"

Liv laughed, holding her close. "We can't have that …"

Rollins shook her head, "No …"

"And anyway …" Liv pushed them apart a little, feeling the dark twists of desire begin to take over, desperate to keep the promise that this time they would at least consume food before re-stoking the fire. "Soon you'll have your fancy Kitchen Aid and then there'll be no stopping you …" She felt Amanda stiffen, tensely in her arms – but rattled on anyways. "Amanda Rollins, expert detective and baker extraordinaire!"

Amanda turned away from her, silently wishing that she'd drop it.

"Hey?" Liv held the younger woman's wrist firmly. "Amanda? … Baby, what is it? What's the matter?"

Rollins shook her head, "It's nothing, it's silly …"

Olivia pulled her close and wrapped the blonde back up in her arms, laying light kisses against her forehead as she cradled Amanda's head against her chest. "It's not silly, if something's bothering you then it's important to me."

"The two pecans and the chocolate pie puts me at 232 dollars." Amanda volunteered softly, burying her face into Olivia's chest. "My target was $229, that's how much they're on sale for."

Liv urged Amanda to look at her, staring into misty pools of slate grey, "That's a good thing, isn't it?"

Rollins shrugged. "I thought it was, at first, now I'm wondering what I do next, I reached my target, I made it, and yet I don't know if I'm any different than I was when I first started?"

"Of course you are!" Liv held the blonde's face in her hands, softly caressing both cheeks with her thumbs.

"Am I?"

Rollins felt a wave of self pity threaten to wash over her, the urge to run away and hide from it so intense and strong that the only thing keeping her feet firmly attached to the kitchen tiles was the firm grasp of Olivia's hands upon her face.

Liv looked at her, willing Amanda to see everything that the rest of the world could see.

"Don't." She whispered softly. "Don't do this to yourself."

Rollins eyes swam with tears, she didn't understand where they came from, just seconds ago they were flirting over dinner, and now she was at risk of dissolving over the Christmas Day desserts.

"Amanda?" Liv's voice was pleading to be heard, so terrified in that moment that the blonde would walk out on her again, a thing she knew they'd never come back from.

Amanda leant behind her and switched off the gas to the stove. She wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck, lifting herself to the same height as the brunette as she kissed her lips with a deep yearning. She pulled back, staring up at Liv with beseeching eyes.

"Please?"

Liv nodded, silently lifting the blonde to wrap her legs around her waist. She walked them both through to the bedroom, all the time kissing and exploring, their hands roaming as lips pulled and nipped at sensitive areas of skin.

* * *

The dinner abandoned, Liv placed Amanda down upon the bed. She went back on her earlier word but the blonde didn't seem to be protesting, in fact she was asking, begging, wordlessly beseeching Olivia with lost, soulful eyes.

There'd be time for eating when they were dead.

Liv pulled her across the bed by her ankles, taking off socks and pulling at the blonde's jeans from the base as Amanda's hands hurried with the buttons at her waist. Those gone, Liv stepped back, pulling the cable knit jumper she'd been slouching around in - clean over her head. The room filled with a relaxed sigh as Amanda caught sight of Liv's upper body encased in just a tight, grey tank.

She wondered if she would ever grow tired of ogling the brunette and her luscious, curvaceous body. As Liv stalked towards her, losing the tank and letting her pants drop to the floor, she supposed there was a slight, billion-to-one possibility but it seemed more likely they'd find life on Mars first.

Amanda suppressed a giggle as supple fingertips traced her sides, rediscovering every indentation buried beneath a ratty and well-worn Jack Daniels t-shirt.

"I like this …" Liv forced out, her voice deep and gravely. She struggled with the decision of whether to take the blonde's shirt off or leave it on, since the image of her strewn across the bed, bra-less – in the black shirt and white panties, was simply one of the most erotic things she'd ever laid eyes on. She slid her hands beneath the shirt and travelled up to cup Amanda's bare breasts, leaning in to kiss her forcefully. "I like it a lot."

Amanda groaned as Liv's nimble hands massaged and squeezed her breasts, pinching and rolling her nipples between thumb and forefinger. Desire pooled in her belly at the dark storm brewing in the brunette's eyes. "It's probably the oldest, ugliest thing I own."

"Not ugly." Liv corrected, seizing ownership of the blonde's mouth and delving forth with her tongue, as if to cement how she was right and the blonde was wrong. "Hot and sexy, but not ugly."

She had a sudden desire to take the blonde as she was, where she lay, without undressing her any further. Then she felt the urgency of Amanda's pelvis, rubbing against the outside of her hip, desperately seeking purchase. She glanced down and was derailed by the contrast of pure white against dark olive skin, momentarily forgetting Amanda's growing need as she was content to watch the blonde her grind herself against her thigh.

"Liv?"

Amanda couldn't decide what she needed more, Liv's hands and mouth on her, or to continue watching the detective's glassy orbs swarm with such overwhelming lust it almost made her come just appreciating how turned on Liv could get at the sight of Amanda working herself into a frenzy.

"Liv?"

Realising she was getting no help, the blonde moved a free hand to her belly, sliding it up under her shirt to rub and pull at her nipples.

"Fuck …"

Her mouth fell open, and Liv felt the urge to fill it with her fingers but didn't, too entranced. Wetness coated her hip and thigh, through sodden white panties, and Amanda's thrusts were becoming more erratic and hurried as she rapidly chased the pinnacle of her release.

At the first hint of orgasm taking over her body, Amanda shoved her right hand down the front of her underpants, collapsing back against the bed as she ran her fingers urgently through soaking wet folds, shuddering and cursing as she dipped inside and cried Olivia's name out loud. "Liv … God … fuck …"

Liv covered the blonde's body with her own, trapping Amanda's hand inside her panties as she cupped herself, still sensitive and in need. "That," She whispered, "Was one of the hottest things I have ever seen." She kissed Amanda's cheeks as they rapidly filled with blush. "Promise me I can watch you touch yourself again like that?"

Amanda said nothing, answering with a bold roll of her hips.

"Ohhhhh …" Liv hissed, her hand joining the blonde's inside her underwear. "You're not done."

* * *

**Reviews are unlikely to help my hangover ... but still ...**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N - spoilers for talk of Father Christmas, if you're still a believer best cut out now ... ;)**

**Credit goes to rasaabe for their suggestion in this chapter! Turns out I'm having way too much fun writing this story and as such it just seems to be going on and on! Back to work tomorrow so posting may slow down a little but I'll try and update every day still if I can! Reviews are always welcomed and if you have any suggestions as to what you'd like to see happen then leave me a comment cos this chapter proves that it might well happen!**

**Same disclaimers etc ...**

* * *

Christmas eve came around all too quickly, and so Olivia found herself knelt upon the living room floor in Amanda's apartment, wrapping presents in front of the tree, whilst the blonde ticked items off her checklist in the kitchen, her obsessive personality traits in full force.

Fin and Munch were the ones on call, a couple of old softies – since they had no partner or child to spend the evening with. Nick would be tucking Zara into bed; her dreams filled with images of fat old Saint Nick trying to squeeze himself down their narrow (and frankly boarded up) chimney in Queens. After which he and his mother would eat the cookies and milk left out for Santa and place Rudolph's carrots back in the fridge in readiness for chef Amanda, the following morning.

Liv smirked at the blonde whirlwind, flitting round her kitchen stacking tuppperware boxes and other items into bags. She hadn't meant to, but she chuckled outwardly, tying the final ribbon around a last minute gift for Eli – whom she'd spoiled on account of not buying him a present the year before.

"What are you laughing at?" Amanda asked.

Liv set aside the gift-wrap and placed her hands upon her lap. Watching the confident swagger of her girlfriend's hips as she slowly approached her. "You." She replied, "I love how excited you get in there, it's like watching you crack a case at work, it's …" Her words seemed to melt away as Amanda approached, lowering herself onto Olivia's lap.

"Are you all done?" Amanda asked, surveying the various oddly shaped parcels beneath the small tree.

Liv nodded, "I just have yours still to wrap, but I can't do it with you in here."

"Well how about I go into the bedroom and wrap yours, then you can do it?" Amanda suggested, sighing deeply in the brunette's arms.

"Okay."

Christmas music played softly in the kitchen, and Liv found herself smiling at the sound rather than cringing as she would have in years gone by. Although she'd never been short of people to spend Christmas Day with, they joy of not being alone, or at a bar on Christmas Eve was something new entirely.

She held Amanda in her lap, neither one keen to move. Amanda's thoughts turned briefly to her family, her mother and sister – imagining them sipping eggnog at the kitchen table whilst layering bacon rashers on top of the turkey. She hoped that they wouldn't decide to deep-fry it this year as they had the year before she left for New York, resulting in the fire department being called and a series of stubborn scorch marks out on the back porch. The memory caused her to chuckle, her laughter infecting Liv, who started with her own set of giggles.

"Now you're the one laughing!"

Amanda buried her face in Olivia's neck, surrounding herself in the scents and softness of the brunette. "I was thinking about my mother." She whispered, "And her somewhat ill-advised culinary exploits."

Liv chuckled, tenderly stroking the blonde head tucked beneath her chin. "Oh I want to hear more about that."

"Later." Amanda promised. "First, presents!"

As she wrapped Amanda's gift, Liv grew anxious with anticipation, wondering if there wasn't a more purposeful gift she should have bought. She'd agonised over it, really, waiting for Amanda to give her the right signal that she was ready to possess the swanky colourful mixer, but it just never happened. So she tied a small red bow around the last dainty package and placed it neatly beside the others under the tree, hopeful, for once.

* * *

Amanda Rollins liked romance, though she would rarely admit it. Being in love felt a lot like Christmas morning; waking up with the heady excitement of wondering if you would get everything you ever wanted and all that you asked for. Christmas itself had rarely been a disappointment in the blonde's life, except for the year her father left the weekend he was supposed to take her and Kim to see Santa Claus. Love, on the other hand, had been disappointing on a number of levels – not least because it didn't have the assurance of coming around at least once a year.

She woke before Olivia that Christmas morning, snuggled beneath the blanket with the brunette's arms wrapped around her from behind, safe and content and happy. If the Christmas tree was devoid of presents this year she knew she wouldn't care, Santa already gave her everything she'd asked for this Christmas.

Outside the window snowflakes were falling, softly tapping against the pane of glass as it rattled slightly in the wind. Not heavy enough to disrupt their plans but enough to add a little magic to the already enchanting day. She wiggled her toes excitedly like a little kid, willing herself to keep still for a little while longer.

"Go back to sleep."

Olivia's voice was husky and full of sleep, her breath hot and heavy against the blonde's neck. It sent chills down Amanda's spine, her body shivering in a way that caused Olivia to misread it as feeling cold and hug her tighter from behind. She felt a tiny gasp escape Amanda's lips and suddenly caught on, pressing herself hard against the blonde's backside.

"Liv …"

Warm hands began to trail across her abdomen, caressing in light circles, no promise yet of anything further. Amanda bent her head down, giving Olivia room to begin an assaulting line of kisses up the back of her neck. Liv bit softly against the skin there, eliciting a deep, guttural moan from somewhere down inside Amanda's chest.

They were naked beneath the covers. The blonde turned a little, into the mattress, lying more on her front. She bent her top leg at the knee, subtle moves that were barely noticeable, were it not for the fact that Olivia noticed every minute detail about her lover.

"Touch yourself." Liv asked, commanded.

Amanda moaned, turning her face into the pillow as she slid her hand between herself and the mattress, reaching the juncture between her legs with the tip of her index finger and finding the moisture she already knew was building.

"Tell me how it feels." Liv continued, watching the blonde's face over her shoulder as she moved her hand rhythmically beneath the sheets.

"So good …" Amanda squeezed out. "Wet …"

Liv held the blonde tight around her waist, speaking softly against Amanda's ear as she coaxed her to divulge every detail. Amanda felt her frustration build, her body pinned beneath Olivia's as she lay practically on top of her from behind.

"Liv… I …"

Liv wrapped her lips around the blonde's earlobe, sucking and biting as she unwrapped her free arm from Amanda's waist and spared no time before plunging two fingers into her from behind. The sudden intrusion causing her to cry out – rocking back in approval to meet the brunette's hand.

"Oh fuck, yes, more …"

Liv added a third, finding her drenched and open from the new angle. She began to lose herself in the feel of the blonde wrapped tightly around her hand, rubbing herself from beneath, their bodies so close she could feel every ragged breath as it left Amanda's chest. Her breasts were pushed tight into the blonde's back, nipples rock hard and aching. She lay soft kisses against the nape of Amanda's neck, dragging her teeth across the top of a lightly freckled shoulder as the blonde gasped and shuddered beneath.

"Nnnng …"

Inaudible sounds flowed like water, Amanda's walls clenched tight around Olivia's hand as she orgasmed, hard, coating the brunette's fingers. Liv kissed her softly as her body stilled and relaxed into the bed, heaving sighs in tune with the soft pulsations between her legs. Everything about the moment was truly perfect, and neither one could have wished for a more perfect gift.

Amanda lifted her head and wriggled, turning herself around so they lay face to face.

"Merry Christmas Liv."

Olivia smiled. "Merry Christmas baby."

* * *

Amanda was still showering when Liv thought she heard a knock at the door. Assuming it must be her imagination, or someone further down the hall, she returned to drying her hair in front of the blonde's inadequately sized bedroom mirror. She silently appraised herself, dressed in the black and ivory lace underwear set that Amanda had bought her for Christmas and insisted she open and try on, all before her morning cup of coffee.

She set down the hairdryer to gently de-tangle a curl and heard it again – someone was knocking.

She stuck her head around the door into the bathroom, smiling at the way Amanda hummed to herself in the shower. The room was heavily filled with steam and the smell of tangerine body wash, another Christmas gift.

"Babe? … Baby … are you expecting anyone?"

The fact there might be someone uninvited at her door on Christmas morning completely passed Rollins by, she was far too caught up in the fact that Olivia was standing there calling her baby …

"Huh? … er … nuh?"

Liv smiled to herself and chuckled, extensive morning sex had thrown Amanda's 'cooking schedule' out of the window, leaving her distracted in a number of ways. Assuming it must be Fin, or perhaps a neighbour calling by to borrow a stick of butter, Liv threw on the blonde's short, grey cotton robe and made her way to the door, once again frustrated by the lack of a spy hole.

"Who is it?" She asked, tiredness cracking her vocals.

"It's me!" Came the reply, none too helpfully.

Liv hesitated, definitely not Fin but other than that she was none the wiser. "Umm … me who?"

"Me … your _mother._" The woman replied, irritated. "For godsake Mandy would you open the goddamn door?"

Liv's eyes widened in shock, and anyone standing in the kitchen with her would have been able to hear the audible gulp in her throat. She toyed with the idea of leaving the woman stood there until Amanda could extricate herself from the shower and greet her herself but it didn't seem as if that option would win her any brownie points. With a heaving sigh, she slid the burglar chain off and turned the latch, coming face to face with Amanda's mother.

"You're not Amanda." The woman said, only vaguely puzzled.

Liv stepped aside and gestured for her to come in. "No." She agreed. "She's … er … she's in the shower …"

* * *

**Hehe! ooooh er what's gonna happen now? :)**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N - hehe, thanks for all the reviews! You guys are awesome, sugary sweetness ahead :)**

**Blanket disclaimer from now on, I'm getting bored of it. They're not mine, but damn I wish they were, I'd play nicer with them! **

* * *

Piercing blue eyes looked Olivia up and down, from top to bottom, carefully studying the lines of her face. The way in which she worried her lower lip and anxiously transferred her weight from foot to foot.

It occurred to Liv that their eyes weren't their only similar feature. She was slightly shorter than Amanda, and more petite in her build. Her hair fell softly in thick waves of blonde hair that looked like it was once natural, but came from a bottle now. She seemed poised and confident, and Olivia was at once reminded of the fact that Amanda referred to her as _'the bravest woman I know'_.

Suddenly she was laughing, and Liv tried to piece together what she'd missed, had she inadvertently said something funny without realising?

"Oh relax honey …" The southern woman drawled, patting Liv's arm in sympathy. "You look about ready to pass out!" She set her purse down upon the kitchen counter and turned back to face Liv. "You must be Olivia." She supposed, in a lilting, sing-song voice that made Olivia realise just how much the blonde suppressed her natural dialect in order to fit in. She shook Olivia's hand firmly. "I'm Sandra, Mandy's mama." Her lips twitched as she stood back and looked at the tall, dashing detective in the thin robe, which barely covered things beneath. "Well my case ain't gonna haul _itself_ in here …" She added, pointedly gesturing to the suitcase out in the hall.

"Mom!" Amanda came just in time to save Olivia from having to give a reply. She walked past her mother and Olivia and out into the hallway, dragging in a case so large it made Olivia fear the older woman planned to stay for at least a month. "Jeez Mom … what the hell you got in there?"

"Presents!" Sandra replied, kissing her belligerent daughter on the cheek.

Amanda stood awkwardly between them, suddenly wishing that she'd asked Father Christmas to bring her a more 'appropriate' family, instead of the double-ended dildo and fake-handcuffs she actually got from Olivia.

"Mom … Olivia, Liv … my Mom …" She moved behind Olivia to put some coffee on. "You wanna go put some clothes on Liv?"

Liv became aware of her attire and blushed, catching Amanda's mother's gaze.

"Oh don't worry dear." Sandra teasingly reassured her. "I've seen far worse over the years, believe me …"

Liv left then, not trusting herself to come up with an appropriate response, _far worse_ … really?

* * *

By the time they arrived in Queens, Liv had text everyone she could think of to warn them about the addition of Amanda's Mom around the Christmas dinner table. It wasn't that she had anything against Sandra Rollins, or felt resentful in the least of her last minute decision to come and spend time with her daughter over the holidays. She just felt it was a little too soon to be hearing '_mother-in-law_' jokes from Munch and Fin.

It transpired that Kim, in her infinite wisdom and logic, had at the very last minute on Christmas Eve – agreed to go to Mexico on vacation with Jeff. Liv worried at the way Amanda's frown set in, her eyes swirling with smoky grey anger and concern for her baby sister, understanding how helpless it felt to let a loved one sink on their own. Despite this, Sandra Rollins was upbeat, and seemingly enthused at the idea of spending the holidays with her daughter's work colleagues. Amanda seemed less enthused, grumbling that her mother – though she loved her – was awful to share a kitchen with.

Once all of the dinner things were unpacked, every available surface stacked high, Liv stole a hug from her girlfriend, physically holding the blonde still for long enough to check in with her.

"How are you doing?"

Amanda smiled, instantly eased by the touch of Olivia's lips against her cheek. "You better get used to this." She chuckled, "If you think I'm a handful, my mother and sister are a hundred times worse!"

Liv laughed softly, "Oh god … is it too late to back out …?"

The blonde turned to face her, Liv's arms encircling her waist as they simply stared at each other, until Olivia felt a hand tugging at her jeans.

"Livia?"

Both women looked down to see Zara stood between them, a determined look on her face.

"Livia, Papa says no presents 'till you finish unpacking things in the kitchen." She placed both hands adorably upon her hips. "So, are you finished yet?"

Amanda chuckled, "We're finished honey … here …" She dug around in one of the bags, producing a treat. "You want a cookie?"

Zara nodded and took it from her, making her way back to the visitors gathered around the tree to show off her prize.

"Yeah _that's_ what she needs," Liv teased. "More sugar!"

* * *

Liv enjoyed opening her presents that year more than any other year she could recall. There was something about the magic of watching a little girl opening her presents, and since Nick knew that Maria wouldn't be with them he made Zara wait for their visitors to arrive, in the hopes that this would make her mother's absence noticeably less so. The little girl was naturally built for the stage, opening each gift with appropriate 'oohs' and 'aahs' and 'thank-yous' and once there were no more presents left wrapped beneath the tree, Zara climbed into Don Cragen's lap with her new bear from Olivia and Amanda and insisted that he read her the Dr Seuss he gave her for Christmas.

His old eyes were soft as he began to read aloud, ignoring the adults dotted around the room on various chairs and the floor.

"_Every Who  
Down in Who-ville  
Liked Christmas a lot..._

_But the Grinch,  
Who lived just North of Who-ville,  
Did NOT!"_

Liv smiled as she felt Amanda relax back against her, curling her knees up so that she was fully in the older detective's lap. The veggies were on and the turkey was about ready to come out the oven, Munch was already snoozing in the armchair by the window – some sob story about getting called to a fight between a pro and a homeless man at 5am. Fin and Nick were sharing festive war stories and Amanda's mother was bonding with Nick's mom Reena over a couple of glasses of sherry. It was perfect, she couldn't have asked for anything more.

"Are you happy?" Amanda asked in a whisper. She turned to face Olivia and assumed that everyone was either too drunk to notice them, or paying attention to the story.

Liv gazed at her in wonder. "Of course I am." She thought about all the other things she could say to back up her statement, but in the end it didn't matter, they were just evidentiary things. "Why do you ask?"

Amanda shrugged. "I'm happy." She glanced around the room, seeing that no eyes were upon them and all was as she'd left it seconds ago. She brought her lips up to the brunette's ear, hovering close as she let out a slow, heavy breath. Speaking so softly that Liv tried pushing her back in order to read her lips. "I love you Liv."

Three words which lingered like magic in the detective's ears, as she stared at two bright blue eyes sparkling back at her, impishly. She opened her mouth to reply but Amanda leant forwards and kissed her briefly, before jumping up out of her lap.

"Right." She clasped her hands together, leaving Olivia speechless and open mouthed on the couch. "Who wants to come help me cream some potatoes?"

* * *

By the time the last turkey leg was demolished, the carcass served as a perfect metaphor for how the group felt – stuffed. Liv found her girlfriend being hen-pecked out of the kitchen, driven at with dishcloths and knives as Sandra and Reena cursed her lest she set foot back in there until the dishes were all done and it was time for dessert to be served.

"Don't argue with them." Liv urged, pulling her away from the dining table and towards the back room, which doubled as Zara's playroom and a study.

From there she passed the blonde her coat, scarf and gloves and urged her to put them on, opening the sliding doors which led out into the backyard, covered with freshly-fallen snow.

"I may never eat again …" Liv mumbled, bending down to collect a handful of snow in her gloved hands. She glanced back at Amanda, mischief and mirth on her face.

The blonde watched her in amusement, knowing that she'd have to pay for the dump-and-run of the 'I love you' earlier, one way or another.

"Liv …" Her tone was warning, but not sincere.

"Yes?" Liv replied, innocently.

"What 'ya doing?"

Liv walked towards her, snowball in hand, she tossed it gently from one to the other, with all the grace of a long-practiced softball player.

"I'm enjoying spending Christmas Day with my girlfriend." Liv replied, slowly approaching.

From where they stood, to the side, they were out of sight to anyone in the house unless they happened to be standing in the study. Liv took hold of Amanda by the lapels of her jacket and pulled her towards her firmly, encasing the blonde's lips in her own.

"My girlfriend … who _loves_ me." Liv added, her eyes softening into a smile.

Amanda blushed and dipped her head, momentarily forgetting about the snowball in Liv's other hand. All of a sudden she shrieked at the top of her lungs, the wet ball of frozen ice finding it's way down the back of her neck and into her jacket.

"Liv … aaargh! What the?"

Liv hopped out of the way, amused, as Amanda unzipped her jacket and began shaking out the cold snow.

"Bloody hell Liv, that's cold."

Liv grabbed her and scooped her up in her arms, holding her tight as she fought to get away and take revenge. "That's what you get for telling me you love me in a room full of our family …" She whispered, her voice laced thick with deep adoration and desire. "And then not giving me the chance to say it back."

Amanda smirked, fully captured in Olivia's arms and unable to flee or fight she gave up the struggle and relaxed, sinking into the brunette's embrace. "I didn't know if you'd want to …"

Liv's face softened, she set the blonde down so that her feet were more firmly planted on the snowy ground. "I love you." She stated softly. "Amanda Rollins, I am in love with you …"

"Good." Amanda replied, simply that, nothing more. She kissed Olivia's lips, letting her tongue dip languidly into the brunette's mouth. Then with all the grace of a ninja she slipped free of Olivia's grasp, moving just far enough out of reach before she bent to pick up her own handful of snow. "Now … about that snowball …"

"Amanda …" Liv's voice was high-pitched and squeaky, warning in nature. "Amanda …"

Just as she was about to come up with a list of reasons why it was unjustified that Amanda pelt her back, a firm snowball hit her squarely in the chest.

"Ooof."

Liv recovered herself, reaching down to re-arm as the blonde squealed and backed away. "Liv … no, Liv … that was only … Ooooomph!"

Soon they were running around Amaro's backyard like a couple of little kids, bombarding each other with crisp white snowballs.

From her seat upon the kitchen worktop, where she was helping her grandmother to dry dishes, Zara shrieked. "Snowball fight!" And leapt from the countertop, running at top speed out into the yard. Her cries brought Nick and Fin and for spectatorship only, Cragen and Munch. Such that pretty soon there was only a mingling of limbs as Liv, Amanda and Zara threw snowball after snowball at Nick's head and Fin half-heartedly tried to help him.

"She seems happy." Reena said to Sandra as they stood together in the doorway.

Sandra looked out at her daughter, acting the fool like she always used to. "She does, doesn't she?"

* * *

**Can I get an awwwwwwwwwww :)**

**R&R!**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N - I found the interactions chez Stabler hard to write. I know I've said this before ... again and again, but there are actually only a couple of chapters left now :) but ... to appease dear readers ... I've already written the first two chapters of a sequel! Enjoy x**

* * *

Amanda shut the bedroom door quietly, padding across the hardwood floor of her living room in bare feet as she jumped into the pull out bed beside Olivia, shivering at the cold.

They both made 'warming-yourself-up-noises' as Liv hugged Amanda tight against her, tolerating the blocks of ice that were rubbing against her own feet.

"As much as I love your Mom," Liv began, shifting uncomfortably to avoid where the unfurled springs were digging into her spine. "I gotta ask, how come she gets the King bed and you and I are stuck out here?"

"Because she's my Mom Liv!"

Liv grunted in response, "Fine, but just so you know, I had things planned for us tonight that don't involve a trip to the Emergency Room because I got a couch spring up my butt."

Amanda roared with laughter, suppressing the volume by hiding beneath the blanket. "You're funny when you're frustrated …" She joked, poking her head out from beneath to deal with her irritable girlfriend. "You could have always gone home?"

Liv rolled the blonde over and onto her back, making a few minor adjustments until they were both able to lie there without wincing. Her voice dropped to a rumbling purr as she brushed the hair away from Amanda's face. "You seriously expect that I'd leave you alone, tonight?"

"No …?" Amanda replied meekly.

"Well," Liv kissed her hard, "There you go then."

She rolled off Amanda and on to her side, holding the blonde tight against her.

"Such plans …" She whispered, feeling the younger woman squirm at her sultry tone.

Amanda was silent for a moment, opening and closing her mouth like a fish. "Like?"

Liv chuckled, deep and throatily, "Like … making good use of those presents I bought you?"

"The handcuffs were meant to be 'your' thing …" Amanda replied, dryly.

"Who said I was gonna use them on you?"

Amanda felt her head swim, her mouth go dry and her legs clench together on impulse as she tried to suppress the growing feeling of desire at Liv's dirty talk in her ear. "You mean?"

"They were meant for _you_ to use on _me_ …" Liv clarified, feeling the blonde shift and moan against her.

* * *

"Are you sure we should come?" Amanda asked, again, as she took off her pyjamas – ready to get in the shower.

Liv frowned. "Of course, Elliot invited you and I'm sure that invitation extends to your mother as well."

"It's just …"

Whatever 'it' was, Liv cut her off, firmly grasping the blonde from behind. "Hey …" Liv said softly. "Look at it this way, we _all_ have family members we can't change." She paused. "Think of Elliot like a brother I had a falling out with, we might not have seen each other in a while, and things might be a little awkward … but he's _still_ family."

Amanda nodded, pretending to understand – even if she wasn't entirely convinced.

"I was there when Eli was born." Liv continued. "I really want you to meet him, to meet all of them, they're the closest I'll ever get to kids of my own …"

The sadness in her voice didn't go unnoticed. Amanda hesitated, making the decision that now was neither the time nor the place.

"I should shower." She mumbled. "We don't wanna be late." She stripped back the curtain and reached for the faucet to turn it on, filling the bathroom with hot steam. As she stepped into the tub she felt arms that were seconds ago clothed, encircling her waist. "Liv? … what are you? … you already showered …?"

Liv pressed her up against the cold tile, drawing the curtain around to protect them from everything that lay beyond. "You asked if you should come?" Liv drawled, "Well …"

Amanda smiled, her hands up against the wall. She turned around, face to face with the woman who in a matter of months had become her everything. She leant back, letting the water spray cascade down the front of her body, running through the valley between her breasts and over a smooth, toned abdomen, the droplets followed by Olivia's keen fingertips.

The brunette sighed, grasping Amanda's hips and pulling them towards her. She dropped to her knees, her thumbs pushing apart flesh, which stood in the way of her ultimate goal. Amanda's head fell back, her hands moving instinctively to the damp strands of Olivia's hair, fisting tightly. She let her body go slack, letting Olivia draw her open, firmly covering her with her mouth. Water flowed around them, drowning out everything that a weak-willed mind could use as reason against them. Liv let go, thinking only of the blonde beneath her tongue, the subtle shift of hips against her mouth, and the way Amanda's stomach flexed and rolled in anticipation. She felt the grasp on her hair tighten, looking up – Amanda's face contorted in need. The thighs either side of head began to tremble, she steadied them firmly with both hands, leaving fingertip marks that would be sure to bruise tomorrow. The slight pain heightened the blonde's arousal, as she rolled herself against Olivia's mouth, crying out as the brunette wrapped her lips around that sensitive bundle of nerves and sucked hard, lavishing the come-down with slow, soothing licks.

They'd not said a word to each other throughout. Amanda pulled Liv up against her, tasting herself on the brunette's lips. "Fine …" She whispered, through a smirk. "I'll come, God, you'll do anything to make a point …"

* * *

Elliot's new girlfriend's house was nice, 'really' nice, a darn sight more upmarket than the Stabler residence in Queens. A traditional brownstone on the Upper West Side, filled with tastefully chosen pieces of furniture and artwork to match. Despite its calm and co-ordinated interior, Amanda could tell that the Stabler kids felt like fish-out-of-water, wriggling and squirming in their seats as Elliot made a round of introductions and Christine brought coffee.

What she didn't miss, was the way their faces lit up when they saw Olivia, all of them jumping up to hug her, except Richard, the older boy, who hung back. The smile on Liv's face was priceless as they each clamoured to tell her their news and be the one to sit beside her around the coffee table. Amanda was actually relieved that her mother had come with them, making her feel less of the odd one out.

"How's Michael?" Liv asked Maureen, sidestepping around the subject of her younger sister's pregnancy.

"Actually it's Joe now." Maureen replied, "but we've been together just over a year and he's great."

"He's actually one that her father approves of." Christine stated, letting slide the scowl on Maureen's face as she jumped in.

They may have been adults now, most of them, but they weren't beyond punishing their father's new girlfriend for him leaving their mother, yet again.

Liv got caught up on the twins' College anecdotes, and seemed surprised to discover they'd chosen to go to the same school, albeit taking different classes. Lizzie was studying English, with the hopes of becoming a journalist, and Richard had surprised everyone by showing an interest in joining the police force like his father. Liv clutched Eli firmly in her lap, relieved to see that at least he was still 'little' – as if the Stabler kids growing up meant as much for her getting older as it did for their parents.

They asked after Amanda, what she liked to do, whether she was a sports fan, and what it was like moving from Atlanta to the Big Apple. They were good kids with good conversation skills. The blonde was acutely aware of how 'polite' they were being to her, and her mother, whilst simultaneously doing their best to exclude Christine in her own house.

So when Christine stood up to go make a fresh pot of coffee, Amanda volunteered to help, feeling sorry for this woman and her chilly reception.

"They're a tough crowd …" She mumbled, joining Christine in the kitchen.

Christine laughed, "Yeah, but they'll love 'you' … you're with Olivia, and Olivia can do no wrong …"

Amanda could taste the undercurrent of bitterness in her voice, proceeding carefully. "How long have you guys been together?"

The other woman paused, unsure of how much information the blonde knew. "We started seeing each other a few months after the shooting." She replied. "I heard about what happened through the grapevine and I figured Elliot could probably use a friend."

"I heard he had lots of friends." Amanda quipped, forgetting herself, "He just chose not to use them …"

"Maybe," Christine replied. "But then have _you_ ever killed a teenage girl who'd just lost her mother?"

* * *

After exchanging gifts, which pretty much consisted of Liv giving a present to each of Elliot's children, because he'd not left them with a lot of time to get her one in return, they all trundled into the dining room for a typical post-Christmas lunch of cold meats and salads – all grumbling about how they still felt full from the day before. Liv clutched the Christmas card Eli made for her. It was signed by each of them, even Richard, who acted as if spending the holidays with his dysfunctional family was the last place on earth he'd like to be. They were about to sit down to eat when Liv caught sight of Kathleen slipping out into the hallway, and bent to whisper into Amanda's ear, before setting down her napkin and following her out.

"Kathleen … hey, Kathleen."

Kathleen paused at the bottom of the stairs, since Sandra Rollins was in the downstairs bathroom.

"Oh, hey Liv."

Liv came closer, smiling softly at the young woman she'd watched grow from just a little girl, "How 'are' you?"

It was a loaded question, one Kathleen hoped to avoid for as long as possible, since there's nothing like feeling you're the black sheep of the family, constantly screwing everything up.

"I'm okay …" She whispered, unconvinced.

Liv simply smiled, waiting for more.

"Dad hates me …" Kathleen mourned, sorrowfully, "And Mom won't even look at me she's so mad. She made me move out." She added, a hint of the old Kathleen and her fiery temper coming through. "I'm sleeping on Maureen's couch."

Liv sighed. "I'm sorry honey, I'm sure they'll come around."

"They won't" She seemed sure, convinced. "Mom thinks the baby will make me ill again, that I wont be able to cope because they told me to come off my meds." She sank to the bottom of the stairs. "I screwed everything up Liv, again …"

Liv sat down beside her, pulling her into a tight hug. The door to the bathroom opened and Sandra came out, surprised by the two on the stairs.

"Everything okay girls?" She asked, making her way back into the dining room.

Liv nodded, "We're fine thanks."

Liv turned back to Kathleen, softly smoothing the hair from her face; she'd always been the gentle one, the one who needed more. In many ways she was the one who reminded her the most of Elliot.

"I made a stupid mistake." Kathleen whimpered, burying her face in Olivia's side. "No matter what I do I just keep screwing things up …"

A floorboard creaked and they both looked up, seeing Amanda standing in the doorway. Kathleen wiped at her eyes with her sleeves, forcing away the evidence of her tears.

Amanda walked towards them, taking a seat next to Kathleen, on the opposite side to Olivia.

"I know what it feels like to keep making screw-up after screw-up." Amanda said diffidently. "I'm the queen of screw-ups." She declared, jostling Kathleen's shoulder like an old pal, "Just ask Liv."

Liv smiled softly, indicating that she didn't entirely agree.

Amanda pulled up her fingers and began listing her indiscretions one by one. "I've got a pretty serious gambling problem, I almost lost my job over it, I got beaten up because I owed a guy money, I threatened my sister's boyfriend with a gun, I kneed the Atlanta police chief in the groin because he tried to imply I was 'unstable' – which probably didn't help my case much …" She paused, hearing the tiniest giggle escape Kathleen's lips. "I've run away from anything good that's ever happened in my life, and pretty much anyone who's tried to help me along the way but …"

"You're still here?" Kathleen interjected, sensing where the speech was going.

"Yeah." Amanda acknowledged. "I'm still here."

Kathleen placed her hands over her stomach, a small but noticeable bump evident. "I just want things to be okay …" She said sadly, "For the baby … but Mom and Dad aren't speaking to each other, Dad's new girlfriend is evil and Maureen's been great, but I can't keep living on my big sister's couch for the next five months …" She looked up at Olivia with watery eyes. "At least you're back Liv, you are back, aren't you?"

Liv smiled ruefully, recalling how she'd always been the one with the cool head who turned up to bail Kathleen out. "I never left sweetie."

* * *

**Reviews are love :)**


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N - only one more chapter after this one *sob* **

**Thanks so much for all your reviews it's been such a lovely time writing this story and I've left myself with some ideas for the sequel but I'm more than willing to see suggestions in the reviews box at the end!**

**X**

* * *

"Well girls." Sandra watched as Liv and Amanda shucked off their coats and shoes, falling in an exhausted heap onto the couch. "I'm going to give you some space and make myself scarce for the evening."

Amanda looked back at her mother quizzically. "Mom?"

"Yes dear?"

Liv bit her lip to suppress a chuckle; the look on Amanda's mom's face was the exact same one the younger blonde used when she was trying to slip a move under the radar.

"I know you." Amanda pointed out, obviously, her arm across the back of the couch. "Since when did you care about giving 'anyone' their space?"

Sandra clutched her chest in mock offence. "Darling …!"

"Mom …" The younger blonde's tone was challenging.

Sandra hovered in the doorway to the bedroom, a look of exasperation on her face. "Oh Mandy, you never could just let something go …" Her eyes twinkled with that same Southern mischief. "If you must know, your very kind Captain has offered to take me out tonight and show me some of the sights of the city …"

Amanda sat bolt upright, Liv not far behind her – to her credit, Sandra Rollins kept her face absolutely still, their expressions' priceless.

"You're going on a date, with my Captain? Mom …"

Before she could list any of the many reasons why it was inappropriate, or wrong, Sandra walked over to her daughter, placing a knowing kiss against her forehead.

"It's not a date, it's just two grown-ups spending time together, you kids have fun now."

And with that she disappeared into the bedroom to get ready.

Amanda was silent for a moment. "My Mom is going on a date with Cragen … Liv?"

Liv couldn't contain her laughter, all in all it was panning out to be a very weird day. From the bedroom they heard the sound of the shower running, scents of rose and jasmine filtered through the air before the bathroom door clicked shut.

"Come on." Liv grabbed Amanda and pulled her up. "Go pack a bag, I'm taking you back to mine tonight. If your Mom's going out then she won't exactly miss us if we aren't here when she gets back …"

Amanda frowned, still shocked and sulking. Her mood was short lived though, once Liv leant into her, whispering something in her ear.

"Really?"

Liv nodded. "_Really …_"

* * *

You never saw a girl pack so fast in her life, they were out of the apartment and just pulling into the underground parking garage near Liv's apartment when Amanda's cell beeped with a text from her Mom, suggesting that she'd found their note.

'_Have a nice night darling, Love Mom xx'_

"Gross." Amanda hastily put it away. "My Mom thinks we're going to have sex."

Liv laughed as she put the car into park. "We are."

"I know that, doesn't meant that **she** has to know about it!"

"Yeah, about that?" Liv linked her arm inside the Amanda's as they made their way up to the street. "What's this about your Mom saying she's seen far worse than me opening the door to her half-dressed on Christmas morning?"

Amanda punched Liv's arm gently. "Liv … quit it!" She dropped her eyes into a sultry gaze. "I hate to break it to you _detective_, but you're not my first …"

"Oh well." Liv feigned disappointment as she held open the front door to her apartment building. "Maybe I'll get lucky and be your last …?"

They stepped silently up the stairs, ascending to the fourth floor, side by side, hands occasionally brushing up against each other. By the time they got to Liv's key turning in the latch, the tension between them was mounting so intensely that Amanda leant against the brunette out of need.

"Liv …"

She ran her hands up and down Olivia's back, thumbs dipping into the small curve above the waistband of her pants, searching out the two tiny dimples she knew she'd find there. With trembling hands Liv pushed back the door, reaching behind to bring Amanda with her. She paused a moment to pick up the blonde's bag, remembering what she'd urged her to pack as they left in a bit of a hurry.

* * *

Amanda went to the kitchen, seeking out wine and glasses as Liv gave her bedroom a once over, not having seen it in a couple of days. They came face to face again in the living room, Amanda offered Liv a glass but the brunette declined, setting them both aside as she pulled the blonde into her arms.

"You … are my best Christmas present." Liv whispered softly, eyes welling with emotion.

Amanda slid her arms up between them, softly wiping away faint teardrops with her thumbs.

"Baby …"

Liv shrugged, "It's true."

They came together for the sweetest, lightest kiss. Amanda raised her arms and slid them around Olivia's neck, aware that when it came to the sexy detective she was simply glad to be holding on for the ride. When she pulled away, her gaze was met by Liv's smoky eyes, swirling with heat and arousal.

"Thank you for 'my' presents." Amanda croaked, her voice horse from the idea that Olivia planned on letting her use them.

"You're welcome," The older detective swooned, drawing her closer for a deeper kiss.

Amanda seemed hesitant. "You're sure that, … I mean …?"

"Do I want you to fuck me?" Liv both asked and answered for her. "_Oh yes_ …"

They kissed their way through to the bedroom, pulling off coats and scarves to throw haphazardly in the direction of the couch. As they crossed the threshold into Liv's bedroom, Amanda felt a sudden sense of contrast – her own apartment was for fucking in, Liv's bedroom was for making love. She began taking over, needing to feel her teeth , tongue and lips raking over the brunette's body after the way she'd taken her in the shower that morning.

"I've been thinking about you all day." Amanda forced out, through rough, dominating kisses.

"What about me?" Liv asked, tractably letting Amanda take control.

"This, us, having you, taking you …" Amanda's words were growing jumbled, as blood rushed away from her brain. She grew frustrated with Olivia's hands as they tried to touch and reciprocate, those gentle caresses in danger of throwing her off her ultimate goal, which was to feel the brunette cry out beneath her – begging with every breath in her body to come.

She pushed Olivia back against the bed, watching as she landed with a flop, wriggling her way back towards the headboard. Amanda momentarily appraised the painted, wrought iron bed frame, it would do nicely for what she had in mind later.

"On your front." The blonde instructed, straddling Liv's backside the second she turned over. She pushed up the brunette's shirt, returning to those same two dimples that held her attention so vividly out in the hall.

Amanda kissed and sucked, using her tongue to draw patterns and trace the clear outline of Olivia' spine. When she felt a soft growl escape the brunette's lips she moved higher, turning her attention to the back of Liv's neck.

"Oh God …"

She'd long ago caught on to the fact that Liv's neck was a hugely erogenous point, so, she kissed the skin there, nuzzling into the brunette's hairline as she dragged her teeth firmly down to place a well placed bite mark between Liv's neck and shoulder.

"Aargh … Fuuuuck!"

Liv's groans grew in intensity; she began to shift against the mattress, hoping to relieve some of the pressure building up in response to the blonde's ministrations.

"Amanda … baby … please …?"

Amanda took pity on Liv and let her turn over. She sat across Olivia's lap, instantly pulling off her own shirt and jumper and tossing them into the corner of the room. Liv's hands moved to her waist, but the blonde grabbed them firmly, placing them back down on the bed. She reached behind to unhook her bra, not surprised when Liv's arms shot up again to help. With a knowing look she gave warning, taking firm hold of the brunette's wrists in both hands and lying them down by her side.

"You know what happens if you do it a third time …" Amanda warned.

Liv's eyes widened, though it was secretly what she wanted, desired, she didn't want it handed to her on a plate. As if unable to help herself, she took advantage of Amanda's distraction and neatly flipped them, rapidly pinning the blonde beneath her with both hands. Amanda growled in frustration, wrestling against the heavier weight on top of her as she moved her head from side to side, trying to avoid a shower of kisses. She eventually gave in, biding her time, using it instead to undress the brunette as she lay on top of her – pulling off Liv's shirt and bra and sending them the same direction as her own. As her hands moved to Liv's waist – the brunette sat up, aiming to be helpful. Amanda flipped them again, holding a surprised Olivia tight between her knees.

"I did warn you …"

A sudden shot of arousal pulsed through Olivia's body. Never before had she trusted someone enough to let them be this way with her. It was enthralling and exhilarating and she gave up struggling and lay quietly, allowing Amanda to secure her wrists to the bed frame with a pair of purple velvet handcuffs.

As they snapped into place Liv instinctively pulled against them, testing their strength, not feeling any of the fear she thought she might as she presumed one sharp pull would snap them open.

"Is it okay?" Amanda asked, seeking reassurance.

Liv simply nodded, not trusting herself enough to speak.

Then just like that the take-charge blonde was back, her Southern accent thick and heavy as she relaxed into the task of undressing Olivia, safe in the knowledge she could no longer be of any help.

Once they were both fully naked, Amanda sat back upon Liv's hips, taking in the bronzed beauty beneath her. She ran her hands up and down Olivia's frame, pausing here and there to lay a light kiss or leave a lingering touch, so sensual that Liv thought her heart might burst in wonder at the sight.

"So gorgeous, and sexy, and captured … and mine."

Amanda bent her head to take a nipple between eager lips, rolling it back and forth with her tongue before releasing it and moving on to its mate, her finger and thumb gently teasing the one she left behind. She kept up the same pattern for longer than Olivia thought she could handle, each time she opened her mouth to cry out that the agony was too much to bear – Amanda switched over and began the whole process again. Finally, when Liv was almost convinced she could come from nipple play alone, Amanda returned to her lips, kissing her with such force and dominance that the brunette's head swam in a fog of arousal and lack of air.

Amanda grabbed the other part to her present; she'd not used one like it before but in principle knew how it worked. Liv watched her, open mouthed and dumbstruck as the blonde ran her hand down between her legs, gathering up copious moisture on her fingertips and using it to lubricate the shorter, fatter end of the toy. An act she repeated a couple of times before bringing her fingers to Liv's mouth to clean. The brunette sucked them as hard and as deep as she could, desperate for anything and everything the blonde would give her.

"Oh God, baby … if you don't … soon …"

Amanda silenced her with a finger against pouting lips. She leant up onto her knees, driving the smaller end of the toy snugly inside her own body, exhaling sharply against the fullness. She took a moment to adjust, moving her hips this way and that to see what would happen, quickly catching on that the mutual benefits were immeasurable.

"Fuck Liv, this toy …"

For her part, Olivia could barely speak, trapped in a desire-laden haze of her own doing. She nodded, hoping the blonde would see from the haste of her ragged breathing that she craved release soon.

Amanda ran her fingers up and down strong thighs, marvelling how Liv whimpered and twitched beneath her. She parted the brunette's legs, coming to rest in between, with the head of the toy simply placed at Olivia's entrance. She repeated her previous act, this time running her fingers through Olivia's slick folds and lubricating the longer length of the toy. When she felt the brunette begin to shake against her hand she understood that it was now or never.

She lowered herself over Olivia, entering by just an inch. Liv gasped and moaned, urging her pelvis upwards to draw Amanda in against her. Their eyes locked, never leaving sight of the other's as Amanda let some of the tension go out of her upper arms and relaxed into Liv's body, the toy sliding all the way home.

"Ohjesusfuckmmmmmmmm!"

Liv's lips slammed together and her eyes shut tight. Amanda commanded that she open them as she began to move against her, the pace slow and deliberate until she adjusted to the sensations it created within her.

"God Liv … this feels."

Olivia nodded, fighting back tears – although she couldn't quite place where they were coming from. Amanda felt her arousal building, the part inside her rubbing roughly against her g-spot with every forward thrust. She felt the familiar tingle in her lower back, the tensing of her thighs, overwhelmed at the speed of her impending orgasm.

"Liv … oh … I'm gonna …?"

Olivia nodded, no words. Ordinarily she would have roughly grasped the blonde's hips, taking charge of their rhythm to ensure her own release. With her hands firmly gripping the bedposts she was entirely at Amanda's mercy, and truthfully – it only added to the thrill.

Amanda's thrusts grew rapid and uncoordinated, she claimed Liv's mouth, pouring forth everything she felt as she hovered on the precipice, holding it together just long enough for the brunette to catch up.

"Liv?"

Olivia nodded, tightening her grip on the bars above her head as her body tensed, she threw her head back then wrapped her legs around the blonde's waist, the change in sensation sending both of them crashing over the edge.

"Liv …!"

"Fuck … 'Manda …"

"Liv …"

Amanda collapsed on top of her, Liv's thighs still clutched to her waist. It was a perfect moment, one that she hoped against all hope she would never, ever forget. With weary limbs she reached up and unclipped the cuffs around Olivia's wrists, returning to lay her cheek upon the brunette's chest as she listened to her heart beat furiously beneath the swell of her breast. She turned her head, capturing Liv's nipple in between her lips and gently kissing it, pulled away by the feel of Liv's hands in her hair.

Liv held Amanda's face in her hands. "I love you."

Amanda smiled softly, "I love you too."

* * *

**Reviews are simply delightful :)**


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N – well, this is it dear readers, last one for now! Also, I've no idea as to the accuracy of Saks window display, artistic license in full.**

* * *

Olivia's cell phone woke her, and she tried to extricate herself from Amanda's vice-like grip without waking her. Luckily the blonde was so sound asleep she rolled away from Liv and curled around the blankets on the opposite side of the bed. Leaving Liv with no choice but to get up and find some clothes because she was cold.

"Hey Fin," She answered a little reluctantly, knowing that since Amaro was taking Zara back to DC and Amanda had asked Cragen for another day to spend with her Mom. Fin calling her at 4am meant they'd caught a case. "What we got?"

After that she showered as quietly as possible, rubbing soap over faint bruises and other marks, dressing in the bathroom to avoid waking Amanda up. A cup of coffee and a lovingly crafted note later and she placed the latter on top of the pillow beside Amanda, bending to kiss the top of a blonde head which still smelled sleepy and enticing.

With a sigh, she turned away, leaving Amanda to her dreams. The glow of light from the hallway through a crack in the open bedroom door bathed her naked body in a soft amber glow.

"So beautiful." Liv whispered.

She clipped on her gun and badge, leaving the softer side of Olivia Benson behind as the apartment door closed.

* * *

Several hours later, Liv stood beside Fin in the ME's office as Melinda revealed the ID of the body – a young woman employed on the perfume counter at Saks. After a long drive up town in the midst of heavy, post Boxing Day, traffic, they flashed their shields in order to get the attention of a salesperson in Saks, hoping to gather some more information about their victim.

The interview garnered more questions than answers, with Liv feeling frustrated at the throngs of people milling around. She'd take an interview room back at the precinct any day, sick of being jostled and shoved as crazed shoppers vied for the best bargains on offer.

"This is ridiculous." She muttered to Fin, "let's get the hell out of here."

Fin nodded, "I'm right behind you."

They burst through a bottleneck in the doorway, both relieved to be out on the sidewalk in the open air. Liv was just gathering herself, ready to head back to the squad car, when a brightly coloured kitchen display in the side window caught her eye.

"Hey Fin, wait up."

He stood beside her; transformations were often marked at the beginning of new relationships but the sight of Liv checking out kitchen appliances was a puzzle that even he couldn't explain.

"In need of a new mixing bowl?" He asked sarcastically.

Liv gave him a brotherly shove. "No … not for me."

It was all suddenly very clear, such that she didn't need to hear it from Amanda anymore, she knew. Finally, after however many relationships and decades of feeling like she'd never find someone she even wanted to open herself up to – here they were. Without needing confirmation or clarification she knew what she needed to do.

"Wait here for me Fin?"

He nodded, just pleased that she hadn't asked him to venture back inside for whatever this 'essential' purchase was.

* * *

There were mixers in every colour under the sun. Liv stared at them all lined up like proud little soldiers – in a state of sheer confusion. She tried to call to mind the colour scheme in Amanda's kitchen, but that only made her feel worse when she realised it hadn't exactly been top of her list of things to remember.

"Can I help you?"

A salesperson sauntered over. She was tall and statuesque and unfortunately reminded Liv a little too much of the poor dead woman she saw laid out upon the slab earlier that morning in the morgue.

"Um … the Kitchen Aid?" Liv asked, "I'm not sure … what's the difference?"

The salesperson chuckled a little and stepped closer. "I take it this is a gift?"

"What gave me away?"

"Well, in my experience people usually walk in here and tell me straight away which colour they want, it's just like buying any accessory, if it's for you, you know."

Liv sighed, "It's for my girlfriend, and I can't decide."

"Wow, lucky girl, well … what's she like?"

Liv folded her arms across her chest. "She's amazing, she's smart and funny and caring and brilliant …"

The salesperson stepped in to interrupt her. "Um … I meant, what things does she like, what's her style?"

Liv fell silent, thinking hard. Amanda liked the Falcons, they were her team – their colours were red, black, white and silver. She loved running, her running shoes were black with a red stripe. Liv remembered because she'd teased her once and called it her 'go faster stripe'. Her iPod was red, she bought red soaps and shower crèmes to go in the bathroom. Red was the colour of seduction and heat, signifying impulse and desire and the ability to exercise self-control and restraint. She suddenly found herself wishing that the handcuffs she'd bought were red as well, not purple.

"I'll have a red one please, that shiny red one over there."

The salesperson smiled. "A good choice."

And for once, Liv knew that she was right.

By the time she made it back down to Fin, Liv had drawn her badge more times than she could count and came close to pulling her gun on this one group of women who just wouldn't budge out of the way. It didn't help that she was carrying a large box emblazoned with the words Kitchen Aid, it kind of meant that she lost some of her usual badass street cred.

She placed the box in the trunk of the car. "One more quick stop?"

After a call to Amanda to establish that she was still out to brunch with her mother, Liv borrowed Fin's keys to her girlfriend's apartment and carried the heavy box up three flights of stairs, relieved to be able to set it down on the countertop. She unpacked it hurriedly, stowing the box beneath as she reached for the jar and it's contents, $232 dollars in crumpled bills. She took them out and shoved them into her pockets. Taking a piece of paper off the top of the fridge she wrote a brief note, _'From now on, every time you feel the urge, I want you to kiss me instead …'_ She re-read what she'd written, twice, before adding, _'Forever'_ with a heart and kisses.

* * *

Liv spent the rest of the afternoon up to her eyes in paperwork, sifting through paper trails and trying to establish whether this attack on the Saks saleswoman was a personal one or simply a case of wrong time, wrong place.

Fin and Munch were out tracking down an old ex-boyfriend of the victim when Liv glanced up to see Amanda's Mom walking into the squad room, looking lost.

"Sandra?" She left her desk and walked over, warmly giving her girlfriend's Mom a hug.

"Hello dear," Sandra Rollins pulled back, taking off her gloves and placing them in her pocket. "Erm … I was looking for your Captain, is he here?"

Liv nodded, guiding the Southern blonde in the direction of Cragen's office. She knocked quietly, waiting to be called forth, catching the smile on her Captain's face when he saw the visitor behind her.

"Sandra, how lovely to see you again."

Liv left them to it, returning to her desk to call Amanda and check in on her day.

"Hey baby!" Amanda seemed bright and slightly out of breath as she answered. "How's it going?"

"Slow," Liv replied, "I wish you were here, it's always nice to have something pretty to look at."

Amanda chuckled. "That's all I am to you detective, a sex object?"

Liv laughed, her voice dipping a shade or two lower. "That, and _so_ much more …" They both fell silent for a moment, before Liv picked up on the fact Amanda was evidently out and hadn't been home yet. "What're you up to?"

"Just on my way home." Amanda replied. "Mom bought tonnes of toys in the sales to take back for my cousin's kids … I'm the lucky one who gets to carry them home!"

"You know she's here visiting Cragen?" Liv checked, presuming.

"I know." Amanda was quick to respond, indicating that she perhaps had mixed feelings on the subject. "She banned me from coming down there with her, telling me that it's bad form to go in to work on your day off." She added ruefully.

Liv giggled. "It is."

"Look Liv, I'm just home …" Amanda began, she cupped the phone beneath her chin as she began rooting through her pockets for her door keys.

"I'll let you go." Liv replied, hurriedly, "Call me later?"

Amanda smiled into the phone. "You know it."

Liv set her phone down upon her desk and for the next five minutes simply stared at it, waiting.

In her mind, she saw Amanda opening up the door to her apartment, grumpy because of all the bags of toys and gifts her mother made her carry home. She imagined the look of surprise on her face as she noticed the red Kitchen Aid right in front of her, and half wished she could be there to see it. Then she pictured the blonde's excitement as she looked it over, finally noticing the note in the now empty jar. Liv smiled softly at the thought.

Her phone buzzed to life, a simple message which read, '_my place, 8pm, my mother's flight leaves at 6 xx_'

* * *

At exactly 8pm Liv walked boldly up to Amanda's apartment door. As she knocked on it the door shifted a little, so she pushed with her fingers and it opened steadily, the lock left on the latch. She would have drawn her gun, were it not for the flickering candlelight inviting her in. So she stepped into the kitchen, closing the door properly behind her.

"Amanda?"

The apartment was silent. The Kitchen Aid was still out on the countertop but pushed further back, as if set into its rightful place. Beside it stood a single cupcake in a lavender coloured paper case. Stuck into the top of the swirl of yellow buttercream icing was a tiny piece of folded paper. Liv set down her overnight bag and took it out, unfolding and reading …

'_Take off your jacket and shoes. p.s. you can eat this one.'_

Liv took a bite of the heavenly vanilla cake and its creamy frosting. She glanced around the room, spotting another two cupcakes, one on the coffee table and one on the shelf beside the TV. She removed her jacket and shoes, leaving the bitten-into cupcake behind.

'_Don't eat me, save your appetite. But take off your shirt and imagine that I'm watching you.'_

The instructions on the second cupcake made Liv smile. She unfastened the buttons of her shirt, slowly, one by one, picturing Amanda's eyes on her as she did so. She picked up the third cupcake, not seeing anymore around the room. The door to Amanda's bedroom was closed and Liv felt herself tremble with anticipation at what was waiting for her behind it.

The note on the third cupcake was the longest. It read …

'_I want you wearing just your bra and panties, because that's all that I'm wearing, sort of. I tried to think of the best way to test out my new mixer __and__ thank you properly at the same time. Come in when you're ready.'_

Liv took a deep breath, willingly divesting the rest of her clothes. She stood the other side of Amanda's bedroom door, wondering what she'd find on the other side.

As she leant against the handle, opening it, soft giggles escaped from the bed. Amanda lay naked on top of her sheets, the only items of 'clothing' covering her body were a vanilla buttercream pair of panties and matching bra – to a fashion. The blonde lay perfectly still, trying hard not to cover the bed in sticky icing, unfortunately, the more she laughed, the more the icing slipped away from places.

"This seemed like a really good idea when I was horny and thought of it this afternoon!" Amanda stated, staring at Liv's mixed expression of amusement and surprise, with a hint of devilish desire.

Liv walked towards her, understanding that the blonde couldn't move or it would all go everywhere. "I think it's a fantastic idea." She replied wantonly. "If I'd known this is how you planned on using it, I'd have bought you one months ago …" She knelt upon the bed, situating herself between Amanda's spread legs. "Are you wearing anything under there?"

Amanda shook her head. "Nope. It sort of tickles."

Liv chuckled. Perhaps it was Amanda's ability to make her laugh that made her love her? Even when the days outside were dark and having the lights on inside didn't necessarily make things any easier. Usually the days immediately after Christmas were about reflection on the year coming to a close, another one older, another one closer to retirement and further away from the things she'd hoped to achieve in her life. This year the days immediately after the holidays would always be about the time her girlfriend got naked and covered her body in buttercream, just because she could.

Just to see her smile.

Olivia leant over her, careful not to smudge anything. She cupped Amanda's face, leaning in to kiss her softly. "You're crazy, you know that right?"

Amanda grinned. She ran her index finger through the buttercream covering her left breast, bringing it up to Olivia's lips to taste. "I might be crazy, but I taste _delicious_."

Liv's eyelids fluttered and she moaned softly, "I've no doubt." She bent her head to have a taste, agreeing that it was indeed, delicious.

"Liv?"

Olivia looked up. "Yes baby?"

"I really want a shower …"

Liv suppressed a fresh round of giggles, the look on Amanda's face a picture. "Okay baby."

She helped the blonde stand up, bits of icing falling off here and there.

"Maybe next time I should try whipped cream …" Amanda mused, walking awkwardly towards the bathroom with Liv's help.

Liv suddenly tugged her arm, pulling back so that they were face to face, not caring anymore about the wet icing against her mauve lace underwear. She wrapped her arms around Amanda's body, holding her close. "I love that you did this, please don't ever stop doing things to surprise me."

Amanda's reply was so sexy and soft that Liv's knees almost buckled beneath her. "You don't need to worry about that Liv, I've no intention of ever stopping anything."

* * *

**That's all folks, reviews are awesome and remember - if you want to make suggestions for a sequel, leave it in the box! Sofa x**


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